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VIEW PERSONAL BELIEFS
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POSTED BY:
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terra
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DATE:
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21.08.2008 |
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SUBJECT:
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What I know |
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LOCATION:
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Layton, United States
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"Never the less, after wading threw much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God."
"My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of god. My soul was racked with etermal torment; but now I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more."
"I rejected my Redeemer, and denied that which had been spoken of by our fathers; but now that they may forsee that he will come, and that he remmberth every creature of his creating, he will make himself maifest unto all."
(Mosiah 27:28-30)
I know for I have been there too.
I know the shamefulness of a man our "special parts", being to scared to tell mom and dad.
I know the fear and rush of excitement of steeling something for the first time, just because you wanted it.
I know the misery of sitting on a cold hard cement bench in a cold cement cell. Being humiliated by having to be stripped down naked.
I knowthe pain of loosing your innocence not knowing what to expect but founding it to be false love.
I know the feeling of ma man's touch. The feelings of frustration knowing you have been used.
I know the feeling of nervousness that first time you put that pipe to your lips. Not wanting to look foolish but fearing the guilt you will feel toward mom and dad.
I know the emptiness of that holw within your body. The one no matter how hard you try you can never fill.
I know the longing to be honest when you cannot bring your lips to make a sound.
I know the resentment of being trapped in an institution. Being dropped off, abandoned, told to fix your own problems.
I know the fear and the coldness of solitary confinement. Getting put into a tall windowless padded room for 48hrs. so you will cause no maore harm to yourself.
I know the terrified feeling of having a camera on you at all times, every move, ever personal moment watched.
I know the humiliation of being stripped searched. Having to shower with de-licing shampoo, then having all your personal belongs taken from you.
I know how it feels to soar. When you snort so much cocaine that your nose starts to bleed.
I know the disoriented feeling of LSD, not being able to control anything you say or do.
I know the liberated feeling you get the first time you do meth. The feeling of being on top of the world and that nothing can touch you.
I know the fear of being awake for four days, without food of sleep only a high you feel you might never come down from.
I know the entrapment of drugs and the tight grip that it holds. Everything dear to you becomes lost in a sea of needles and pipes.
I know the hostile feeing to be angry enough to kill innocent animals. Thinking that you are doing them a favior by bring death upon them. Watching them struggle for life after you have inflicted a mortal wonnd.
I know the pain of having a tube shoved down your throat, pumping the death slowly from your stomach. Watching them as they watch you drink the thick dark charcol.
I know the shock of slitting your wrist and mutilation of your arms so badly you can barley tell they are human. Being able to see your open vien, wondering if this is really it.
I know the misery of hating yourself so deeply alway longing for death to engulf you.
I know the fear and the darkness, being all alone hearing the things that go bump in the night. The fear that reminds you that you are alove and you are still along.
I know the sickness of a herrion overdose, the memory loss that fallows. Then to aeake to your mother crying over your hospital bed.
I know the darkness of many nights blacking out, and stumbling around. You have gotten to the point you must drink to forget, to survive the pain.
I know the tense feeling of not knowing what mood your husband will be in today, how drunk will he be? Will tonight be the night that he takes my life? Will he break my nose again? Or this time will he turn his rage against my daughter?
I know the confusion, unbelieving, and embarrassment of finding out you are pregnant, 15 and still in 9th grade. The wispers the glares and the judgment passed by others who have never walked in your shoes.
I know thae sacrifice of having two children as a child. The dances I missed, my graduation, and all the colleges I might have gotten into had I taken a different road.
I know the lust and yearning, when you see someone you must have. To get them, left wanting more. Then to realize it was just one more step towards hell.
I know the depletion of self worth as you watch your husband have sex with others before your eyes.
I know the anger, resentment, and the enraged feeling of having sex with other men and women so that your husband can fill his sexual desires.
I know the sickening feeling of a swinger party. Watching other married couples switch partners for 5 min of pleaure.
I know the frustration and the pain of divorce, no matter how bad the marriage was.
I know the heartache, the longing, and the pain of watching your children go to "dad's and dounghts" alone for they have not a father who cares, a father they never see.
I know the worry of a single parent, working 2 jobs and still not being able to put a real meal on the table at night.
I know the satifaction of selling your body. Thinking you are finally doing some good and getting back at the men that used you. Justifying it by telling yourself you might as well charge money for something you have given so feely so many times bfore.
I know the never ending guilt and the tormented mind of loosing your children for your own selfish desires.
I know the terrified feeling of sleeping on the street and not being able to remember the last time that you ate was.
I know the aching torment of finding out that you are pregnant with your third child with nothing more than the clothes on your back.
I know the aching torment of locking your self in a windowless one room basement for three months. Suffering intenst phyical pain of widthdrawls, refusing to leave for fear of getting high again.
I know the insane and thrilled excitement of putting a loaded gun into your mouth, but stopping as you remember the life growing inside of you.
I know the endless taunting and tourmaent of the devil nagging you to commit murder. To justify it for your own good.
I know the rush and the fear when a man holds a gun to you as he pushes himself upon you. The powerlessness so, you just give in because you no longer care.
I know the sickening, head spinning feeling when you find out for the first time that your husband commited adultry. Then the embrassasment and rage towards yourself the next time he dose it.
I know the craziness of not being able to control your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and your life because of a mental illness that willonly get worse with time.
I know the heart ache, the regret, and the crushed feeling of someone you love dearly dieing just days after your last suiside attempt.
I know the infuriate, quacking fear of being beaten up and raped.
I know the anxiety of always looking over your shoulder to find nothing there except the horrible images replaying themseves in your head.
I know the sickening feeling of walking into your bedroom, looking at the walls wallpapered in porn and hate.
I know the adversary and I know him well. With his hand he lead me straight down to hell. As well as I know him and believe me all this is true. I know the Savior who came to rescue me and you.
I know the tener moment when when Heavenly Father touches your life. The way he rescuse you from the depth of hell.
I know the peace of a prayer, whrn all you can say is "father your will be done".
I know the tender mercies of the Savio as he lead me away from hell. The bright beacon he becomes as he takes your hand.
I know the joy of of seeing your children for the first time with a new set of eyes.
I knowthe tingle and joy of your body when you know the Savior is wispering words of love and encouraagement.
I know the squeezing of your body, when you imagine yourself sitting upon Heavenly Fathers lap and hugging him with all of your might.
I know the gratitude of a life that was never lost.
I know the joyous feeling of being alive and well.
I know the excitement and gratitude that comes when Heavenly Father answere your prayer.
I know the saving grace of God, when you realize that all of your trials have been for good.
I know the knowledge that has come from my past. I may hold my head up high, without regret. I am strong and have been reborn of God.
I know the saving grace of God ehrn you realize that all of your trials have been for your good.
I know delight and warmth, and the greatful feeling to be able to enter the warters of baptism and to know that I am finally clean.
I know the burning delight as you are confirmed with the Holy Ghost. Knowing that you never have to walk threw life again alone.
I know the sense of proudness, that Heavenly Father has seen it fit to entust me to has such trials. For he knows I am strong, he believed in me all along. Waiting patiently for me to become what he always knew I would be.
I know the ernest prayers, as I would pray for a husban to treat me with respect, love, and kindness. Who would accept me with my fault, but look beyond with loving eyes. To know the feeling of meeting the man you know Heavenly Father sent to be your husband.
I know endurance and what it means to never give up.
I know the burning of undying faith that no matter what road I have traveled he has always been beside me.
I know what a true blessing it is to have a family. Knowing the true meaning of beings a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a sister.
I know the kindness of charity of others. How countless people too time to bless my life. Helping me learn more of God's tender mercies.
I know the excitement to take what I have learned and use if for the good. To return the gift of love and charity and the many blessings Heavenly Father has given to me. Being able to take my past and share with others to let you know that you are not alone.
I know the forgivness and what it means to forget. To be able to look beyond others deeds and to realize they are children of god struggling to find there way.
I know about hope and faith when you believe with all your heart that no one is lost and that life dose not have to be this way.
I know the peacefulness of meditation. While walking, talking and holding hands with the Savior. Feeling engulfed with love and light.
I know the love of a father withouf a shadow of doubt. Confort and knowledge, I will never feel alone again.
I know and understand all those that do you wrong. Being able to look beyond the act and only seeing a child of God.
I know what love is.
I love the Savior with my whole heart, my whole being. I am greatful for the love and patients he has shown me on my road to recovery. The way he found to reach me in all of my darkest corners. I love my God above all others and fear him not. For he is my father, my Savior, a constant companion, and my friend. I love the feeling of being reborn and seeing life threw a new set of eyes.
I am greatful for the chance to start new and to feel like a whole person, the hole inside that was once there is now filled with the love of the Savior. I do not regret just move forward as I hold my Saviors hand. Fighting the advisary one day at a time, with one honest breath at a time.
My life is differt now. As I often look back and reflect, I see the blessing in each of my trials. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me with his whole heart. I am blessed to have my children back and have added one more, we now have four. I still stumble and fall along the way but the most important thing I have learned is to never give up!. It dose not matter how many times you fall, it only matters how many times you are willing to get up. I invite all of you to share at least to one person a trial you have had and overcome. Watch what happens, the way the Savior will us you to help another threw a trial. This is my testimony of hope, love, endurance, and faith. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen
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