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About 6 months ago I had a problem. There was a leak in my kitchen ceiling. At the time, my toilet was also having issues. I had spoken to my landlord before about the leaky toilet issue, but he said it was nothing. Miraculously, he fixed the toilet, and the leak stopped.

Since then I have been very wary of the ceiling/bathroom issue. I finally decided this week to stop worrying about it, that I am just being over cautious for nothing. And then it happened. I was coming downstairs after using the facilities, and I hear the drip, drip, drip. I didn't see anything, but I knew exactly where to look. Sure enough, there was about 5-6 droplets of water in the same spot as 6 months ago.

This frustrates me SO much. I used to love my little townhouse. It was the perfect place for me. Cute, cozy, and close to work.

And now...now I hate it.

If there were somewhere else to move, I would be there in a second. However, the rentals in town are few and far between. Which I guess gives me more motivation to move out of town, but then that raises the issue of where to move to. And how do I save up enough money to move.

At least the leak comes at a good time. I hate calling my landlord to tell him something is wrong, however, my furnace is also not working. And winter is coming along fast. So it would probalby be a good thing to get the furnace fixed. I dunno, don't wanna freeze or anything.

Blah!!! I hate rental issues!!! I know owning a house I'd have to pay my own bills and all that, but I'd almost rather pay for my own plumber to come look at this problem than have my landlord come, look, and do nothing.

The funny thing is, my landlord just bought the place about a year ago. Pretty much sight unseen. The only people who came to look at the place was an older couple. As they walked through my place they mentioned that this was the apartment that had had the plumbing issue. I'd never heard of it, and never had problems. As soon as my lanlord took over, everything breaks down. So sad. So very sad. Oh well, I guess that's why he gets paid the big bucks right? To come at my every beck and call Bring on the phone calls.

I was watching the movie Peter Pan the other day. The one from a few years back. As I was watching it, a few of the conversations struck me. And I thought "wow, that's so me".

The conversation Peter and Wendy had on feelings particularily struck me.

Wendy- what are your real feelings?
Peter- Feelings?
Wendy-What do you feel? Happiness? Sadness?
Wendy- Jealousy?
Peter- Jealousy? - Tink!
Wendy- Anger?
Peter- Anger. Hook
Wendy-Love?
Peter- Love?
Wendy- Love.
Peter-I have never heard of it.
Wendy-I think you have, Peter. I daresay you've felt it yourself...for something or... someone.
Peter- Never. Even the sound of it offends me.
Wendy- Peter.
Peter- Why do you spoil everything? We have fun, don't we? I taught you to fight and to fly. What more could there be?
Wendy- There is so much more.
Peter- What? What else is there?
Wendy- I don't know. I think it becomes clearer when you grow up.
Peter-Well, I will not grow up! You cannot make me!

I suppose this conversation struck me because I have been thinking of love lately.

Whenever I talk about love with other people, I tell them I don't believe in it. That love is just some made up feeling to give people hope.

The truth is, I do believe in love. I'm just affraid of it. I'm so affraid to be hurt again.

My last relationship ended just over 3 years ago. I haven't dated anyone since. I cried for a good 2 months after him and I broke up. I was devistated. We were supposed to get married, but obviously that didn't happen. I'm thankful now that we didn't get married, but I wish things would have ended differently. I wish I wouldn't have been so jealous. I wish he wouldn't have cheated on me. So many wishes, but in the end, I am happy I didn't end up with him. He didn't love me. And in all honesty, I sometimes wonder if I was more in love with the idea of him, than with him.

I fell in love after that. With the man I call my "soul mate that will never be". I love that guy. But I am not in love with him. Maybe one day I will be, but I realized I couldn't live my life being in love with someone who wasn't in love with me. I couldn't hold out hope waiting for him to love me in return. Now, he is my best friend. He knows me as well as anyone. We've never met, and I daresay, never will, but he is one of the best friends I will ever have.

That was about 2 years ago. Since then, I have kept a good emotional distance from men. I just can't do it again. I am finally in a happy place in my life, and I don't know if i'm willing to give that happy place up just to get hurt again.

I long to be with someone. To share my life with someone. I don't want to live my life alone, but I am at a point where I would be content with it. Five years ago I was in such a place where I couldn't do anything alone. Even leaving my apartment in Edmonton scared me. I had such anxiety. And now, now I am in a better place. I still get anxiety. I still lock myself in the bathroom worrying what is on the other side of the door. But that lasts for less than 5 minutes (it used to be for hours). I tell myself that whatever happens, happens. Whatever will be, will be.

And I guess that's what it comes down to. Whatever will be, will be. I want to be loved, and I want to love, but whatever happens, happens.

I guess I have to make a decision. Do I let down these walls, and try letting someone in, and "grow up"? Or do I never grow up?

I guess that's something I'll have to decide...it's just....scary.

I've wanted a peircing for probably the last 10 years. I always knew it would be either a lip or a tongue peircing. finally, i did it. I went before work and got it done with a friend. It didn't hurt nearly as much as i thought it would. but yay. i got it done. and i love it. yay! not too big. not too small. just....perfect.

Well, it's been awhile since i wrote, so i figured i'd take some of this sleepless time to do that.

Not much is happening in beccaland. My mom and I got into an argument a week ago...actually 2 weeks ago now. we didn't talk for a few days. and then she made the first contact with me, which she never does. i don't know what brought her around.

a few days later a friend came into work and we were visiting. he told me that he had a rough weekend cause his friends mom died. i asked who, and he told me. i was so sad. my friends mom, my moms friend, my young womens leader for most of young womens, had passed away. i had missed the funeral and everything. i kind of think that's why mom was so upset, and that she took her sadness out on me. we knew this lady was going to pass away soon. about 15 years ago she was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and then got it removed. it came back a few years ago and she wasn't given long to live, but she lived longer than expected. she had been in the hospital for the last couple months. my mom went and visited her a lot. at one point she told my mom 'bring rebecca next time you come, i want to see her". i never got a chance.

works been crazy lately. i'm not enjoying it at the moment. there's so much hostility there. the acting manager not doing her job, the manager trying not to get in the way. it's just....hard. and when the acting manager doesn't care, then it's like 'well why should i care'. i'm in charge of fresh foods and i'm so frustrated with my category. it relies on everyone elses ordering skills since it's stuff that gets ordered daily, and not weekly. and people don't care about the ordering because it's not their section, so they order whatever they feel like. too much, too little, and in the end i look like the one who's making the section crappy. although i shouldn't complain too much cause my fc told my boss she's so excited about how good i'm doing with my section. that my binder looks awesome and she's proud of my sales. they're the highest they've been all year. she also said she cold tell when i'd come back from vacation cause sales started going up again lol. i think i'm just being too hard on myself.

i was bored today and browsing facebook for names i knew, and i came upon my ex-fiance. i poked him, and am now regretting it. *sigh* i tell myself it's him i miss, but it's just feeling wanted that i miss. we haven't seen eachother in over 3 years...i wonder if he'll even remember me. weird thought, i know. i always remember people, but wonder if they remember me. i think it comes from my whole life not knowing my dad, and wondering if he ever thinks of me. lately i've been having the urge to contact him, but i made my mom a promise...*sigh* it's so hard. i just want to know if he's changed. or what he's like. or if i have other siblings or anything out there.

oh well. that's my random thoughts for the day.

i need sleep....i wonder if that will ever happen...

Just a story I thought I'd share...

So this friend of mine comes into the store tonight. I actually trained her at work, then she got another job. Anyways, we wave to eachother from across the store (I was at the coffee island), wanders to look at the magazines then comes and gets a coffee and says to me "I have to tell someone this, it's so crazy."

She proceeded to tell me how today is the one year anniversary of the death of a friend of hers, a guy I graduated with. We talked about how fast that came up and how crazy it was. So then she tells me she went and bought a single red rose from Safeway to go put at his gravesite. She drove out to the cemetary and as her and her fiance got out of their vehicle, they looked over and saw a car not too far away. As they looked closer, they saw a lady in the car, and a hose attatched to the exhaust pipe.

They didn't have a cell on them, but they drove to the cadet hall just down the road and called the police. When the ambulences and everything got there they watched and made sure the lady was ok. One of the police told my friend that if it had been even 30 minutes later then the lady would have died.

My friend said to me "I'm not a religious person, you know that Rebecca, but I'm totally spiritual. I felt Derek at the graveyard tonight. I know that he was helping to save this lady. His death was totally preventable (he died in a rig explosion), and so was this ladies."

I just thought that was an amazing story of how, even for people who aren't LDS, the Holy Ghost can guide and help us. How lucky we are, as LDS people, to be able to recognize the Holy Ghost, and not just write it off as "a coincidence".

That was my story for today

Do you remember that November,
Many years ago
When soldiers died while others cried
For men now far below.

The loss was great, the sorrow too
They would cry all night
They'd stay up late and sadly wonder
Who would win the fight.

The poppies grow between the crosses
Where faithful men now rest
Their families sad they now are gone
But knowing they did their best.

The dedication that the soldiers had
Kept them fighting strong
Even though they knew for some old friends
Their time left was not long.

While some got news of fathers passed
And others of sisters and brothers
No matter the person who now was gone
The family would cry with their mothers.

With ships at sea and planes and bombs
People would think and cry
They'd wonder if they'd live and be
Or if they'd be hit and die.

Years have now passed, those days are gone
But memories still are there
And on November the Eleventh
We all remember and care.



a poem by me

Ok, so I couldn't really think of a good title for this blog, and I promised Susie i'd blog about the other day....so here goes.

Since about May or June, my furnace hasn't been working. Thank goodness it was summer, and thank goodness for space heaters.

As the weather started getting colder, I decided I'd just live using space heaters until I absolutely HAD to get my furnace lit again. I left it until the temperature during the day was below zero...I figured if I left it any longer, my pipes would freeze, and then i'd have a whole new sort of problems :S

So along came tuesday.

The temperature dropped to almost -20 Monday night, and I woke up and KNEW I had to get my furnace turned on. For the past few days I had been thinking about who I could call to turn it on. The obvious choice was my landlord. But I HATE being a bother and calling him. Plus he lives like 30 minutes away...and...well....I hate being a bother. So I was thinking "who do I call, who do I call".

Then the thought hit me, "call your home teachers".

"Hmmm", I thought. "Who are my home teachers again???"

Then I remembered "Uncle Ferris is my home teacher!!!!"

So I spent about 30 minutes debating if I should call him or not. I talked to Susie...to myself, but to Susie (hehehe), and decided "what's the worst that could happen? he's not home, or can't come over, and you end up having to call your landlord".

Well, I kept putting it off then putting it off for about 20 more minutes. Finally I said "ok, just do it!!!!!"

So I called. Just in time.

Thank goodness for that still small voice. If I would have waited 10 more minutes, my uncle would have been in the shower and then I would have freaked out lol.

So I called.

He had a few things to do before he could come over, and in about an hour, he was here. Lighting my furnace for me. Not only lighting it, but teaching me how to light it.

After he left I thought how blessed I am to have family close to me. How blessed I am to feel comfortable enough to call them in times of need. How blessed I am to recognize the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

The last few months I have been trying to become more spiritual again. To become closer to Heavenly Father. I know I am so very far from where I need to be in my life, but this was such a faith building experience. To know that my Father in Heaven wants to help me. Wants the best for me. I just need to do the things he asks and be in tune with the still small voice. How lucky am I to have been raised in this church to more it was more than a coincidence that my Uncle's name came to mind. To know that it was Heavenly Father helping me. How wonderful. How wonderful. How wonderful.

I can't wait for the day when I am ready to go back to church. I know that day is near. I know Heavenly Father is slowly giving me the strength to go back. I cannot wait for that day to feel worthy of His blessings.

How wonderful, and how blessed I feel.

I went into Lethbridge with my boss, and one of the other assistant managers from work today. We decided to look around at Christmas-y stuff then go to a movie.

I suppose I should preface this story with some information about this past week.

A few days ago I had a "mini breakdown". I had been looking through my scrapbook at photos and came across my Grandpas funeral program. My Grandpa was the only real father figure I have ever had in my life. As I looked at his picture, at first I was sad. Sad that I missed out on so many good times with him. How is a girl supposed to live without her Grandpa. And as I sat there and cried and yelled at his picture, I started realizing that I wasn't mad at him for being gone, I was just mad I didn't have a father. It hit me that I'll never have that. I'll never get to be "daddy's little girl". It hit me hard. And I'm now dealing with it...

Anyways, as I was at one Christmas store tonight, I saw a lady I knew.

Normally I never make first contact. I just smile and wait for them to recognize me. But this time I made the contact. I walked over to her and held out my hand and said "hi". and she was like "uh...hi". and i said "i'm Rebecca." she looked at me blankly and my mind started telling me I was stupid for making this contact. Realizing she still had no idea who I was, I said "i'm mitzi and johns daughter". "ohh hello!!!" she said. "my, I havent seen you since you were very young".

She used to work for my Grandpa's company.

As we caught up she was asking how my mom was, then asked if i keep in contact with "johnny" (my dad) at all. I said it's been years since i've talked to him. she then told me my Grandpa is very ill. He just had surgery, but is going downhill. She went and visited him the other day and said "kid," (he calls everyone kid) "i'm not doin so well".

So here I sit at a crossroads, trying to decide my next move.

He is not my biological grandfather. But he was the only person in that family that I ever felt accepted by. I feel selfish that I don't go visit him and Grandma more often, but seeing as my dad lives with them, it would be a completely akward situation.

So what do I do?

I still have not come to terms with the things that my dad did to me, however, I don't want my grandparents to die without them knowing how much i love them, the way grandpa zaugg died.

So...waht do i do?

I thought about sending them a Christmas card, without a return address (because I don't want my dad to know where I live) and telling them that I miss them, and think about them often.

I think maybe that would be best. Or at least a start.

I wish I knew what to do...

I am, but a hurting child.
I fall so fast. Too fast.
I know I will fall, and I try to prevent it.
But I fall.

There's a funny thing about falling.
You always end up hurt.

I finally let go.
Maybe this time will be different.
Perhaps I will land on my feet this time.
I don't.

I lay there.
Broken.
Unfeeling.
Trying to pretend I am ok.

I am not.

I hurt.
I feel.
I cry.


Children are brave.
If they fall, they get up.
They try again.
The are conquerors of their simple lives.

A person can only fall so much though.
One day they will realize it isn't worth it.
To conquor would be wonderful.
But it isn't worth the pain.

And so I get up.
I brush off the dust.
I move on.
Ever more scared to fall again.

Ever more hopeful
That next time
I'll land
And not hurt.

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