Tags: Disciplinary Disfellow Court Love Bishop Fear Faith

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What a start to the day. I began to feel overwhelmed slightly, and to be honest very anxious and started to wonder if it was all worth it, then I thought I’ll know I’ll put some music on. I was listening to Never a Better Hero by Kenneth Cope (check it out on Youtube, it’s such a beautiful song).

I decided, “no I’m going to go, I promised myself I would go and I will go”. Despite this I was very apprehensive when I was driving to Church and even more so when I got to the car park. I had to sit for a couple of moments in the car just to stop myself panicking. I was told a really cool technique for this a few weeks ago. You just start to breathe in and out slowly. On the exhale you say to yourself relax and imagine Heavenly Father’s love descending on you. I kind of imagine it a bit like a big fluffy blanket!

So then I went in to Relief Society and we had a great lesson! It wasn’t dry, we are all interacting which I think helped a lot. And that bit that really helped was that people actually realised I was there. I know that sounds a bit silly, but sometimes I’ve felt as if I was the invisible man!  Sunday School was much the same, there was a lot of interaction for once. We didn’t have our regular teacher. Now don’t get me wrong, the regular teacher is really good with the scriptures, he knows the upside down, inside out and back to front. But he doesn’t really teach in ways that I can grasp. I know other people who really thrive in his class though so I guess it’s each to his own.

Sacrament meeting was primary presentation, and it felt good seeing how these kids (many of whom I have taught in these last few years) putting on this presentation. It was excellent really, especially certain ones who I had in nursery and who moved up with me when I taught Sunbeams. I remember them as shy, or not talkative and here they were singing and coming to the stand to talk. It was great!

And Heavenly Father didn’t leave me alone either! I remember praying in the car about my anxieties about who would be there who I could perhaps latch onto for the day so that I wouldn’t feel quite so alone. And He provided it, a member who I know quite well but who doesn’t come out that regularly due to an illness she has, and suddenly she’s there today of all days. That’s great.

I’m really thankful to everyone who has supported me not just since my last entry but since I started this blog way back in March this year. One day I know that I’ll meet each of you – I just want to give you a big hug!!!!

I’m really looking forward to General Conference now too, I can’t believe it’s come around so quickly since April! I love General Conference, I love hearing the words of the prophet and his counsellors. I’m really looking forward to hearing from President Eyring – he’s great isn’t he? Well they all are, President Monson and President Uchtdorf, and all the rest in the Quorum of the Twelve, but I find President Eyring’s talks really inspiring and memorable.

Part of today’s lesson was about pure testimony, what it was and how we retained it and for that reason I’d like to leave you with my testimony, that I know that this Church is the true Church of Christ, that He is at its head and that He appeared to Joseph Smith to restore His gospel to the earth. I know that, I simply know it to be true, and despite everything from this year, despite the dramas and the ups and downs and me running away to the great and spacious building for a while, I still knew it was true. I feel it in my heart and I know it with my mind.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Tags: Court Church Return Love Faith Christ Spirit

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Ten minutes to walking out the door to go to my ward... wish me luck!

Hi, I know that I haven’t actually written since August 7, and I’ll explain that it was partly due to me needing a little time to get some perspective on things and because I went on vacation.

I went to my home ward a few times during August, however I didn’t feel “a part” of it, you know? Looking back though I know I was being ridiculous, I sat and listed who I’d spoken to, and who had spoken to me, and I realised I was being oversensitive and stupid.

Over that time I was still having issues with my “ex-friend” (the one who told me I was ‘taking the oil from her lamp’. I also received a package of literature (with no explanation) from the Billy Graham Evangelical Association. This package had really annoyed me. I thought about who might have sent it to me. Do I know anyone who is an Evangelist? No. So I thought about other friends who might have had good intent, who were perhaps religious but weren’t members of any specific church. I thought long and hard but the only people I could think of had strong affiliations with their groups. I began to think about people having malicious intent. I couldn’t think of any names there either.

For all the thinking though two names then kept coming into my head. I didn’t want to confront this people because it would’ve just caused too much upset, especially if they had nothing to do with it. So instead, and I don’t know how familiar you are with Facebook.com, but you can provide a status update with a brief comment to all of your friends, I updated my Facebook status to read:

“Thank you to whoever sent me the Billy Graham books, unfortunately I KNOW THE BOOK OF MORMON IS TRUE so it was a bit of a waste of time wasn’t it?”

Now let me explain something else. I lost contact with a huge number of friends when I went to college, however they’ve been in touch via Facebook. Because they weren’t around they didn’t know I’d joined the Church, and hadn’t cottoned on despite all the LDS links and other stuff on my page that I was ‘Mormon’.

As such I received various comments due my status update, there was nothing especially nasty, just things like “oh so how many wives does your husband have?” etc. I started to feel rather vulnerable and considered editing my status update.

Let me go onto a tiny tangent now. About two years ago I commenced a semi-regular email correspondence with an LDS member in Utah. We’ve never met and we might exchange email every 3 or 4 months, you know just friendly updates about stuff that’s happening. We’re not like best friends or anything so he has no idea what is going on in my life at the moment.

That afternoon as I was considering taking down my status update, I checked my email and I’d received the usual email from this friend in Utah. It was the usual short quick update. Very light. But the final paragraph just read:

Romans 1.16

"For I am not ^aashamed of the ^bgospel of Christ: for it is the ^cpower of God unto ^dsalvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek."

I read it and I was blown on the floor, I was buzzing about it for a few days. I thought about it all afterwards and was truly astounded by it. How this relative stranger so many hundreds of miles away could pick this scripture at that moment without a prompting from Heavenly Father, well I don’t think it’s possible.

Problems

Back in August as I said I wasn’t very happy when I spent time in my home ward. I think a lot of this stemmed from my (ex) friend. However I found that while I was away on vacation she has moved to another country to study. I did try many times to hold out an olive branch to her, but she always dismissed it. I doubt I will see her again in this life. I know I still have some stuff to work out about what went on with her. I know that if I dwell on it I get quite angry and uptight. However that is for a future day when I am strong enough.

When I learned that she had gone, I emailed my bishop in order to find out what was going on with the FHE group. And now a recurring theme, I haven’t received a response from him. Once again I was back to thinking I must leave my ward, nobody wants me there, I’m too much trouble. But last time I thought like that and told my bishopric I was thinking of leaving, I was flatly refused and told that I had to resolve the issues here and not run away. I  was told to ‘bloom where I was planted’. It’s true. However the lack of response has had me feeling a little low.

I picked up this month’s Ensign and started to read the First Presidency message. This paragraph really stuck out at me:

 The Lord conveys that authority through His prophet to humble servants. Then faith can turn our call as a home teacher or a visiting teacher into an errand from the Lord. We go for Him, at His command. An ordinary man and a teenage junior companion go into homes expecting that the powers of heaven will help them assure that families are united and that there is no hardness, lying, backbiting, nor evil speaking (see D&C 20:54). Faith that the Lord calls servants will help us ignore their limitations when they reprove us, as they will. We will see their good intent more clearly than their human limitations. We will be less likely to feel offense and more likely to feel gratitude to the Master, who called them.

President Eyring, First Presidency Message, Ensign September 2008

So I will go to ward one on Sunday, I will be there no matter what. I  will be. I just have to keep telling myself that. Pray for me, please.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Ann

Tags: Church Court Love Alone Ensign Inactive Return Testimony Priesthood

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Tags: Church Court Confusion Satan Hostility Help Thanks

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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

Five years ago today - to the exact day and date was my baptism! Yippee!

I know I've not written in over a month, things have been pretty hectic.  Things have been going on with my family that have made life pretty difficult.

The last time I wrote I was talking about a group of new friends who were all pagan and they were really making me question everything. And that's what I've been beavering away at for the last month, and why I haven't put anything on here.

I feel as if I have come out of a fight with Satan. I've been called overly religious, a zealot, blinded etc etc. It's been hard. And for a while I actually believed and agreed with them, with what they were saying. But you know what? How wrong were they? I wish I was a zealot, maybe if I was a lot of this year would never have happened.

I'm coming to think and to hopefully understand that to progress I have to do it for myself and not for anybody else and that's something that I'm going to have trouble with. How hard it will be to walk back into my ward without people pointing and staring, or without being ignored I don't know. But watch this space and you'll find out.

For now, I ask that you remember me in your prayers that I will be able to be strong enough to see this through moment by moment, day by day.

A xxx

Tags: Disciplinary Action Court Love Confusion Fight

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Hi everybody,

I am so confused right now it's unbelievable.  I missed Church on Sunday last. It's a strange feeling inside right now. I feel so far removed from the 'organisation of the Church' and yet so close Heavenly Father. I really can't explain it at all.

I did have a call this morning checking up on me from Relief Society, which is the first one since this all began. I guess it was nice to know, but at the same time I still seem to be being ignored by my bishopric.

I've made matters worse for myself. I let a very trusted friend have the link to this blog, I wanted them to understand exactly what was happening right now. The problem is they've judged me, and withdrawn themselves. I can see that it's happened, and I am so very sorry for that. I know that one day I will see them again, and I know that we'll be reunited. I'm not angry at him, I can completely understand - sad fact is I would've done the same not so long ago.

I watch a tv show, I don't know who will have heard of it, House MD it's on Fox. House is an narcissistic egomaniacal doctor who doesn't believe in anything but pure hard fact. He also doesn't believe anyone tells the truth ever. "everybody lies". I am scared that I'm going to become like that. Become so hardened to things. I don't want that to happen, I don't want to become like the people in Alma - and yet I feel as if that is what is currently at stake.

As I wrote that paragraph I was thinking "how do I know that" - but I was reminded swiftly of my Patriarchal blessing which tells me I will have powers of perception and discernment granted to me - funny how things come to your mind isn't it?

I am so glad it's the weekend almost. I think, no I will, fast on Sunday, and try to give myself the strength to go to Church. All I would ask is that anyone who is reading this, no matter how short please please please remember me in your prayers this weekend.

Heartfelt thanks in advance.

A 

Tags: Disciplinary Council Confusion Turmoil Closeness Love

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So much has happened this week, so much since I last wrote and so much today.

Since I last wrote which was a bit doom and gloomy, I pondered the scriptures my bishop had sent me and knew that I had to come to Church this Sunday. And I've been, through the entire lesson schedule. I prepared for them. I participated in them. I felt the Spirit move me.

Let me take you back to a few days ago. I had written my last entry and went away again pondering the scriptures and also the talk by John Bytheway I was telling you about (wonderful wonderful talk that it is). The talk gets a bit technical, talking about how dandelions have tap roots and that even when you remove the surface they can still grow back. The more I thought, the more I prayed, the more I pondered and the more I realised what I must do. I know that Heavenly Father has been watching over me this week, and yesterday when I was praying first thing, the thought came to my mind that no matter what happened, I must take a breath, say a prayer and carry on. And that's what I did. I can tell you with no word of exaggeration that Satan and his influences have tried hard to keep me from Church today. Be it through other people, or through my own disorganisation etc, he has tried hard. But he didn't succeed today.

As I was driving to Church I'll admit I was nervous, nervous about facing my Relief Society President, nervous about facing my bishop. You know what, they are both exemplory. They've both shown me kindness and love that I perhaps wouldn't have shown me had I been in their position (that makes sense doesn't it).

I wasn't going to stay today, just until sacrament was passed, but I decided to. And the last talk was worth the entire day. It was so simple. The brother who talked was comparing the Holy Ghost and its influence to a Sat Nav device. I know that sounds completely irreverant but it made total sense and it got everyone listening. But the meaning of his talk was the old familiar lines, "Line upon line, precept on precept". That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make sure that for the next month my church attendance is 100%. Then I'm going to ask Heavenly Father what He wants me to work on next, be it tithing or scripture or service I don't know. But I'm going to take it a little at a time, and not get too over awed by the journey ahead.

What I've come away today is that new Relief Society goals for the next six months. It's called the "Power Hour", to spend 20 minutes reading scriptures, 20 minutes meditating and pondering on them, and finally at least 20 minutes praying every day. I think that's a wonderful idea, and really it's not that much when you think about it is it?

Thank you again for your support, comments and emails.

For now

A

Tags: Disciplinary Council Going Back Struggles Trials Being Strong Testimon

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First of all, I'm sorry I don't like the number 13, so this is blog 12 + 1 or I guess 14 - 1 or whatever. Anyway,I need to stop distracting myself from what I'm writing.

Since my last blog things haven't really gone so well, but I'm going to start off a bit backwards and tell you about something I was reading yesterday I think, and I can't even remember exactly what it was or who it was by but it was LDS and it was talking about the Council in Heaven etc, and then it crunched some numbers for the number of people on earth versus the number of people who've lived etc, but it basically worked out that for each one of us on the earth today there are 8 spirits who were cast out of heaven and who are working on us. Wow, that's a battle and a half to begin with really isn't it? This week has certainly been turbulant, you know how I mentioned that I sort of felt as though my bishopric weren't really bothered. Well I'd kinda calmed down, my bishop had been in touch and it left me thinking 'oops' shouldn't have jumped so quickly. So I requested a blessing from the ward clerk person thing - sorry I can't remember what his full title is. Anyway, he told me that he and the bishop and the first counsellor would be at the meeting house on Tuesday night from about 7.15. Okay, so I messaged him and said so do you want me there before or after. Nothing, tried to call, no response. This was from like the day before at noon. So finally at 7.45 on the Tuesday night I got a call asking me to be at the chapel but that they would have to be gone by 8.00. So I was pretty angry and pretty upset. I've not been back to Church since the incident with the woman who 'threw me out' or at least not my ward.

Anyway I was so angry I phoned an old friend up who I've only recently been in touch with. And with her help that night my anger boiled over. I sent the following message to my bishop word for word:

Hi bishop, I have absolutely no idea what is going on right now all I know is that I love my Heavenly Father and to hell with anything else if I can't be at church so be it I have the scriptures and lds.org

I was angry - and annoyed and a million other things. And to be honest full of doubts - I still am if I'm being honest with myself. Anyway, that same night I learned more about my friend and what she's been doing this last decade. Now I'm not judging her but it gave me a little teeny tiny wake up call. She's been working as a topless model.  It's always the quiet ones. I was a wallflower but I think even I looked like a great peacock at the side of my friend.

So anyway, there's me with my anger spilling over, being confronted in such a way by my friend who to all intents and purposes had shared a very similar path to me in our younger years. And now I felt like I was looking through a mirror, at what I could have done.

I'm literally sat opposite her thinking all this as she's telling me about these different photo shoots in different places with different photographers, and then my bishop messaged me the following:

That is good news however please remember Moroni 6:5-6 D&C 20:55-75

That night, I dropped my friend back home and pondered over these scriptures and everything that had happened, and my doubts over whether the bishopric et al actually still wanted me in Church. And even though those doubts are still there, creeping away in the back of my mind, I'm going to go to my ward on Sunday. There's a fantastic point made in a talk a few months ago by John Bytheway, from "Weed your Brain, Grow your Testimony", which basically says when we start to doubt our faith, instead of stopping reading the scriptures, praying etc, thereby concentrating on the doubt, we should concentrate on the faith and let the doubts creep away.

I'll let you know how Sunday goes.

 A x

Tags: Disciplinary Council Going Back Struggles Trials Tithe Testimony

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It's been about a month since I last wrote here, and I'd like to thank you all for your emails and comments since then.

I'm feel like I'm on a massive rollercoaster at the moment, only it's night and there are no lights on and I've got absolutely no idea what is coming up.

A friend who helped me through my council turned away from me last month, just when I needed her most. I can see her point, she basically didn't want me draining her testimony with my questions. And it's as simple as this, I wish I didn't believe in the Church. I wish I could just walk away because the grass really does look greener right now on the other side of the fence. But I can't. You know what, I did this random quiz thing on another website (beliefnet.com) which basically you answer a series of questions and then put how important the particular question is to you and then it comes up with a percentage match of these different churches and belief systems, i.e. New Age, Buddhist, Jehovah's Witness, Catholic etc. You wanna know what, there were about 20 that it listed for me. From about a 26% match then most in the 70% mark, and then after 76% there was only one that was a 100% match. Guess what??? Yeah, you're right it was The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Fiddlesticks.

That friend who walked away, she kicked me out of the building a few weeks ago, in front of everyone she humiliated me and told me that I shouldn't be teaching the FHE group that I help to run. Let me make this clearer, I'd cooked, prepared a lesson and everyone else was aware. She claimed she wasn't. She tried to have a stand off, raising her voice in the chapel. Now I'm the first person to want to go into an argument - I have a legal background need I say more! - but I couldn't chase the Spirit away further so I just left.

I reported all that back to bishop, who is supposed to be 'helping me' after the council. He didn't offer any comment. I explained to him via an email that I was thinking of going to a different ward for a while, just while things settled down and until this particular person leaves my area in September of this year. The only emphatic advice he has given on that, is that my ward is my home and that I should be there. Since then I've not been anywhere. And it's getting to me. Not having that spiritual uplift every Sunday is making it far easier to not read the scriptures, to not pray, to not bother.

The thing is though that I know, right now this second, that I am at a crossroads. Like I said I wish that I could walk away to something else, to another church that made life easier. Where I didn't have to face everything else that's gone on or been going on, and indeed where my actions wouldn't have landed me in the council in the first place. But I know that I can't. Because I know that Joseph Smith restored the gospel, I know that Heavenly Father loves me and cares for me, just as much as I know my earthly parents do. And I know that this is the true Church on earth today. So I'm stuck really, in limbo, until I can let go of the problems I can't move forward, I just don't know how. I should be in Sunday School right now, but I've not gone, well you can guess that because I'm typing this blog.

I've printed some talks and articles off lds.org that I'm going to read this afternoon, about coming back to Church. I'll let you know how it goes.

Ann

Tags: Disciplinary Council Going Back Struggles Trials Tithe Testimony

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