Oh, how I’ve lived in my dreams! I’ve been every beautiful woman I’ve watched on screen. I’ve lived in the wild in a hollow tree, and swam naked in the ocean at night. I’ve been a passionate artist and a Hawaiian princess with millions of flowers in my long black hair. I’ve spoken every language with accents like never before and danced at my wedding a hundred times. I’ve lived in Italy on no one’s time and cried forever for a lost love. I’ve worn dresses whose color could only be rivaled by sunsets. I’ve crossed the plains in a dress and bonnet and lived in a tree house in New Guinea. I’ve attended college in Boston and ice skated in Central Park. I’ve built a sand castle 3 stories high and went for a morning jog on China’s great wall. I’ve been a thief of jewels, Hollywood’s sweetheart, the world’s greatest athlete and a runway model just for fun. I’ve imagined myself with the riches of the world and glamour to last a lifetime. I’ve been in rags on cold Russian streets selling whatever I could make to survive. I’ve swam under the ocean as a glittering mermaid who seduces sailors and I’ve fought against all hope and won. I’ve seen myself in lives far beyond the scope of my own. They all seemed so enchanting, but when I wake up and I’m back at home, I start to find my real fairy tales. I have the most beautiful shower curtain in the whole world, and I played on grassy hills as a child. I am mesmerized by the silhouette of my shadow in moonlight, and I have a lover who follows me into the next room just to gaze at me. I have young girls who think I am the perfect role model, and my hair has always been long and silky. I have happy memories of the girlish fantasies I was able to live. Every time I look at my husband I see the most adorable children and I can’t wait until they are mine. I have the height of a supermodel and the know-how to fix a flat tire on a dark road. I’ve slept next to a campfire on the beach and shared tears and laughter with life-long friends. My wedding day smelled like summer flowers and had clear blue skies. My children will have brilliant green eyes and be tall with a perfectly formed backside. My nails are long and square and I have beautifully colored bath towels. I can get lost playing a piece of music and have it change my outlook on life. I put up one heck of a fight in a tickle war and I own my own car. I’ve met celebrities and dined with politicians. I’ve shopped in Sacks Fifth Avenue while touring New York City. I’ve walked the Golden Gate and played tag in a 200 year old fort. I’ve sent wishes off tied to a balloon and spent summers playing on a rope swing. My adventures might not have been made of magic, but I didn’t just wish - I lived.

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So while in the process of cleaning out our second bedroom, I found a bunch of my old journals. I always feel embarrassed to read through and see how immature I really was, but I've concluded that it must mean that I've grown up a bit since then. I don’t know why I wanted to post some of the things I've written. There's just something kinda cool about putting things out there without knowing who might read it, but still, I hope that it doesn't seem like I'm fishing for compliments or anything. Anyway, I'm just going to hurry up and stop rambling before I make a bigger fool out of myself...

A Mother's Blessing
Patience my darling, good things are on their way. It's the longsuffering that end up with the reward. Choose wisely and always be looking to the future. Do not get caught up in a moment, for that is all it is, and soon it will be gone, bringing you with it. Heartache will come, but it will mold you, and make your future decisions more educated. Take your time. Follow your heart, but don’t run on it's time for it is far too impulsive. You have a good head about you. Use it, but remember you are not alone. Fall to your knees as often as you can. Those who keep the Lord as their constant companion are those who delight in the fullest of joy. Endure all placed in your path, for that is the test of this world. As you go, reach to those who have fallen. Your hands bring God's love. Stand tall in all you do, stand up for what is right. For you, my darling, are the best of the best. You are a daughter of God.
-January 4, 2002

I live for today, but remember the past.
The lessons are learned from, but the mistakes are forgiven.
I try to live to have no regrets, but I won't beat myself up if I need repentance.
I try to love myself, because I'm all I've got.
I may not like every part of me, but those don't outweigh the potential I know I have.
Heavenly Father hasn't asked me to be spotless, but He's shown me what I can be and left no excuses.
There is no justification for my life being a failure.
I will know my divine role, and I will be:
Daughter, Missionary, Friend, Teacher, Wife, Mother, and Servant.
-November 23, 2002

Before You, And Now.....
I heard the words, I thought I knew,
How happy I'd be to be loved by you.
Love songs played and stories told,
Of love found young, together grown old.
Twenty years and I thought I'd had my fill.
I told myself, "Great love I will,
Find when fate brings him to me,
And forever happy we will be.
We'll have joy like none before
The world has seen, and even more.
No word will tell, all far too dim,
Just how much love I'll have for him.
Oh yes, I know how it will play.
Together we'll walk, year month and day.
A perfect love we two will share.
He'll fit right in, our lives merged there.
Even for cynics who push it away,
Ever after comes anyway."
Of course I was right, what else could I be?
I'd stay my course, and love finds me!
Then there you were, I was taken aback.
My rambling stopped, the words I lacked.
Those poets, I now understood.
Now with their eloquence I wish I could
Express the pumping of my heart,
How we never want to be apart.
Now I confess, I spoke with haste.
I thought that I had words to waste.
One year in, "expert" I be,
And finally i am brought to see,
I'd heard the words, I thought I knew,
But nothing compares to loving you.
-November 10, 2004

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