I just wanted to give a nod to an experience that intertwines all of the efforts I have ever made as a single mother (even when I was married I was more or less single), and this session of attending university is no different.

That is, finding babysitters.

I hate that.  Trying to balance how much I can afford, versus finding a person who will really love my children, versus scheduling, calling on the phone, humbly/humiliatingly having to ask for help, knowing people in the ward and my family say "yes" to help me but they don't really want to do it.

My youngest is potty training and it's not going so well.  I don't feel good about leaving that job to another woman, but what can I do?  I can quit school.  That's what I can do.  Yeah.  I don't know.  I probably should.

My mother is actually coming to live with us so she can take care of the children.  Thank you, Mom!!  But she hasn't arrived yet.  She's trying to finish up her own Master's Thesis.  So I have a few weeks here of finding babysitters.  I have been asking around if there is someone who wants to let me pay them.  My family won't let me pay them, but I still can't ask them to do it very often.  It's just all very frustrating all the psychological and practical details that I have to juggle and balance.

Luckily, when it comes time and I've prayed and I've gotten someone to help and get the two little boys' lunch packed (the bigger kids are in school, and are, well, bigger) -- on that day, at least, all I have to do is look at the little boys and say, "Guess where you get to play today?"  They say, "Yaaay!!"

Tags: College Motherhood Womanhood

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All right!!!  I just did my first day of classes!  Woot woot to me!!

I hate to say this, but this is going to be easier than I had expected.  I have four classes, and 2 of them basically the only assignment is to pass the exams.  I can do that no problem.  The other two classes have a few minimal writing assignments, like perhaps 5 total between the two classes for a total of perhaps 15 pages.  I can do that no problem.  The rest of it is tons of reading and listening and discussing in class.  I can do all that no problem.  I am totally motivated by my class subjects (American History, Islamic History and World Politics).

I did feel kind of weird because of other stuff going on in my life -- money, spirit, romance (or not), mental illness, kids, house building, yada yada yada . . . . so I was fresh out of good emotions, simply did not have the molecules for them, so I just was, whatever, through most of the day.  I WOULD have been excited if I COULD have.  But sitting in a college class -- it has taken everything I have within my sould to get here.  It's precious to me.

I did feel a little like . .  . well, you know, what outfit to wear . . . I ended up just, meh, whatever.  I was wearing clothes ya know?  And then they had changed the class rooms, so I did start out in a Spanish class that . . . well, I left, and went to find my real class.  But I was pretty philosophical about that; what's a first day of school without having no idea where you are geographically??

So little bit about me.  My secret hiding place?? My car . . . with the radio blasted . . . and I'm not talking Afterglow . . .  So three days a week I will be driving two hours in the a.m., two hours in the p.m. to and from the college . . . it will be just me and Blink 182, ha ha.  (For example . . . I have other albums . . . I think . . .)  This will be the best part of my life for the next three years, the driving.  Ha ha.

So since the academics is going to be . . . no problem . . . what is going to be tuff is apparently this semester is going to be my own personal fat camp.  There's no time to eat more than a banana (gasp!) in between classes.  And I will be walking close to two miles at least 2 times a week (on Friday's the class that is at the other end . . . the VERY other end . . . of campus, doesn't meet).  In any case, puff, puff, puff! Walking all about the mountainous campus.  There is a bus, but honestly, I'm going to take this opportunity.

Okay, I love watching people; college campus is the best for this.  And ya gotta love the west, nobody dresses up for anything.  Seriously, fine by me.  One dude was in bed hair, no shoes, bball shorts and a T.  This was for the 11 a.m. class.  One older (my age) gentleman was dressed up -- in a black kilt and dress shirt, that is.  Sweet.  Apparently the new fashion for men is earrings that make a wide hole in your ear, and a circlet gets set in there, don't know how else to describe it.  It's kind of based in African tradition.  Most of the guys who were wearing those kind of earrings had little (wide) holes, the size of the tip of my pinkie.  But I did see one gent with wide (wide) holes, size of a small tortellini, as in ouch.  Hollow through, the way the earring is, anyway.  Oh, I listened to two guys talk German in the Islam class. Neither of them was German.  Of course, lots of people from all over the world -- one girl from Russia I met directly (Amber!!). Our Islam professor was soooo happy, because apparently everybody in our class is sane in the sense that when he began by asking us what came to mind when we thought of Islam, no one mentioned "jihad" or said "them'z terrrrists" with a Jeff Foxworthy nasal.  Ha ha.  We all said things based closer to reality (in my opinion).  So the professor was like, "I am sooo happy!!!"

Each professor is different.  I love it.  One little old lady, one razor smart little old lady, is teaching one of the American history survey's I'm taking.  She speaks slowly, oldly, petite, white haired, and in a stern voice told us NOT to EVER email our assignments to her, thank you, she wants them on paper!!! Ha ha.  But she knows her Christopher Columbus.  Another professor has a British accent . . . .hmmm . . . . get to listen to that all semester, and all you American girls know what I mean :) :).  The other professor is going to have us have small discussion groups in class, so I love that idea.

When I got home in the early evening, my teenage daughter . . . . who knows me far too well . . . . asked me if I had seen any cute boys.  I told her, "Honey, between the four classes, I saw 300 cute boys." He he.  Trouble is . . . they all look 12 to me . . . ha ha . . . 's way it's supposed to be, I guess.

What else?

Oh, yea.

The hail storm.

I kid you not.

And that was during the (mile?) walk from north to south campus and I wasn't even sure where I was going.  The hail came down, and then it began to downpour water.  Some smarties did have umbrellas, but the rest of us were just jogging -- trying not to slip and land on our rears -- and all these girls in these teensy tank tops -- it was actually a great moment of community for everyone on campus.  You could just hear the story forming in our spirits . . ."The day it hailed in summer on the first day of class!" . . . everyone was running, laughing, cussing, helping, holding doors open, commisserating, going a bit wild.  It was perfect.  And when I found one little piece of roof to run underneath to just take a break from swimming, just for a bit, just a little narrow ledge of roof in a doorway . . . there was a young man holding his bike who had found the same spot.

We watched the rain, gathering rain courage again, and then we looked into each other's eyes and laughed.

Tags: Motherhood College Education Womanhood

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I ordered my books online at the beginning of the month and they are to ship to my house.  Talk about problems being blessings.  I got a call from the bookstore saying, "Blah, blah, blah, we need to exchange, blah, blah, blah."  So finally I got on the phone and we discussed possibilities of how to handle the situation so I could get the proper edition.  But then I mentioned that I had not actually received the book in question, nor any of my other texts except for one separately (FedEx!).  So the clerk put me on hold to figure out why the main set of texts hadn't arrived.  She came back on and said that my texts were en route to California (mistake on the zip code apparently).  GOOD PLACE FOR THEM TO BE!!!! HA HA HA HA.  She apologized a lot, but I was like, "Hey, life is full of stuff like this.  Ya just have to solve it.  It's perfectly all right.  No harm, no foul."  She was actually a very smart, helpful person, knew what she was doing, and willing to get it all done.  So hopefully now my books are being retrieved from California, and the exchange blah blah blah is happening correctly.  Whew!

Tags: Women Motherhood College Preparedness Children Family Decisions Goals Finan

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I need to share with all of you a true experience that I have recently been a part of.

A year ago -- probably two! -- I was the Relief Society music leader.  Besides conducting the opening and closing song, I was also given a few minutes at the beginning of Relief Society class time to present music -- learn a new hymn, or have a special number, or anything that would bring the spirit and music and teach the topic of the lesson.  I loved this calling.

There came the time where I was told that I would soon be released, as soon as they had a chance to call someone new.  I didn't know exactly which day I would be released, but I was expecting it.

It was during this time that I thought of a very special musical presentation I wanted to give.  The lesson was on temples, and I knew that this particular teacher was very creative and experienced.  I knew she would have prepared a great lesson.  I knew exactly the song I wanted to share with the Relief Society sisters!  A special treat!  I planned to bring my cassette tape with the song, and just allow the sisters to listen and feel the Spirit -- and then they would feel so soft and special for the lesson.

I can't remember now (isn't that just how this type of forgiveness story goes??), but that particular day turned out to be one of my more difficult.  I couldn't find the song at my house, and then when I did, I couldn't get a hold of a player, and after I did that, I was wrestling with my baby, and when I got there I found out this was to be my last day in the calling; that they had found someone -- so on and so forth.  I don't know what else was going on.  Maybe I had a penny in the bank.  I always struggle with mental and emotional challenges, so maybe that contributed.  Point being, I was in a very vulnerable position.  I was counting on the fact that I could share this song that meant something to me with the sisters, and that it would make everything better within me.  It would make the troubles worth it, put it in perspective.

Michelle, a very lovely, kind lady in our Relief Society presidency, was conducting.  There was a very long list of announcements.  There was discussion about who needed help in the ward, and who had good news.  There were sign up sheets to go around.  (Meanwhile, I wrestle with the baby, and think about my song.)

At the very moment when Michelle should have announced my name and music time, she instead turned the time over to Sis. So and So who would give the lesson.  She forgot about me completely.  I'm normally not shy, and if I felt that I could I would have said, "Excuse me, music time?" with a big smile.  But Sis. So and so had started, and she had already said, "I'm so nervous for this lesson, and I have really have felt the spirit while I prepared this lesson, and . . . "

Well, I had felt so dark, that this development was too much for me.  I scooped up my wiggly baby, and from the front row, rushed out of the Relief Society room.  I knew it looked bad, but I just didn't want to burst into tears in front of everybody.  And honestly, it was very out of character for me.  But that's what happened.

So in the bathroom (sincerely hoping no Sunbeams would need to go potty in the next few minutes) I bawled.  I actually was never angry with Michelle.  She is the sweetest lady in the world, and even at my worst moment I couldn't lay it at her feet.  I figured if I was ever in the Relief Society presidency, I would want people to be patient with my mistakes.  I was ticked off with God for a bit for not helping things "go right" when he KNEW I had something special planned (sigh. . . he he), and I was really angry with myself for putting so much of my heart into the situation.  I was very sad too, because since I no longer had the calling I wouldn't even get a second chance.

Well, Michelle came in the bathroom, and apologized (she was stricken!) and even as I bawled, I told her that it was okay, and that I was just upset not to have been able to share and that I was having a hard time anyway, and had just been really looking forward to it.  (I think she even apologized in front of the whole Relief Society the next week.)

So I thought we had gotten through it, me and Michelle, and things were fine.

Well, a few weeks ago, Michelle came up to me and gave me a hug, we were just saying hi.  And I think we were in the bathroom.  But then she said to me, "Jxxxx, I can't look at you without remembering how I screwed up."  She said this very sweetly, it wasn't rude or anything.  We even laughed about it.

This is 2 years later!  Oh, Michelle, I thought, no no no!  I put her in my arms, I said, "Oh, no, Michelle."  We confirmed that it was "all right".  It was.  And it wasn't.  Here it was two years later, and she was still hating herself for -- really, absolutely nothing.  My petulant behavior.

So two days ago, I saw her in the hall, and hugged her and said, "I'm going to try to give you a new idea for me, Michelle."

So moral of the story for anyone who needs it.  Sometimes people just don't mean to hurt us.  They don't.  And they would be VERY hurt if they knew that they had hurt you.

It gives a whole new meaning to 3 Nephi 12:23-24.

Please, forgive me Michelle!!!!

Tags: Forgiveness Sacrament Brotherhood Understanding Inactivity Reconciliation

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The following passage has been one of my favorites that I turn to from time to time to continue to help me understand my relationship to my Father in heaven as a woman, and most particularly how I might receive revelation from him, and how I might best conduct my life as a daughter of God.  The story, while true, also has a great deal of spiritual information in between the lines.

v15  "And the water was spent in the bottle .. ."

v16  "Let me not see the death of the child.  And she . . . lift[ed] up her voice and wept."

v17  "And God heard . . . What aileth thee . . . ? fear not . . .

v19  "And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink."

(This is the story of Hagar, when she and her son Ishmael first had to leave her home in Abraham's camp, and be on her own.)

Tags: Revelation Guidance Nourish Living Water Children Women

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A new era starts for me.

It is the rest of my life.

I never really thought I'd get to this point.  I thank my Father in heaven for leading me and making a way.

This fall I will be starting university.  My goal will be to get a Bachelor of Arts in History; I am minoring in International Relations.  I am attending Northern Arizona University (NAU) in Flagstaff, Arizona.

I will be chronicling my adventures in university and with family life and such.  What is it like to be a mom and be in college?  Especially as a Latter-day Saint woman?  Well, you are going to find out!  Ha ha.  . . . at least what it will be like for me.

This week I actually started my "fall" routine.  It may seem early to you, but my kids' school starts in a little over a week.  I've been doing paperwork and paying registration ($$$AGGGGH!) money for 2 high school kids, 1 junior high kid, a 6th grader (transitioning from homeschool), and preparing ideas and structure for the homeschooling (the 8 year old and the 3 year old). 

So I've been sitting down, pondering, praying, thinking, writing it out, writing it up, and starting the trial runs, ha ha, to see if the "fall routine" will all work.  (The big question -- in terms of scheduling, will toilet cleaning take second seat to essays in World Politics??  Okay, so that is one of the easier questions .)

So look forward to musings and happenings in the coming weeks and years.  I'll talk about college, faith and church, motherhood, reminisce on the past and how I got here, dream about the future and where I hope to go, anything that comes to mind that has any bearing on this great adventure.

I hope you enjoy the reality show!

Tags: Women Motherhood College Preparedness Children Family Decisions Goals Finan

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Please consider this an interpretive (even fictionalized) account of Genesis 19. [written in 1999]

Lot sat at the gate of Sodom in the evening, conversing with men, as was the custom.  He looked up and saw two priesthod messengers approaching Sodom.  He rose up to meet them and knelt and and bowed himself with his face to the ground.  "Please, Brethren," said Lot.  "I am thy servant.  Come into my home for the night, wash your feet, and then ye may rise up early and continue your journey."

They answered, "There is no need.  We plan to rest in the street all night."

"Oh, no, no," Lot pressed them greatly, "it is no trouble and it would be a great honor to my family."

So the Brethren went with Lot into his home.  He made them a feast, baking unleavened bread, and everyone ate well.

But before they were ready to sleep, the men of Sodom, old and young from all over town, circled Lot's house in a spirit of vicious revelry.  They called out to Lot:  "Where are the men which came into thee this night?  Bring them out to us, so they can join the orgy!"

Lot came out the door and shut it behind him.  He had friends among them and did business with many of the men.  "Please, my brothers, do not do this wickedness here tonight."

"Stand back!  Get out of our way!  We'll get them ourselves!"  They knew they were not wicked and were angry with Lot for his intolerance and judgmental attitude.  This guy is a foreigner that we have welcomed into our great city, and now he pulls the self-righteous bit.  Now we will deal worse with him than with them.  "We will have the men and your daughters, and we will do as we like with them!"

Lot was afraid, but knew he could not even consider this thing.  He tried again to plead with the men.  "My daughters are too young, chaste.  And these men have come under the shadow of my roof, and are entitled to have peace in my house.  So, I ask you only this once that you not do this.  My God will not justify me if I give in to you."

This only made the revelers angrier, and they swarmed up to the door intending to break through Lot, but his visitors quickly pulled him in and shut the door.  They could all hear the barrage continue outside for a moment and then the sounds changed to angry surprise.  From the cursing outside, Lot's family realized that the wicked ones had been made blind by the messengers.  They couldn't find the door -- but even then, they were so lustful that it didn't stop them from trying.

The messengers talked to Lot.  "Do you have any other family here?  Sons?  Daughters and sons-in-law?  Gather all of your loved ones together and get out of this city immediately.  For we will destroy this place because of the cry of the little ones, the molested ones, waxes great before the face of the Lord.  The Lord has sent us here to destroy it."

Lot left right then.  He spoke to his sons-in-law that had married his daughters.  "Get out of this city immediately, for the Lord will destroy it."  But the sons-in-law couldn't believe him, they thought he was mocking them.  So when it was early morning it was only Lot, his wife, and his two young daughters that the Brethren woke up and hastened on their way.  Even Lot and his family tried to gather up stuff to take, but the messengers would not let them and took them literally by their hands and led them out of the gate.  The Lord was merciful to them and did not allow them to be consumed in the iniquity of the city.

At the gate, the angels said, "Escape for your life, don't look back, don't stay in the plain, escape all the way to the mountain, or you will be consumed."

"Oh, please," said Lot, "Thou and the Lord hast been merciful, and I have found grace in thy sight, but I'm afraid we will just die in the mountain, too.  Could we just go to the little town of Zoar?  It's just little and not too far away.  There our souls will be saved; it cannot be as wicked."

The Brethren answered, "See, the Lord accepts your plan.  He will not destroy the little town along with the rest of the plain.  But hurry, get going, so we can do what we came to do."

Lot got to Zoar soon after sunrise.  Then the Lord rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire out of heaven and he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities and that which grew upon the ground.

Tags: Choice Deliverence Priesthood Trials World

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[The following is a result of my own study and I don't put it forth as doctrine.  I am not giving exact quotes, but more like paraphrasing with a little interpretation.  If I recall correctly, these are the four major spots in Genesis, and four major times in Abraham's life, when God gave him the covenant, and it looks to me like God gave it in stages.  Again . . . just some of my own thoughts (from 1999).  You can take it or leave it.]

GENESIS 12:1-4

Get out of your country, away from your relatives, away from your father's house.

Go to a land that I will show you.

Of you, I will make a great nation.

I will bless you.

I will make your NAME great.

You will be a blessing.

Those who embrace you will have blessing; those who turn away will have forsaken a reward.

All the families of the earth will be blessed as a result of your mission.

"So Abram departed as the Lord had spoken unto him."

GENESIS 13:1-18

Life up now your eyes: look from the place where you are.

Remember this everlasting covenant that I make with you.

Remember the mission of Enoch, whom you are descended from.

I will give you the land forever -- I will give it to  your posterity.

Your posterity will be innumerable.

Arise, walk through the land -- I'm giving it to you.

"Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt . . . and built there an altar unto the Lord."

GENESIS 15 {ALSO JOSEPH SMITH TRANSLATION}

"Fear not Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward."

Lord, what will you give, since I have no child?

You will have an heir out of your own body.

Look to heaven, look to the stars.  Can you count them?  So will you not be able to count your children.

I am the same Lord that directed you to leave your original country; I am the same Lord that gave you this land for an inheritance.

Lord, how can this be an inheritance when it belongs to others and I am a wanderer here?

Even if you die, I am able to give it to you.  If you die, you will still possess it.  In the future, the Son of Man (the Holy Man in Heaven) will be resurrected.  Then you will also be able to be resurrected.

You will live to an old age and be buried.  Your descendents will be slaves for four hundred years in a strange land.  But eventually, I will serve justice and the nation of your children will return here with the wealth of that strange land.  The people who live here right now, the Amorites, are good people still so far, and so they are free to enjoy their lives here.

"Abram looked forth and saw the days of the Son of Man, and was glad, and his soul found rest, and he believed in the Lord."

GENESIS 17

"I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect."

The covenant I make with you has as its token the circumcision of every male infant among you when he is eight days old.

This will show the promises of an unlimited posterity, "father of many nations", Abraham.

Also with this token, your children may be distinct and identifiable among all nations: kings.

As well, share this covenant and its token with the stranger and the (bought) servant who come into your house.  Make them a part of this family-nation.

This is an everlasting covenant: I make it with you and I make it with all generations of your seed: I will be their God.

The token of your flesh (circumcision) will be a symbol of your soul.  I warn you and all others against being cut off from the covenant, cut off from the family.

I will bless your wife, Princess (Sarah).  I will give you a son of her: kings of people from her, a mother of nations.  Call the son, Isaac.

"In that selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son."

Tags: Abraham Covenant

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Abraham was a man who . .

Had brothers

Had a father

Lived close to his immediate family

His wife was unable to have children

Left the land of his origin, a wealthy place, for the green country to start all over

Was advised by the Lord to leave his kindred

Was promised by his Father in heaven to have nations as his posterity, and a land blessed for them, and that his posterity would be a force for good in the earth

Was 75 years of age when he started over another time, into the dry desert

Was a leader ("souls that they had gotten")

Worshiped God according to the rites of his religion

Listened to and obeyed his Father in heaven

Lived in tents

Journeyed

Experienced famine; had to seemingly go farther away from the reward of the Lord's promises in order to save his family from the famine ("into Egypt to sojourn there")

His life was in danger from the government

His wife was willing to save his life at some cost to herself

Was related to his wife

Was married to a beautiful woman who kept her beauty for many years

Was granted riches in the  midst of an unbearable situation -- in a situation where he would have gladly given it all back if it could have united him with his wife -- the Lord helped him to end up with both

Kept peace with his neighbors by not needing to egotistically be the best or have the most

Was capable in defense and war -- saved the day, led the troops, restored his kinsmen to their freedom, took no spoil

Looked up at the stars at night

Married a Shemite princess (Sariah), an Egyptian bondswoman (Hagar), and a desert maiden (Keturah)

Begat seven sons, to whom he transmitted a knowledge of the Savior, and the rights and order of his religion

Sorrowed when his two eldest sons (because of their mothers) could no longer live together; watched his family be torn apart by mockery and jealousy

Experienced a great miracle when his childless wife was at last able to bear a son

Experienced circumcision as an adult

Entertained angels around his dinner table

Watched beloved Lot, who was a good man, but perhaps not fully valiant -- watched Lot and his family come to a bad and sad end

Was tender and compassionate about the lives of me ("I will not destroy it for ten's sake.")

Worked in international relations, was honored by those around him, even those who lived after the world

Was willing to sacrifice the most precious thing on earth to him, for the love that he had for Heavenly Father, and the trust that he had in the love Heavenly Father had for him, that the Father would not require anything of him that was not for Abraham's benefit

Was able to serve in the priesthood with his young son

Received a new name from God

Lived for a time as a widower

Taught his son to marry a woman that would have the same faith

Delegated important jobs to trusted servants

Lived 175 years

Abraham was a man who experienced life in a manner common to us all.  He was hungry for communion with God, and was filled with that communion.

Tags: Abraham Man Mortality Life Good

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