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Just a little update for anyone who was curious.

Landlord put the house I'd moved into up for sale within 3 weeks of my moving in.  Needless to say, that had made me very anxious and worried.  Due to large bills from an emergency years ago, we aren't exactly the type of people the banks like to give money to for home buying loans.  That, and homes to rent are kind of scarce in this town if you want to keep a pet, let alone three!  I think you can understand how I felt when you add in the stress from a full schedule of nursing school and little else. 

Fortunately, I've been passing all of my courses and learning a great deal in my clinical rotations.  A couple weeks ago, a family member offered to sell his old house to my family in a very generous set of terms.  I nearly cried from relief.  The thought of becoming homeless does alot to scare a person and I had been worried about that from the moment the realtor put the For Sale sign in the lawn in September! 

I am so very thankful that things have turned out so well!

Tags: Moving Stress Blessings

 

So, I accepted a calling today to be a Young Single Adults representative.  I wasn't at church today, I was not feeling well and stayed home to rest.  That didn't stop the 1st counselor from stopping by my new house, which I just moved into 2 or 3 days ago and was part of the reason I didn't show up at church (I hurt myself moving furniture).  He offered the calling, and I, without thinking said, "Sure!  I'll give it a try!"  Looking back, I realize that sort of response is not typically in-character for me.  I'm the type who usualy asks for time to think it over before giving an answer.  

My response sunk into my brain AFTER he had shook my hand and left.  D'oh!  I spend every other Saturday and Sunday at various places my teachers asign me to for clinicals!  I'm a senior in the nursing major at my local college.  Needless to say, I am a very busy person and am often stressed out!  My other problem, I know only one other person in my age group in my ward.  To say that I'm very shy and introverted is an understatement.  It takes a morning pep-talk and a mental kick in the pants for me to "shut off" that part of my personality for school and patient care!  It's not easy!  It's energy draining.  It's not second-nature to me, yet.  I often spend time after shifts kicking myself on how I could have done almost any number of things in a better way!  Have I bitten off more than I can chew??

I'm 28 and most of the people I'd be serving would be like 18-21 ish.  I'm not sure I have anything in common with them other than being a member of the church and being unmarried!  I kind of gave up hope of my ever getting married.  Does that make me a hypocrite for accepting a calling in a program that I see as a means of getting the unmarried people paired off?  (I don't mean it in a negative way, I think it's a good thing to have people with the same values interact with eachother and see prospective partners.)  

Does anyone have any advice on how to not screw up this calling?  I'm scared and kind of at a loss of what I should do! 

 

Tags: Callings Young Single Adults

This has been a rough summer.  I'm a nursing major, so I understand that school will be a near-constant source of stress.  Then add to the fact that I had to deal with the deaths of 2 of my cousins dying within 3 weeks of each other.  I've been spending most of my time since I got home from my clinical days at home crying and feeling extremely depressed.  I feel like I've been hit by a bullet train of depression and grief and I'm getting really frustrated with feeling this way. 

School is starting up again in a couple of weeks.  I don't need my senior year of college to be crippled by depression.  I don't know if it is my hypothyroidism causing this, grief, depression or a mixture of all of the above. All I know is that I need help, but I don't even know where to turn for help. 

Tags: Grief Stress

Wow.  I've been so busy since this last August.  Here I am, all finished with the first rank of nursing courses and starting on my first of the second rank courses.  In about one year, God willing, I will be qualified to take my state board exam.  After which, I can legally put "RN" after my name.  =)

I KNOW I would not have gotten this far without a whole lot of help from my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  I've gotten by for the past 10ish months on hard work, faith, hope, and a whole lot of prayers.  It has been so much hard work and a whole lot of stress.  I know I haven't done this all under my own power.  There were days I seriously felt depressed or unmotivated, but I'd manage to find just enough will power to make it through.  I know I've been helped enormously. 

*Wanders off singing, "Count your blessings, count them one by one.  Count your many blessings and see what God hath done!"*

Tags: School Faith Hope Help

I peeked out of my "box" today.  It was my first day of my clinical rotation.  I had nearly had myself a full scale panic attack at 5am, complete with crying, when I could not find my blood pressure cuff.  I suspect it was stolen.  It is kind of hard to take a patient's vital signs when you are missing one of your tools. 

Annnnyway, I got my other supplies and into my uniform and headed out into the still black night.  I got to the nursing home and sat in on my first nurses' report meeting.  I met my CNA (nurse's assistant) I was to shadow for the shift and we went to get our people ready for the day.  First year students shadow a CNA for their first couple of shifts because it is our first time in this sort of facility for the majority of the class.  They don't want us to do anything that could potentially endanger the patients.  I can understand that.  We don't handle any medicine administration until the 2nd year. 

5 of the 6 people I helped take care of today were the nicest folks I've met in a long, long time.  The last one was sadly feeling too ill to be very sociable.    All in all, aside from not being able to sit down even once (not counting the bathroom), it was a good shift.  I learned alot and I'm not feeling as crappy. 

I still gotta replace my blood pressure cuff before my next shift, tho.    I hope the rotten person who stole it gets a karma-tic kick in the butt.  Being a struggling college student, that isn't a cheap piece of equipment to replace!!  And yes, I'm angry over my panic attack. 

I've slacked off on my prayer, scripture reading and even church going and I see that it has had a negative effect on me.  I'm feeling somewhat depressed.  I've been under alot of stress since the semester began.  I don't like how I've shifted to old habits and I don't like parts of the person I've become. 

Sometimes, I feel like I just wanna dig a hole, put a box in it, cram myself into said box and just bury myself.  But then I realize, I have homework due the following Monday and I'm pretty sure that my instructors and my mentor at the hospital would not accept "I feel like poo, I'm going to hide in a box today" as a valid excuse for missing my clinical rotation. 

Other times, I just want to wake up one day, go somewhere else and start all over.  But I know I can't do that.  I've worked too hard and have achieved so much since I was correctly diagnosed several years ago.  I don't want to throw all of my effort away without something useful to show for it.  I've worked too hard at trying to make a new life out of the broken pieces of my old one. 

I'm ever so much angrier than usual and I don't really have a clear idea as to why.  Sometimes, when I try to pray, I feel as if my words fail me.  I just hope Heavenly Father can see what's in my heart, because my mouth is having such a hard time it putting into words. 

I'm sorry for clogging up the blog list.  I really should have posted something more uplifting, but right now my tank of "uplifting" is empty.  I need somewhere to let this feeling out before it eats me alive.  This seemed like the safest place to do so.  I'm praying that I make it through this episode and this semester in one piece.  The next year and a half have so much riding on it for me that it isn't event funny. 

I was reading the New Testament today, when something finally sunk into my mind.  Every single, solitary person who has or ever will exist, has been bought and paid for by the Savior via the Atonement.  If we but repent and obey His commandments, we will be set free from our bondage to sin.  

That's a pretty deep realization for a person like me.  It is also very humbling.  The most perfect person to have lived on this world loved every single one of us so much, so much that He offered Himself as a sacrifice to save us.  These days, I can't read or hear about Gethsemane and the Crusifiction without my eyes tearing up.  I can't stay angry anymore.  I've realized that the target(s)/cause(s) of my anger are covered just as much by the Atonement as I am.  They are a treasured son/daughter of God, just like I was taught I am.  If He loves them so much, surely I can find something about the person/people to like. 

Now I'm starting to see why people start to cry while giving their testimony during Fast and Testimony meeting. 

Tags: Jesus Christ Atonement

I just got done watching several testimonies of the apostles on YouTube.  The whole time, I felt what can only be described as a sunflower striving to follow the sun.  It was a very peaceful feeling.  There were points during someone of those testimones that I recalled something similar happening to me.  I feel even more at peace with this gospel. 

Tags: Testimonies Apostles

Ever have one of those days (or weeks, or months... or years) where you just felt so angry at every person you saw for no good reason? You keep focusing on how badly you've been hurt and you just want to keep everyone out and away so you don't get hurt again. But the worst thing is, it hurts even more because you are ALONE. Well, I've slipped back into that cycle and I really hate it. I've been struggling with it for most of my life and it hurts alot.

Desprate for something to take my mind off that cycle and to prevent making myself feel worse, I cracked open my Bible to the New Testiment. I opened it up just for a distraction. I came out feeling spiritually fed. I have to preface this with that I don't read the Bible as often as I probably should. (I have yet to get past Exodus when setting out to read the Old Testiment. I've only fared slightly better with the New Testament. I find the OT very intimidating, confusing and more difficult to read than the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants. I also feel pretty dumb when I keep having to looking up so many words in the Bible because I don't know what they mean. I guess it is partially wounded pride, because my reading comprehension in modern English is pretty high, I consistantly score past the 95th percentile in reading tests.) With that said, I found myself opening to Luke chapter 6.

Several verses felt like they jumped out and pulled the chain on the metaphorical light bulb that floats over my head. I'll just go ahead and quote them here.

"35 But ^alove ye your enemies, and do good, and ^blend, hoping for nothing again; and your ^creward^dchildren of the Highest: for he is kind unto the ^eunthankful and shall be great, and ye shall be the to the evil.

Tags: Scripture Study Bible Luke New Testament

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