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O my Father, thou that dwellest
In the high and glorious place,
When shall I regain thy presence
And again behold thy face?
In thy holy habitation,
Did my spirit once reside?
In my first primeval childhood
Was I nurtured near thy side?

For a wise and glorious purpose
Thou hast placed me here on earth
And withheld the recollection
Of my former friends and birth;
Yet ofttimes a secret something
Whispered, “You’re a stranger here,”
And I felt that I had wandered
From a more exalted sphere.

I had learned to call thee Father,
Thru thy Spirit from on high,
But, until the key of knowledge
Was restored, I knew not why.
In the heav’ns are parents single?
No, the thought makes reason stare!
Truth is reason; truth eternal
Tells me I’ve a mother there.

When I leave this frail existence,
When I lay this mortal by,
Father, Mother, may I meet you
In your royal courts on high?
Then, at length, when I’ve completed
All you sent me forth to do,
With your mutual approbation
Let me come and dwell with you.

since i did any writing in here

wrote last about giving up smoking. well, that didn't work for very long, but i have decided to give it another bash tomorrow. good luck to me. i want it more than ever and know that it's something that's holding me back

i've also decided from this month to start paying tithing. not too sure how i'm gonna be able to afford it, but my private business has been picking up and the last few months i've somehow ended up with a surplus of money at the end of every month, right when it's needed most. i'm gonna put my faith to the test here. just pay the tithing and have faith that i'll be taken care of

been seriously questioning some stuff lately. nothing that's rocking the faith-boat, simply stuff that i don't really understand completely or - in some cases - at all.

such as:

in our pre-mortal existence we each grew and developed at our pace and become unique individuals with hopes and desires which formed personalities. we were taught by our HF and learned about the Plan of Salvation. our big brother, Jesus Christ was there, so were all our friends and so was Lucifer. at this stage, as i understand it, Lucifer was not yet Satan, or the devil, but rather was the son of the morning, the most beautiful of all our HF's children. we already had our free agency and were already able to make decisions which formed us in that pre-mortal sphere. we were surrounded by countless intelligences of many degrees of intelligence and in many forms. these intelligences were at some point organised and we were asked to make some really big choices, the 2 biggest of which were accepting the Saviour and accepting the Priesthood of our HF. ok, so far this is easy enough to understand. simple choice, right? we've been living for quite some time (probably a very, very long time) in the presence of our HF and He informs us of this plan that He has and asks "So, my dear children, what you all gonna choose?"

this is the confusing bit... we have not yet passed beyond the veil, we have not yet received these weak and corruptible vessels of flesh and blood, Satan does not yet exist to tempt us, yet some of us choose to accept the Saviour and the Priesthood and then there's a bunch of us who can accept only the Saviour, but reject the Priesthood, there are those among us who really struggle to make our choice and yet another bunch of us choose to be cast out of heaven, how the heck does that work?

yeah, yeah, i know we have the agency and all... but why in heaven's name would anybody choose not to follow HF's plan for us?

i asked this question in Sunday School today but couldn't get a good answer out of anyone. our teacher was the first Stake President of the first Stake which was organised in South Africa many years ago when i was still a child. he's been around for a while. he mostly grinned at me during the ensuing discussion which erupted (that's what happend when members don't know the answer to questions). he came and sat by me after the lesson and we spoke for some time. he saw the funny side i think, yet obviously sympathised with my dilemna. he suggested doing a lot of research and reading and praying. not an easy question to answer, that some questions have answers and others are not ever gonna be answered in this lifetime.

sometimes i think perhaps i'm simply imagining things, but my entire life i have always felt a peculiarly strong connection to my HF. even during the many years i strayed from the church i (almost) always knew that He was real and that He had something different planned for me, that i had some higher purpose here on this earth. not just any higher purpose, either; that i was destined for something very important. also my whole life i have always felt very strong promptings from the Holy Ghost. most often, when i have questions about the gospel, or life in general, i receive very clear answers very quickly, often almost immediately. at least it seems this way (this is another little something i've been wondering about lately: is this all in my mind??? but that's for another discussion i guess)

quite recently i have had 2 separate "personal revelations" - for i cannot think what else they could be.

the first. my wife is investigating the church and during a recent discussion with the elders - i honestly do not even recall exactly what was being discussed - i received a very powerful impression, like a memory being awakened. i remembered very, very clearly that my spirit can remember being with my Saviour up close and in person and that i knew Him and that He knew me, that we were companions in the pre-mortal existence and communicated with one another as i communicate with my friends here on earth.

the second. reading through some scriptures in Alma, i once again "remembered" that i have an important duty to perform here on earth. it was very clear to me. if i "return to the fold", then the Lord will have some very important work for me to do. haven't figured out the details on that one yet, though, hahaha

Brendan

ok, it's time to do something that i've been putting off for a very, very long time

 

it's time for me to quite smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee!!!! 

i (really stupidly) started smoking at the age of 16 after an argument with my mother about smoking. i wasn't smoking, but she was convinced that i was.  so in anger and out of utter defiance i went out that day and bought a pack of cigarettes and started smoking them. i never realised that it wouldn't end for another 18 years. as for the the coffee, well it just kinda happened along the way sometime. 

 

i've turned my back on all of my other chemical vices. you remember that guy in the NT who was possessed by "Legion" who was many? well, my chemical addiction was something like that…

 

anyway. tomorrow afternoon i shall be smoking my last cigarette. wish me strength…

Tags: Smoking Word Of Wisdom Tobacco

having been actively blogging in several other locations over the last few years, it shall be an interesting exercise in restraint and the practising of spiritual principles for me to write something family-rated for a change.

change begins from within. it is difficult for me - especially when worked up - to refrain from profanity and vulgarity and it has been bugging me for some time now. although i know that i do not need to be that way. it's a choice i make.

having quite recently (less than 1 week ago) finally plucked up the courage to return to church, i am overwhelmed by the reception i received from some family i found there. i pretty much sneaked in and out, but saw my sister-in-law and sat with her for the Sacrament meeting, before leaving. we spoke for some time after the service before i left to return home. she says my older brother, her husband, will be incredibly excited to have me back at church after so many years; it has been almost exactly 16 years since i became inactive. my brother has just recently been appointed to some Stake position which has him travelling around to various Wards in the Stake area. i'm not entirely certain what position it is.

i am quite excited to be in touch with my estranged family again. my brother also spent several difficult years battling alcoholism and nicotine. he has found his way back into the fold and i hope that we can heal old wounds and close the distance between us because i believe that he could be a great source of strength for me as well as a great sounding wall for questions i may have.

i have been sad for many years. my heart has been broken and my clothing has been stained by my own blood where the jagged edges of my broken heart have pierced the flesh between my ribs, protruding outward, where they are jarred and bruised by the world about me.

i admit the world makes no sense to me. i cannot get my head around it. but what i have come to believe is that i do not need to understand the world around me for me to begin to accept my life, to accept myself. this is quite a new revelation. understanding the world would not make it any less overwhelming.

what i have also come to believe is that there can be only one solution to my pain, my exquisite tenderness. this solution has never been further away than around a foot-and-a-half. that's the distance from my knees to the floor. even so, i am still struggling with handing my will and my life over to my Heavenly Father. i am struggling to implement and maintain a daily spiritual program. He reminds me most days to pray and to ask for guidance and to be forgiving and patient and kind and charitable and loving and gentle, and some days i actually listen. those days are often really great days.

i ask really nicely sometimes, to just please help me. please, please, please, please, please. help me to change. help me to stay clean and sober. help me to love my children and their mother. help me to face each day's challenges with courage and integrity. help me to be grateful. help me to be selfless. help me to not be ashamed of who and what i am. help me to become the child of God that I was always meant to be. help me to find my purpose in this life. help me to find my way home.

i believe that i have made a really good decision in returning to church. i know that my path of recovery will lead nowhere without my Heavenly Father and His son in my life. without the guidance of the Holy Ghost, how can i ever truly make any significant progress?

there is one verse which has been stuck in my head for some time now and another which is equally significant:

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

"For what shall it profit a man if he should gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

i attended the fast & testimony meeting yesterday. this time my brother was there. my brother has been through a similar experience to mine, perhaps not as extreme, but i know that he struggled for years to sort out some spiritual problems which had bugged him.

i had the humbling experience of listening to him bear his testimony directly to me. he spoke of how his heart was filled with joy, that after so many years i have finally returned. he told me, with tears in his eyes, how much he loved me and how much he missed me. he continued to bear a powerful testimony to me about the truthfulness of this Gospel. he told me that it would be very difficult for me, but that he would be standing beside me the whole way.

in my heart i was reminded of what i knew to be true when i was younger, before the temptations of the world becam appealing to me and i strayed from everything that i knew to be true. i have never truly doubted the teachings or precepts of the Gospel of Christ. for many years i guess i simply chose NOT to follow.

i don't think i truly realised, until yesterday, how much i have missed my family.

last week, my sister-in-law enquired about my girlfriend/fiance�. she wanted to know if she ahd expressed any interest in exploring the church together with me. i told her that there was no real interest and was assured that if i am faithful and attend church each week, she would eventually become curious.

well, as i have already said, until last week she had expressed no interest. yesterday, upon my return from the Sacrament metting, she asked if i would mind if she came along next week. she wanted to know what the "sermon" was about, do we have "communion", is the service "old-fashioned" or is it like one of these "happy-clappy kinda churches", cos she really doesn't enjoy tha kinda service, etc.

haha.

do you believe in miracles?