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I haven't blogged in a while, since my daughter started coming here.  I didn't want to be worrying her with my issues.  But she's not online at home, and isn't hanging around any longer... so I once again feel that this is a safe place to spill my guts.

So... I went to Arizona in Oct-Nov.  Came back November 7th.  When I came back, I was weighing 149, and felt more energetic than a long long time.  When I first went, I was seeing stars all the time because of my anemia.  But getting in the sunlight there somehow helped.  I don't know what vitamin D does for you exactly, but within a few days of arriving, I quit seeing stars and my health just got better and better.  Mind you, I didn't take any blood tests to prove what was going on inside, but the evidence was in how I was feeling.  I went to Mexico three times, the third time I didn't take my wheelchair, and was able to walk everywhere I needed to go.  It was amazing.

So I come back to WA and decide to go back to work.  First, we were dying financially.  My costs for prescriptions was almost all of my husband's income. We needed my income.  We lived 5 months on just his income, and each month got a little further behind and it was to the point where I couldn't afford my medicine.  No insurance.  Plus the people at SS had told me that I must work and earn $1100 in 2009 in order to qualify for my disability.  So I worked through December and my body just fell apart.  I have proved my doctor right....he said that my job was to take care of myself and that I shouldn't be working.  Well, I have put on 30 pounds since coming home from  Arizona.  It's all water... my kidneys are failing.  My creatinine level is up to a 3.  My doctor said next time I come in, we're going to discuss getting a fistula...a site where the dialysis will go in.  Evidently it takes a few months of prep time before dialysis can start.  I've been looking online at dialysis types and they all bum me out.  One calls for a bag to be inserted in your stomach and every 6 hours you have to drain it and refill it. I have a stinking hard time being structured with anything. So this six hour schedule doesn't sound so good.  But the other dialysis you have to go to an office and have the dialysis 3 times a week.  Travel is next to impossible, cuz you can't get away from the dialysis center.

I'm back to being scared of dying again... oh, I hate that!  I hate that my house is a mess, because I have no energy to clean.  Just walking up my stairs in the morning is a task.  I'm having a hard time breathing because of the excess liquid.

I turned my heaters way up... gonna cook everyone else.  But my hope is that if I am really warm, I'll crave raw foods.  Raw foods always improve my health.  I have eaten mostly cooked foods lately.  The snow and the dreary cold rain does not imspire me to cold foods.

Today I had a mixed breakfast.... a couple of eggs with enchilada sauce on them, no added sodium.... and a glass of blended veggies with nettle leaves blended in. Nettle is supposed to be a good diuretic.

I have been fighting off going to the hospital.... drinking lots of cayenne and taking ion drops.  I think next time I have the severe can't breathe at night problem, I just go to the ER and let them give me some IV lacex.  The IV stuff works better.  I gotta get rid of this water!

I have a lovely family, a great husband.  I have so much to live for, and I am very scared that I won't live to see my grandbabies get old. How does one conquer fear?

I somehow need to learn to pray and turn this over to God, and belief that I am safe with whatever He chooses.  So hard to do!

I feel kinda like the girl in the play "Our Town."  She thought her life was so boring, so ordinary.  It wasn't until she lost it that she understood how precious it was.  I used to be able to run, to jump, to dance.  I would get up in the morning and stretch, feeling invigorated.  Today I get up and grab something to keep from falling down. Running, jumpng, dancing...memories from the past.  I took it all for granted, thought it was just ordinary and nothing special.  Today I know how priceless it was.  What a miracle the human body is, the things it can do.  I want them back. I want to run and not be weary, to walk and not faint.  I want to bound up and down my stairs, to breathe in and feel my lungs nourishing my body. I want to hear normally out of both ears.... which I can't right now... and I all the itching from the kidney failure to go away. I want to joyfully throw myself into the wedding plans for my youngest daughter, without the total financial crisis my health has caused, and with energy and ethusiasm, which I find it hard to feel.  I feel like I am robbing her by not being able to do more.

In other words, I want an ordinary day, the kind I used to take for granted.  Only let's be truthful.... I don't want an ordinary day, I want lots of ordinary days. LOL.

Favorite quote by Benjamin Franklin:  Doth thou love life?  Then do not squander time, for such is the stuff life is made of."

Can't get it back.  So many minutes and hours and days unappreciated.  I would love to have them now.

Sister of Jared

Okay, the survey, just for kicks:

 

Pick a word that begin​s with the first​ lette​r of your first​ name?​
Kite
Have you ever been in handc​uffs?​​
yes. twice.... once when I had an unpaid traffic ticket, and once when I participated in the muscular dystrophy jailaton.  I raised enough money to send a kid's ear to camp.

Have you ever caugh​t anyth​ing on fire?​​
of course. Hasn't everyone?

Are you bipol​ar?​​
No

How long is your hair when it's wet?
fairly short


What was the last thing​ you took a bite of?
orange flesh melon


What are you weari​ng on your feet?​​
shoes

How many times​ do you talk on the phone​ a day on avera​ge?​​
15-20

Do you usual​ly have weird​ dream​s?​​
not usually but sometimes.

Do you like your bed?
sure.

Do you log on to MySpa​ce every​ day?
once a week is more like it.... just to read my son's blog.

Is your profi​le priva​te?​​ Why/​​why not?
no.  I have nothing to hide, besides I like getting to know people. I've made some great friends on the internet.

Do you drink​ pop?
never.  The stuff will kill ya, it's highly acidifying.

What are you liste​ning to?
Mostly silence, but my hubby just coughed in the bedroom.  Think I'll join him soon.

Have you ever been to NYC?
no.  Been close, but didn't make it there.

What are you think​ing about​ right​ now?
This silly survey. LOL.

What color​ is your keybo​ard?​​
Silver with black keys 

Have you ever been on an airpl​ane?​​
quite a few times.

Whats​ your stand​ on hunti​ng?​​
It's fine as long as the meat isn't wasted.  In case of need, it's good.

Marri​age in your futur​e?​
Well, THIS marriage is in my future.... after 36 years, I'm hoping for a much longer run.

Are you weari​ng socks​?​
not now.

Do you like your life?​
over all, yes.

Do you have trust ​issue​s?​
with men in general.  But I do trust some of them.

Do you belie​ve in love at first​ sight​?​
Lust at first sight is more likely.

In the past 72 hours​ have you been under​ the influ​ence?​
well, not of alcohol or drugs. TV... yes. LOL. 

How has this past week been for you?
it's been good.

Who was the last perso​n you texte​d?​
my daughter,sealed2myBFFforever.

First​ perso​n under​ 'J' on your cell phone​?​
Jan
Any fun plans​ for today​?​
sleep, then get up and do lots of paperwork. eat raw food.

Who are you disap​point​ed in right​ now?
all the democrats and republicans in the usa.

Have you ever broke​n someo​ne'​s heart​?​
Lets hope so.  It would be sad if I hadn't . LOL.

Would​ you ever date a frien​d'​s ex?
no

Are you the type that would​ rathe​r stay at other​ peopl​es house​s or have them at yours​?​ depends on who they are. stay at  mine usually but if it's a snobby person, then I'd rather stay at theirs. LOL.

Do tatto​os and pierc​ings excit​e you? I think they're disgusting.

Have you ever kisse​d someo​ne and never​ saw them again​?​
Maybe if I was kissing them goodbye! LOL.  Like my grandma before she died..... but I don't think that's what you hand in mind.  So.... no.

Do you know anyon​e whose​ name start​s with a Z?
yes. Zach.

Is there​ a reaso​n for your MySpa​ce song?​
Don't have a MySpace song.


I'll bet you'​re missi​ng someo​ne right​ now.

sure.  The world is too big not to!

When was your last encou​nter with the polic​e?​
Today they knocked on the door and said they had a report of a woman down on the property.(I live in an apartment attached to a storage facility.) It was a prank call.

Do you ever dance​ even if there​'​s no music​ playi​ng?​
Sure. I sing.

I had intended to use the title Day by Day/Finding Faith for the Journey for all my blogs about my on-going health issues.

 

But I just came from the doctor and feel greatly to rejoice.  Because his office had called Thursday and said for me to come in right away to go over the test results I expected something bad.  I went in today chewing on my fingernails.... metaphorically, since I don't really chew my nails. lol.

 

So I get in there and he starts with the resuts, he's very concerned.

 

Triglycerides are 4X normal.  I knew that already, and had just started taking some supplements to help with it.

 

Cholesterol is 2X as high as it should be.  I knew that already, and had just started taking some supplements to help with it.

 

Liver enzymes are 435.  Should be about 75.  I was estatic.  He was puzzled that I was so excited about that.  Until I pointed out my previous test.... they had been 729 and rising!  So evidently they are headed down again, and that means no cirroses, no liver failure! WOOHOO!  I told him about some supplements that I have on order which should come any day now, and that I prefered to treat with nutrients and not chemicals.... and he was totally supportive of that! SO COOL!

 

In fact, he recommended that I start using fish oil... I told himI am, then he said at least 4 grms a day, which is the exact dose I am on!  Except I confessed that I frequently forget to take it 1 or two times a day.... we agreed that I need to be consistent with 4 X a day and I will recheck the liver enzymes in 2 weeks to make sure they are still going down.

 

I feel so wonderfully incredibly blessed to have the good results.  I feel really blessed that he is willing to work with the nutrients and just keep checking to make sure things are going well. He didn't roll his eyes or ignore of pooh-pooh the nutrients the way many doctors do.  I thought it was cool.

 

And now I can make my reservation to go to AZ to visit my family there!  Woohoo!

 

Again:  Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow.  He is a God of majesty, of goodness and mercy.  Every thing I have is a gift from Him, and He has richly blessed me.  I have so much that brings joy, and all of it a gift I could not possibly be deserving of.  I have heard it said that those people who have the gospel of Jesus Christ in this life were those who were valiant in the cause of Christ in the war in heaven.  I so hope that is true.  I can think of nothing I have done in this life to deserve all the goodness I have been given.  I am amazed at His love, and deeply grateful.

 

Sorrow looks down, Fear looks around, Faith looks up.  And one more I just thought of.... Regret looks back.  So look up, Kathy!

Tags: Gratitude Thankful Blessings

Well, it's 5 a.m. and I'm having one of these "I can't breathe" Congestive Heart Failure episodes.  I have a cup of cayenne tea at my elbow, ready to drink it down well it cools a little.  It's just a tiny bit too hot.  I also have a big glass of cold water as a chaser.  I do not like taking cayenne.  But it has kept me out of the hospital a few times, and I think this will be one of them.  I can breathe sitting up, but I cannot breathe when laying down.  Typical CHF. But I can feel the effort on my poor heart.  Think I'll put some of the hawthorne berry in the cayenne.  I have a book that says that is the best combo.  Hawthorne Berry is a powerful herb for CHF, and cayenne serves to speed up the delivery.  Cayenne enhances about every herb.  Too bad it's so dang hot.

My living room looks like a convelescent home. My daughter bought a walker to help a friend from church practice walking.  That's in the living room.  Then I have a loaner walker that was brought to me when my collapsible wheelchair was stolen. It's a fancy wheeled walker with a seat.  Then Friday Virgil came over and brought another collapsible wheelerchair.  I was sleeping and woke up to find a wheelchair there, bless Virgil!  Then yesterday one of the "missing" tenants here reappeared and offered me a fancy dancy electric wheel chair for only $300.  It's a $5000 wheel chair, belonged to his stepfather when he died.  He put it in the storage shed 4 months ago.  He has gotten rid of everything but it, and inherited a large amount of money from the estate.  He says he'll never have to work again.  So at this point, he wasn't concerned about getting a lot of money for the wheelchair, he just wanted to get it off his hands and close out the storage shed.  I was happy to help.  He even is taking payments!  Cuz I didn't have $300 today.  With the decrease in income since I got sick, even the payments are too much! LOL.  But it is a good buy and I am happy to have it.  I can go to the museum or the zoo in style!

Okay cayenne is ready.  Bottoms up!

Breathing flames now.  Cold water chaser doesn't help much. But this experience once again makes me believe in dragons.  Undoubtedly they were large lizards that ate wild cayenne. Then crawled around breathing... out comes the flame. Whew!  But I know from past experence that my veins will dilate from the cayenne, my heart will pump better from the hawthorne berry, and in half an hour I will be able to breathe and sleep.

Tomorrow I am going to go back to counting my sodium again.  I've been bad the past few days. Sodium smodium.... so you have any idea how bad food tastes without salt?  Can't even use the substitutes cuz I have to count potassium, too! If I'm doing it right, I have to count sodium, potassium, phosphorus, protein, carbohydrate, and calories. Sometimes it's like my only option is ice chips.  Eat all the ice chips I want! Too bad that makes me cold! LOL. 

I'm whining, I know.  Actually the past couple of days have gone well.  I ate 100% raw Thursday, and it totally increased my energy and ability to walk on Friday and Saturday.  Why is it so hard when I can feel the difference so much???? When I eat cooked foods, I get tired.  I was too the point the past few weeks when it left me shaking and miserable just to walk 20 feet to the bathroom.  I was sleeping most of the time.  Pumped up the raw, cut out the cooked foods.... back comes the energy, increased ability to walk.  Since I know so well the healing power of eating a raw vegan diet, why is it that I don't always stick to it?  I'm am acting plain old stupid!  I wonder why food is such an addictive thing... it's harder than drugs to break.... because you can't totally get off of all food,  always have to eat.  I think it would be easier if I never had to eat again.

Anyway, I was saying...lol, before I turned it into a whine, that I have felt well the past 2 days.  I have enjoyed the increase in energy.

I am wanting time to go fast today.  Tomorrow (Monday) I get to go to the doctor and find out what is going on with my liver.  I never wrote about it, but the doctor had some ultrasounds done on my abdomen, come to find out my liver is inflammed.  Doesn't know why or what stage yet... could be caused by drugs I'm taking or my diabetes.  The drugs would be the best answer, cuz we could change my prescriptions. Took a blood test on Wednesday to try and find out why, Thursday I got a message on my voicemail that said for me to come back in at the earliest available appointment.  I called and they said his (Physician's assistant's) first available appointment was October 30! I made the appointment but kinda doubted that Oct 30 was what he had in mind when he said "first available appointment."  So I called back on Friday, and the lady I talked to then said, "No, he wants you in RIGHT away, can you come in Monday?" She then offered me the choice of three time slots.  So what was the first lady thinking off, when I called her and she told me he wanted me to come back at the first avilable appointment, and she gives me an appointment for October 30????? Strange!  But I am anxious for the appointment time to be here... I want answers and I hope they are good ones.  No liver failure, please! I have enough failing organs.

Hemidoka asks me if it had occured to me that perhaps it is just my time to die. Yes!  This has occured to me.  It has occured way too much. For about 12 years I have had the thought that I was going to die when I was 56.  Until the past couple of years, my health didn't seem severe enough to warrant such thoughts, but still the idea came to me years before.  Here's the deal, I wonder if I just dreamed it up and am subconciously making it true?  Is it a warning from God?  Whatever it is, it HAS definately occured to me...... and I am resistant to that thought!  56 is way too young! I have so much more I want to do here.

Perhaps I'm being stupid.  I do believe that I would be safe and happy with those who have gone before me, on the other side. But I cling tightly to those here. I feel like pushing the deceased family away.... rejecting them in favor of my husband, my children, my lovely grandchildren.  The only person I feel tenderly about seeing on the other side is my daughter RoyAnne, who died at birth.  Of course, I am eager to see RoyAnne.  But she understands, time is nothing to her.  The day will come soon enough.  Oh, I want to see my great great grandfather, Edson Whipple.  The first member of my family to join the church. I love him now, and I know I will love him when we meet.  So I don't feel like rebelliously pushing him away.  Still, those I love here have a much greater pull on my heartstrings, and I want to stay with them.

One of my daughters here had a priesthood blessing once where she was told that the day would come when she would be in the Celestial Room with all the members of her family.... meaning especially her father.  (She got the blessing when she was concerned about him being rebaptised.) I look forward to that day.... but if it's gonna happen, my husband needs to be rebaptized.  He's now been excommunicated for 9 years. NINE!  He makes no effort to be rebaptized.  He goes to his meeting, lives the commandments, is happy for us to tithe his income.... but nothing happens towards getting rebaptized. I am frustrated with that.  And I don't want to die without our whole family being sealed again! I am hoping this blessing my daughter was given is talking about THIS life, not the next!  I want my eternal family back and it is hard to be patient.

Well, at this point I have of course sat here an bawled.... hey, crying is one way to get rid of excess water, right? LOL.  Good for CHF!  Maybe good for emotional healing, but I doubt it.  Because it's just fear, not healing.

I read something on a church billboard here in town.  It said "Sorrow looks down, fear looks around, faith looks up."  I like it.  I need to look up more.  Be like Hemidoka, having faith that whatever the Lord has in store, it is well.  I think I'll use that as my new signature line... I haven't had a signature line for a while... in fact, last time I quit using one, my oldest daughter took it over. LOL.  I wonder if she'll nab this one, too? LOL.  It's a god one.

I can use it to remind myself.... Look up!  I am so very very grateful to my HF for the tremendous blessings he has given me.  I should concentrate on that gratitude more than the fear... look up, Kathy!  I do have a testimony of the gospel, and the sweetness of my blessings is overwhelming.  I wonder what I could have done in the pre-existence to be deserving of the tremendous blessings I have.  Most of the people we knew that got married the same time as us are now divorced.  We still love each other after almost 36 years of marriage!  That relationship is the most secure, wonderful relationship in my life.  I have incredible children and grandchildren and a rock solid relationship with each of them.  Love them all.  Certainly I want different lives for some of them.... yet the love is strong in the family.  I feel my savior's love in the plan of salvation. It is a great thing to be a member of the church, to know the Lord's plan for us, to have the Priesthood here and available to me.  It's mindblowing to think how many souls have been on this earth and NOT had those blessings.  Not had enough food, not had warm shelter, not been safe from the elements.  How many people have been killed in political strife, died by the wayside for want of basic sustinence.  I am hugely blessed.  I feel it continually.  Seeing such great blessings, I should feel no fear, I am in good hands, loving hands.

Look up, Kathy.  Don't look down, don't look around.  Just look up.

Tags: Faith

This and that: Today is a good day.  I am so excited that Heather cleared up the problem with my being able to use this site.... I feel happy and upbeat, in my elation about that, I just can't find a place in me for fear today.  I feel great!

Got the test results from my kidney dr.  The problem is my liver.  Have to find another doctor to follow up and discover what to do.  Kidney doctor thinks it's caused by the diabetes.  Surprise, surprise.  My diabetes has destroyed my body.

But I refuse to focus on anything negative today... today is a day for feeling good!  Plus, the hospital just called... they have an income based program that will give me a decrease-- any where from 10% to 100%-- on my bill there, and say most of the providers connected to their facility will honor that and give the same decrease.  They're sending me an application.  woohoo!

I have a drawer full of medical bills that I don't even open anymore. Too overwhelming.  So it would be cool indeed to have the bills reduced!  And maybe by a large percentage.

Some idiot stole my wheelchair!  My husband left it on the porch... we were going to go to a museum today, since it's his day off.  But it's gone, and my legs can't handle the museum, so instead we'll stay home and veg.  In fact, the bum is already asleep on the couch! LOL.  At least we'll spend time relaxing together.  I can play online for a while, then when he wakes up we can play games.  Sounds like a nice mellow day anyway.  I love to be with him.

Our daughter who lives with us is going out of town for the weekend.  We are grateful she lives with us... she is here to help take care of me, and has taken over running the office since my doctor made me quit work.  She is the only one of my kids who understand exactly how sick I am.  It terrifies her. She is 32 years old, and we get along great.  But my husband and I  seldom have time alone, so we are really looking forward to her being gone over the weekend. We will putter around the house, watch TV while cuddling on the couch, go to church, and just hang out together.  It should prove to be a good weekend.

I am going to do something today.... I haven't made up my mind what... but I'm going to do something today to start my journey towards having increased faith and peace.  I think I'll set up a new scripture reading schedule at readthescriptures.com, and set up a spreadsheet that will work as a daily log to help me get a routine of all the medical stuff and personal growth stuff... all my good intentions don't take me very far.  I intend to take all the medicines and count all the mgs of potassium, and phosphorus and sodium and all that special diet stuff, I intend on tracking the blood sugars and blood pressure... I intend on reading my BoM everyday, and praying bothing morning and night (at least) and I intend on lots of stuff.... but it seems I always forget part of it.... so if I spread sheet it and then use it as a sort of journal/check list, maybe it will help me get it done each day.  In fact, I want to do the rebounding every day as well.  Since my legs won't handle standing up, I have discovered that I can sit on the rebounder and bounce up and down on my bum, and that gives the same "cellusizing" effect. Obviously it isn't the same quality of exercise as regular rebounding, but it's what my body will do, and will be an improvement. I'll take any improvements!

My spreadsheet should include: morning weight... inportant with Congestive Heart Failure... blood pressure, blood sugar, medications taken, dietary counts... how much protein, sodium, potassium, phosphorus, carbohydrates and calories at each meal, rebounding, prayer, scripture study, time spent on book I'm writing, and journeling. And I think an area for personal relationshipship stuff... something like remembering to make at least one phone call a day to a friend or family member... I speak to some of my kids daily, the boys less because they're not talkers the same as the girls, but there are other people I care about that I let it go too long between talks... I need to put a little more effort into some of them.  Like calling Victoria, my granddaugther in Arizona. She is 10 and very lovely, and we talk every month or so... but it should be more frequent.  There are probably more. 

Steve (my friend and former employee when I was running the office) just called.  He is bringing a wheelchair over for me to use.  So I guess we get to go to the museum this afternoon after all!  Yahoo!

Guess I should go get ready!  The day is going to be a great one!  I hardly ever get out, and just for fun! 

 

 

Okay, I have been looking for a place to talk... and I don't know that it even matters if anyone listens.  I just need to talk and can't talk to my family, because this is a burden that I just can't lay on them.

I am scared.  Really scared.  The past few months have been rough ones.  History:  I have had diabetes for 25 years.  It is poorly controlled, partly because I am allergic to insulin, and partly because I  have little structure in me, and diabetes is a disease that requires great structure.  Because it is poorly controlled, it has ravaged my body.  In addition to the diabetes, I have fibromyalgia, carpel tunnel, chronic fatique, celiac disease, and shingles.  Those I have had for years and learned to live with.  The tend to go in cycles, flare ups, then calm down... and I have learned to live with the inconveniences.

In may I ended up in the ER because I could not breathe.  Three days later I was discharged with the diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure.  I was put on medicine for high blood pressure and discharged with a book of instructions that told me to rest, rest, rest.  I mean REALLY rest.  Brush your teeth, rest.  Get dressed, rest.  Eat breakfast, rest.  Not just rest after exertion, but REST after every stinking little thing.  I researched Congestive Heart Failure and read repeatedly the following statistics: 20% of people with CHF die within the first year, 50% die within 5 years, another 10% live up to 8 years, and the remaining 20% live as long as 10 years.  I just turned 55.

After being discharged from the hospital, I was again hospitalized 9 days later.  This time the diagnosis was Kidney Failure.  At the time my kidneys were only able to work at 15% capacity.  I have been able to get a small amount of the function back... they now work at 25% capacity.  A kidney specialist treated me in the hospital and he has followed up with me at his office.  He continually urges me to get a cardiac doctor... and I have no medical insurance.  So far the only doctr I am seeing is my kidney doctor.  I am terrified by the things I feel in my body... I do not feel well at all... but I don't know how to get a doctor without money.

Money has become a crisis point.  My kidney doctor made me quit work, because the things he has me do require all my attention, plus frankly my exhaustion level isn't conducive to working a full time job.  Our income has dropped by 2/3 since I became ill... and my prescriptions are now running about $750 amonth.  Supplements run about $200-250 more.

The hospital told me that Congestive Heart Failure is irreversible and progressive.  I will not get better, only worse. The kidney doctor told me that my kidney failure is chronic and will not get better, but only worse.  He assures me that I will be on dialysis anytime from 3 months to 3 years from now.  This is not a bright picture, but actually the CHF is the worst of the lot.

Now I am waiting on more news.... recent blood tests shows my liver enzymes to be about 10 times normal.  The three main reasons for such high enzymes are gall bladder, liver failure or bone cancer.  Recent ultra sounds of organs in my abdomen have been done hoping to discover what is going on.  But I feel like I am stomping out fires, trying desperately to solve one problem after another.

And here is the scary part:  About 10 years ago, it came to me suddenly that I am going to die when I am 56 years old.  At the time, I was surprised at the thought and just wondered where it came from.  But it has lurked in my mind.  I never saw anything that would make it seem real.  I knew that my diabetes would most likely make me die younger than most, because diabetes does that... but I still pictured being older than this.  I pictured watching my children grow up, and cuddling all my grandbabies.

I am 55 years old.  Only half of my children have married, and there are many unborn grandchildren to love.  I want to be here to see them.  I am greatly in love with my husband, and I want to spend many more years by his side.  We have worked together... I want retirement with him.

I don't know what to think.  Am I just being an idiot, am I giving up?

The fear can consume my mind.  I hate the fear.

I need to learn to live Day by Day, to enjoy each day, to love my fullest each day, to serve and give my best each day.  I need to learn to draw closer to my Father, to trust that He loves me and is aware of my needs, and to trust that whatever happens will be what is best for me and my family. And it is so hard to do.  To put aside my own desires and just walk in faith.

I am very much afraid that I am going to die.

Sister of Jared