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Okay, so most of you know that I haven't been to church in months. And my testimony was questionable to say the least. But I think that's changing. The last month or two I've been thinking about going back to church. And I actually did last sunday.

It was difficult going without my little girl. There were a few times I nearly started to cry, and once that I actually did... but overall, I think it was a good thing that I went. I think it would be easier in a new ward, where not everyone knew me, but I think it's about time that I went back.

I had some issues with the church when I first left my husband. He was almost fanatical about the church and as such, it really made me think twice. He also told me a lot of his personal beliefs about the gospel which at first, I just believed. Now I have to sort through what is actually true and what was just his opinion. But it seems stupid to me to leave your religion over the way a member of that religion behaves. I want to be better. I want to be happy. I want to help others. And I think that church can help me with that.

So, here it is, nearly quarter to 2 in the morning, and I'm still awake. I've just got a lot of stuff buzzing around my head. I think a lot about the future. It's something I've always done... I like to plan as much as possible.

It's just hard being stuck in the middle. Middle of a custody battle, middle of a divorce, and the probable beginning of a relationship. There are so many variables in my life right now that it's hard to plan anything beyond the next week or two. I find it stressful. I'm the type of person that likes to know what to expect. I like having a plan and sticking to it. But I guess life isn't like that. All I can do right now is try my best to get things worked out and hope for the best.

Though, I do have this feeling like things are starting to look up and everything will be okay. Not exactly sure why yet, but it's comforting.

It's funny how you THINK you feel well until you try to do something. So I went to work this morning, and I realized that I probably shouldn't have. I overestimated how well I felt. I got there and felt all dizzy and stuff. But I stuck with it... I can't really afford to miss much more work. And I think I'm starting to feel better as the day progresses.

Anyway, I'm taking a quick lunch so that I can make up some time that I missed yesterday. I really hope I can make it until 5 *sigh* Here I go!

So, it's been awhile since I've written a blog. The positive part of that is that I've had people to talk to about the things bothering me. The down side is that I miss writing these, and those people I don't talk to often don't know how I'm doing. So here it is.

Over a month ago I mention to a friend that there are jobs here. The economy is doing well because it's based on oil. The next thing I know, he's coming out here to find a job. Well, because things are doing well here, the hotels were expensive and crowded, so I find him staying in a camper in the back yard. And for my own reasons, I don't want to get into a relationship with him, but he really wants to be with me. It makes things awkward. I want to just be friends, but he makes advances and I don't always push him away. I guess I send mixed signals because I like the attention. But I got a wake up call when my sister said that my dad thinks I'm sleeping with him. *groan* Things will have to change there.

Meanwhile, my soon-to-be ex husband is as frustrating as ever. He upsets me on a regular basis. I would really like to just have another custody hearing and be done with it for awhile. I still miss my kids like crazy, and I would like to have one or both of them back with me. I really think it would be best for my girls to be with me.

Aside from that, I've had the flu this week and haven't been to work. I'm going to go in tomorrow, and try to catch up with work, but it should be interesting. I'm just lucky my job is so lenient with it's attendance policy. I tend to get sick frequently. *sigh*

Well, my brother came to visit this weekend. He brought his wife and two girls. It just so happens that each of his girls are about a year younger than mine (Mine are 3 1/2 and just over 1, and his are 2 1/2 and three months). It was good to see him, but it made me really miss my girls. This whole custody situation just sucks.

When I left my husband in January, I took the baby and left our oldest with him. It was so hard to leave my older daughter, but I had the baby (Jazmine) to focus on. So that's what I did, I got a job and focused all my energy and attention on taking care of Jazzy. So when he took that from me, I didn't know what to do with myself. I cried constantly for days. And like tonight, I find myself crying a lot.

I was doing okay for most of the day, until we were sitting at our house. His two year old started dragging out all of Jazzy's toys, which was fine... stirred up some memories, but I was okay. It was when she brought me the book (I love you through and through) that I used to read Jazzy at least once a day that I lost it. I started to cry and had to go to my room and bawl for awhile. It's just so hard. She's the most important person in the world to me. I miss her like crazy. I think we were so close because we were alone. We only had each other... I always wanted to be there for her. And now I can't be. And it makes me really really angry that my lawyer doesn't seem to be doing ANYTHING. If he doesn't call me back by tuesday, I'm asking for the $3000 retainer back that I sent him months ago. And I'll call someone else. This is ridiculous. Anyway. It's just a rough night and I haven't blogged in awhile. So here we are.

Tags: Children

Okay, I've always been a fan of Nintendo. I've had Nintendo systems since I can remember. And they've always worked for me. So about a week ago I bought a Guitar Hero DS. It worked fine for one day and then wouldn't turn on the next day. So I went to their website and it walked me through trouble shooting, which couldn't fix the problem, so they let me print out a shipping label and all costs were covered.

But the speed at which it was repaired and returned to me that REALLY impressed me. I sent it to them via ground UPS last Tuesday, and I got it back, fully functional today. LESS THAN A WEEK, including shipping time! I was really impressed that a huge corporation would have that kind of response time. I think that Nintendo had it less than one full day. Color me impressed. Kudos to Nintendo!

Tags: Nintendo Video Games

So I had a date planned for today.... but Brian stopped talking to me suddenly. I haven't heard from him at all since Monday. I've been texting, leaving offline messages, I called him, and I've gotten no response at all. And I don't understand why. I suppose it's possible that something happened to him. But if he just decided he didn't want to talk to me then I don't get it. Why go to the trouble of setting up a second date if you're just going to flake out. And if something came up I wish he would have just told me about it, so I could make other plans and not sit around wondering if he's still alive. So now I"ve got nothing to do today. *sigh*

So I tried sleeping. Lying in bed in the dark for an hour trying to sleep. I wasn't even close so I decided to get up for a bit. Actually, the real reason I'm online is that I was hoping to catch Brian. He's not online, though I didn't expect him to be. Just hoping I guess.

I have set up another date with him for a week from saturday. I'm really quite excited and really looking forward to it. I think this is the first time I've been out with someone who I've felt might be out of my league. That I"M the lucky one in the relationship (though I don't think you can call it a relationship yet, this will only be our second date). It makes me all nervous, like I'm afraid I'll do or say something stupid. I don't ever remember feeling this way. it's exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. So yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

So my herbalist gave me a serotonin and dopamine compound to take. And i've noticed that I'm generally happier after I take it. Little things don't seem to bother me as much. I think I realized that it's not because I"m a negative person. These chemicals in your brain make a huge difference in your ability to be happy. I think once that gets straightened out, I'll be easier to get along with and not make such a big deal out of nothing. I sometimes over react and don't know why. I used to blame it on stress, but now I think it's more chemical than anything.

I actually feel pretty happy today, though nothing in my situation has changed at all. I found that quite interesting. My hope is that it continues to improve and stays that way.

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