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You know those times when you have it all, and you know it? When everything is perfect, the kids are doing well, their grades are up, they have jobs, you're able to pay your bills, even if you don't have the job you were "supposed" to have, your married to your eternal mate, la la la... Doesn't it just scare the crap out of you? It does me. At least, it does now. Now I know what it's like to have it all, and to lose most of it.
I still have my faith. I keep telling myself that. I still know what's true. I may not be the best member, but at least I do know what's true. Although my life has, albeit momentarily, taken a rough road, I know I'm not alone. I guess that's what's different this time from when I've lost everything in my life before. Because I have lost everything before, including myself. This time, though, I think I'm doing a little bit better. I still believe in the plan of salvation. I still believe in the Church, and I still know that Jesus lived and died for us.
Last night I was really, really sick. Haven't been able to eat or sleep for days, too much pain, on and on... I finally asked my husband for a blessing and, whaddya know, a couple hours later I was sleeping and have been improving since then. Just one more example of what I know to be true. Guess I needed to be reminded of what really matters so that as I start dating again I can be sure to date someone who is worthy of holding the Priesthood because I wasn't really sure that was so important to me up until this morning.
As I'm losing everything, I guess I'm finding what really matters, again. I hope you do too.

I never cry anymore. I'm not really sure why. It's just all too much for me I guess. Too overwhelming. Too sad. Too depressing. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me, why I just keep going on, why things don't change, why I keep thinking they're going to change when I know they're not going to.
I never really laugh anymore either. Just don't find things very humorous. It's sad.
I don't have anything to look forward to. Don't really desire anything. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm alive, like I just exist anymore. It's sad.

I'm still unemployed. 15 months. Amazing. I've come really close to being hired many times, it's been between me and two others on numerous occasions, but I just don't get picked. So why is that? What's wrong with me you might ask. Am I that big of a problem? Heh, no. Actually, I'm a pretty good employee/manager who has a lot to offer with skills in a hot market. So why aren't you employed is the logical question. Well, let me tell you what I finally figured out and why it's OK to be unemployed.
When I was first laid off I told my husband and my Bishop that I was going to be unemployed for a long time. They thought i was choosing it and they both told me that wasn't a good idea, that I needed to get right out there and start looking for a job. I explained that it wasn't my idea to not get a job, it was Heavenly Father's. I had no idea how prophetic that statement was to become.
I began attending networking meetings where I learned about the "me in 30-seconds" which is your elevator statement to give people when they ask what you do. I perfected it. I perfected my resume and now have multiple versions of it that can be edited to match any job I am applying for. I learned about cover letters, how to write them and point out my strengths. I learned about expanding my network of people to find a job, that 90% of the jobs are found through word of mouth. I've gotten a lot of interviews, with some really nice corporations that would be sweet to work with. But it wasn't meant to be.
I've also developed some really good transferable skills which mean they can be transferred to any situation. I can now chit chat much better. I can walk up to strangers and introduce myself with ease. I can speak about myself with confidence. I know how to reach out to others and get them excited about what they're working on. I can see in others what they can't see in themselves.
Last year I was prompted (by a ton of people at different times and places) to start my own business. "But I don't want to" was always my response. So I didn't. I went to the temple and was told the same thing "Start a business, work for yourself" but I didn't want to, so I didn't. By the way, it's not good to ignore spiritual promptings. So for over a year now I've been ignoring the promptings, going against what I knew I needed to do, against what everyone else knew I needed to do. Guess what? It got me nowhere. I lost a whole year.
I did start a business but I haven't really worked on it and don't really like it. Well, it finally occurred to me that I'm acting like spoiled child. He's told me what to do and will help me be successful and make things work for me if I will just follow His guidance. I'm finally at peace. I'm working on my business. It's OK to be unemployed because Heavenly Father has a plan for me and He'll work it out.

Tags: Holy Ghost Promptings Heavenly Father Unemployment

So I've been unemployed for a year now. Well, it's actually been 14 months. Ugh. I can't believe it's been that long. I've interviewed tons of times for jobs that I'm qualified for but there's always something that doesn't feel right and I know it and worse, I know they know it so I never get an offer. I've made it to the top three quite a few times and for some really large companies, so that's made me feel good. Just not the top 1.

I've been to the temple and prayed my guts and heart out about it. I've been told that I was supposed to work from home with my own business so, even though I've never wanted to do this, I started my own company. But my heart's not been in it because, as I said, I've never wanted to do it. I know a lot of people would love the opportunity to do that, especially when the company requires no investment to start up because it's all something that can be done online and you're the only equipment that's needed, but yeah. Very little interest. I was interested when the money came in, that was awesome. Saw some of the biggest paychecks I'd ever received, but I missed being in an office and having people around me. I'm a people person.

Well, when you're not really interested in what you're doing, it's easy to let it slide when there's the slightest opposition to it and when I got sick in July, I let the business slide. So now I'm without clients, without a job, without money, and still have that inspiration that I should stay at home and work for myself. Ugh. What's really annoying is that I keep interviewing for these AWESOME job opportunities! I would love to have some of these and at least one or two of them pay more than I thought I'd ever make when I graduated from college. But, guess that's not what's in it for me. So, yeah. Here I sit wondering how to get my business kick started again and trying to really want it because the Lord keeps wanting me to want it. *sigh* At least I know he loves me and answers my prayers. :) I guess those are two good things I've learned from all this. And I've grown an awful lot.

So yesterday as I attempted to attend church, it didn't turn out so well. I had a hot flash at the beginning of sacrament meeting and almost blacked out. Kevin took me out to the foyer so I could lean on him more and relax where it was much cooler. I felt better but I still had a hard time staying conscious. I coudn't keep my eyes open and was really struggling to stay awake, I mean really struggling. As soon as I took the sacrament he took me home. I laid on the bed and I think I passed out, I was dead to the world for quite a while. The rest of the day I was really tired and exhausted, having to nap quite often.

So this morning I called the hematologist to report the issues and she put me on coumadin. I'm hoping to be all better now, but I don't think so. Because I have the other blood disorder that causes low platelet counts, I'm concerned about the blood getting too thin. I honestly don't understand how I could have two different blood disorders that seem to be the exact opposite of one another. One causes low platelets or thin blood, and another one that causes blood clots and "thick" blood. How does that even make sense?

It doesn't. I guess that's why they don't know how to treat me and I have to wait so long to go see the specialist. Heh, I don't even know how long I have to wait because they haven't made the appointment yet, having waited all weekend seems like an eternity though.

As if having issues between my son and husband were not bad enough, a month ago I developed blood clots in my leg. This is extremely odd for me because I have a blood disorder called ITP which means I have low platelets, which is what thickens your blood and causes blood clots. In other words, I shouldn't clot enough for a blood clot. Keeping that in mind, my regular doctor sent me back to my hematologist, whom I hadn't seen for 2 years because my ITP was in remission, to find out why I got blood clots.

So two weeks ago the hematologist ordered lots of blood tests and today was my follow up visit with her. I really thought she was going to tell me that they didn't know why I had the blood clots, it was probably from being too lazy and sitting too long on a car ride. I wasn't at all worried about the doctor appointment. Imagine my surprise when she told me that I needed to go to the leading specialist in the state because they don't know how to treat my condition.

In addition to having ITP, I also have some other auto immune blood disorder which is somehow related to Lupus, although I don't have Lupus. I have no idea what the name of this new disorder is. She told me that three years ago they were regularly testing me for this disorder and my levels were slightly elevated (which is bad). Now the results have doubled (which is really bad).

In layman's terms what that means is that I am at serious risk for an embolism (something that blocks the blood in my arteries thus resulting in a stroke, heart attack, death). She's making an appointment for me to see the specialist ASAP.

I'm scared.

Tags: ITP Lupus Blood Disorders

I have been having a really hard time with life in general lately and as I was sitting here at 4:30 AM because, once again, I could not sleep, I started thinking about all the things that were wrong in my life. I suddenly remembered who it was that wanted me to do that, and I don't like him (Satan). So I'm choosing to do the opposite because I like Him (God) and what he has given me. Here's my 4:30AM list, crazy as it may be:

a fluffy dog to cuddle with when I'm sad

Geese that run around in circle in their little swimming pools

Chickens that come running up to me when I call them by name, waiting to be picked up and hugged

Awesome boys who love me and support me

The gospel and the knowledge that there is a greater plan in all this mess we call life

Beautiful flowers, even some weeds are pretty!

Green grass, fluffy clouds, pretty yellow dandelions, silly plants that live even when I forget to water them, cars that run even though I don't understand why, Relief Society workers who call at the worst possible time for some reason and end up giving service to me, neighbors who spray my lawn for clover for me, husbands who work through the night to support us, silly goats who cannot be contained in their section of the yard, clean dishes, clean clothes, running water, laptops, HIGH SPEED INTERNET (anyone remember 14.4 modems? yeah, high speed is awesome!), wonderful parents, great brothers and sisters who I never talk to but I know love me, online friends, tithing, church, my testimony, salvation, repentance, baptism, the temples, and Jesus Christ.

Interesting, I suddenly feel much better. I'm even smiling for the first time in days. LOL. I hope you smiled while reading my list, I smiled while typing it.

Tags: Mormon Blessings

I've recently come to have a better understanding of boundaries and respect. When one respects someone else, they respect their boundaries. They follow the other persons wishes about not being contacted or their right to leave doors open. It is when there is a lack of respect that there are big problems.

Boundaries don't seem to exist when disrespect is around. The ability for one person to think for themselves even comes into question because their opinions are not valued since they're not respected.

What a tragedy it is to see us teaching our children that respect is nothing to pay homage to. That they do not need to respect themselves and others. What a tragedy it is when we teach them that through the actions we do as adults.

Tags: Respect Boundaries

Sometimes I feel that it would be nice to be knocking on heaven's door; To be at the end of this mortal life. I mean, think of all the pluses! To have made it to the end of my term here with faith, enduring to the end (woohoo!), to start working on the other side, and to no longer have the fear of dying a painful death. Not to mention all the cool things like talking to all those who have gone before, watching all the rest of you (I wonder if it's like watching TV?), understanding more about all the confusing things we don't quite understand such as polygamy, the veil, what babies know while they can't talk, etc.

Don't get all worried, I'm not saying that I wish my time here would end pramaturely, but I worry that I may not endure to the end if I life to be 80 or something. Seriously, how do those people do it? I think it's awesome, but I've never done anything for longer than a few years so I just wonder if I could stick it out for that long.

Anyway, it's late and I'm rambling... just a thought.

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