So, I discovered something about myself.

I have never liked it when somebody would say, "I need to go find myself".

How did they lose themselves? How do you forget who you are? What kind of silliness is that to say such a statement?

Well, the last laugh is on me.  It always is, so no big shocker there. 

More and more, I find myself wondering who I am.  No, this is not a spiritual matter.  Spiritually I know exactly who I am.

And this is not mid-life crisis...I am only 34.  Yes, I am happily married, I have two wonderful children, a beautiful home, income, and I enjoying the opportunity to receive a higher education right now.

The real question is this...why am I going to college? Who or what do I want to be?

I have always been a chameleon.  Whatever I am doing at the moment is what I want to be...until I get bored and find something else to do, and then that is what I want to be.

Sort of like the callings I have been given in the church.  Whenever I get a new one, I throw myself completely into it.  I do the best jam-up job that I can.  Then, once I feel i have magnified myself and the calling, and once I have hammered out every detail that needed hammering, then I find myself bored.  I want a new challenge.

How can I make a decision in college about what I want to be FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, when I have never been any one thing for a long period of time??????

In my life I have been in management in retail and fast-food, I have been a bank teller, I have been a secretary, a personnel manager, an office assistant (not a secretary in this case), and a paraprofessional at an elementary school.

At each of these jobs, my best assets have been a strong work ethics, good organizational skills, out-going personality, and an ever-present desire to move up and be more and do more.

And yet, I eventually got bored at each of these jobs.  Except for parapro...I am still doing this one...and I have a new position that is wearing me out right now.  But I know this job won't last, because I know I don't want to be a parapro for the rest of my life only making 15k per year.

My major in college right now is Sociology.  I am going broad with my degree, so that more doors will open to me...which, for me, is good...because of my free spirit.

I am hoping to be a college professor.  But how do I know that is who I am? Or how do I know if that is who I should be?

Do other people have it this hard figuring out "who they are"??????

Such a dumb question on the surface, but it really isn't.

When I am sitting in my World Lit. class, I am thinking about how I could SOOO be a World Lit. professor.  When I was in my Humanities class, I thought about how I could SOOO be a Humanities professor.

I could be a writer.  I could be an editor, as I find mistakes ALL the time in books and novels (even my textbooks at college).  I could be a teacher.  I could be a secretary/receptionist.  I could be a bank teller.  I could be...anything...and yet would anything satisfy me?

What kind of degree do they offer for hard-working, dedicated, intelligent, and out-going free-spirits?

Okay, seriously...I am looking for feed-back here.  Any kind of feed-back will do.  Even if it is to say that you had a hard time picking your own major/job/identity as well.

~TG

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Is it possible to love my children any more than I do? I could sit on my page here at LDS.net all day and listen to the music and watch the beautiful pics of my kids. 

I also have one of those new photo frames that displays pics from a memory card.  My step-dad bought it for me last Christmas.  I love watching the pics scroll through.

It is so amazing how we have technology that catches a beautiful moment, a precious face forever so that we can look at it over and over again.

It pains me to see those sweet baby pics of my children...they are growing too fast.  Tears fill my eyes and my chest tightens as I think of them one day leaving me.  Though I know it is necessary and it is a part of life, I just want to have these moments forever.

Is this why God has given us the gift of having children, so that we can catch a glimpse of how he feels for us? If my love for my children is this deep, imagine how deep God's love is for each of us.  

He does not need a moving pic frame to see us, because He has the power to be with all us, all the time.  We have to walk on our own, and we have to make decisions for ourselves, but He is always there loving us and waiting for us to seek his guidance.

Thinking about things lately, I have been thinking of how we choose to treat others.  How we can hold back forgiveness, how we can hold back our kindness, and how we can hold back so much of ourselves from our brothers and sisters on this earth.

How thankful each of us should be to our Savior that He does not make it that hard for us to receive forgiveness, to receive kindness, to receive love.  He paid an ultimate price so that we but have to acknowledge our sin, repent, and have faith in His atoning sacrifice so that our sins may be washed from us.

Why is it that we desperately need such immediate forgiveness, acceptance, and love from our Savior and Heavenly Father, but we hold back in giving it to others?

When I choose to be harsh in my judgements of myself and of others, I am essentially tying my Heavenly Father's hands on judgement day.  Because He has said that He will have to judge us as we judged others (and ourselves) on earth.  He will have no choice.  Why do I bind Him so? Why am I forcing Him to one day judge me harshly, simly because I could not let go of my own pride and pettiness on earth?

 But then I come back to thoughts of my children and thoughts of my husband.  I love them so deeply.  They are my little piece of heaven here on this earth.

Because of my love for them, my sacrifice for them, my patience for them, and my trials with them...I know that I am capable of such things.  It is just a matter of taking that leap of faith and stretching myself to extend that same love, sacrifice, patience, and endurance through trials with my brothers and sisters all around me.

It seems so hard.  It seems so monumental.  And yet the more we stretch, the more we extend ourselves, the more our capacity to do so is increased.  The more we trust in the principles and doctrines of this Gospel, the more we will be blessed to stretch a little further, ever striving for that ultimate goal.

I just have to remember that as I sit and watch the beautiful pics of my family, filled with love and joy, that Heavenly Father also looks upon His children with the same love and joy...even the ones that I perceive to be my "enemies". 

~TG

Tags: Children Love Peace Happiness

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I know that our main purpose, as children of God, is to come to earth, receive bodies, and to prove ourselves herewith.

However, I also think that each of us has added responsibilities, challenges, and obstacles that are unique to us while we are here to help us grow and to give us the strength we need to endure and overcome the buffetings of Satan and the world.

Before my breakdown/depression in 2004/2005, I was a tough cookie who got the job done. 

I had the talent of being crafty, organized, strong, and creative in my callings, my job, and especially in my home with my little family.  But I felt myself becoming weighed down by the turmoil of rocky interactions with the people who surrounded me in my extended family and at work.  I also became VERY frustrated with myself.  It seemed like I had a heavier load than other people around me, and that other people seemed to have more time to relax and to go slow.  I soon found myself becoming resentful of my own talents, and very resentful of the people around me who I thought had a lighter load.

It got to the point where I actually asked Heavenly Father to please take away some of my "burdens".  Little did I know that the things in my life that I saw as burdens, were the very things that were helping me and allowing me to grow. 

I soon had a breakdown.  A three-year depression followed.  During the last three years I actually got my wish, unfortunately.  I had no desire or drive to do my crafts.  I no longer had the energy or ability to micromanage my life.  I no longer was able to juggle all the many talents and abilities that I had.  It was as if the depression had stripped me of everything.  I had no energy, no drive, no passion, and I no longer had the ability to do very much more than survive.

I am now free from my severe depression.  I am no longer on medication.  But as my illness of the past three years abates, I find myself emerging back into the hectic juggling act that my life was before the breakdown/depression.  But can I handle it this time around?

I work full-time.  I go to college full-time (four classes, four nights a week).  I am married and I have two children (7 and 5).  I am active in my church.  I do all the yard work.  I do all the finances.  I do most of the chores in the home.  Blah, blah, blah.

I have the abilities and talent to juggle so many things, but my Achilles heel is having to do all that I do AND deal with other people.  Every facet of my life has rude, mean people.  My family, work, Church, and even my cyber life. 

Why?

I know that there is a lesson for me to learn.  I know this.  But it is so painful.  I have had the WORST two weeks.  Work has really just brought me so low.  The people are mean, unfriendly, and they care nothing for helping others.  But I can't wallow in self-pity, because when I leave work I have to go to college.  When I get home from college I have children who need me to bathe them, feed them, and get them in bed.  I have a house waiting for me to clean and organize it.  I have a husband that does not deserve to have me dump all my troubles and frustrations upon him.  So, I end up swallowing all my frustrations at work, and my general feelings of being over-whelmed.

I am trying hard to recognize my blessings and to show appreciation and gratitude to Heavenly Father for my talents and abilities, and for my very life.  I am also trying to understand my challenges and my burdens.  If I can find the purpose in having so many challenges, then it makes it slightly easier to endure.

Still, it would be nice to not be surrounded by mean people all the time.  This site used to be my one place where I could come for some "me" time.  But there has been a chill here lately too.  I have no earthly idea why. 

Maybe just one more obstacle to overcome?

I just wonder why I can't have just one tiny little corner where there are no obstacles, no challenges, and no trials.

*SIGH*

Luckily, I do have brightness of hope.  The gospel gives me that.  Even in this terrible mire of burdens and obstacles that I find myself in, I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I can still feel God's love for me.  Even if I don't feel it coming from very many other people, I DO feel it from my children, my husband, my mom, and maybe a tiny handful of other people in my life.  But most importantly, I feel it from Heavenly Father. 

I feel that if I can just endure all these trials, there will be blessings in store...either for me or for those around me.

In the meantime, I am going to keep praying for my life to be filled with nicer people.  I am going to keep praying for the strength to endure.  I am going to keep praying to have a constant appreciation and gratitude for my talents, abilities, blessings, and even for my trials.

~TG

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This past Sunday was awesome.

It was just about one of the best Sabbath's days that I have enjoyed in a long time.

Not only did I feel the Spirit overwhelmingly during sacrament, but the Spirit was VERY strong during Sunday School and during Relief Society.  I truly left my ward on Sunday feeling greatly inspired and humbly fortified by the love and teachings of Heavenly Father.

Jeffrey R. Holland, “‘A Teacher Come from God’,” Ensign, May 1998, 25
Most people don’t come to church looking merely for a few new gospel facts or to see old friends, though all of that is important. They come seeking a spiritual experience. They want peace. They want their faith fortified and their hope renewed. They want, in short, to be nourished by the good word of God, to be strengthened by the powers of heaven.

How profound are the words of Jeffrey R. Holland.  I can say with complete gratitude and appreciation that I had the very spiritual experience this past Sabbath that Elder Holland spoke of.  My faith was fortified and my hope was renewed.  I was nourished by the good word of God, and I was strengthened by the powers of Heaven.

It was wonderful, and my heart is full.

Tags: Holy Ghost Spirit Love Peace Joy Inspired

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Phew.

Summer semester is killer.  I am doing good though.  I have two A's and two B's.  One of those B's is about to turn into an A, because I am going to turn in three extra credit papers (worth 5 points each) next week.  I am striving for all A's.  I may not be able to get one in Astronomy, though.  It is WAY harder than I thought it would be when I signed up.  I currently have a B.  That is good.  I have a big test next week over THREE chapters.  That is going to be rough.  I will be studying VERY hard for that test.

Spiritually all is well.  I truly feel the Lord's hand in my life.  I am so grateful for the simple blessings that I have.  I am also truly grateful for the trials that He has given me in my life thus far.  How would I know the joy if it were not for the sorrow? How would I know good health, if I had not had pain and/or injury in my life? How would I know love, if I had not experienced rejection and/or hate?

I am so thankful for my life.  I am so thankful for the trials and adversities that I have had to endure.  I am thankful for the family and friends that I have.  I am thankful for this opportunity that I have to go to college.  I am thankful for my job. 

I can honestly say that my "thank you" list is MUCH MUCH longer than my "I want/need" list.

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Well, this was my first week of Summer semester at college.

Man, it was rough.  I have a full load and Summer semester is only 8 weeks long, so the course work is DOUBLE what it normally is during Spring/Fall.

But I can truly feel Heavenly Father beside me ever step of the way.  How else would I be able to do it?

I have Stellar and Galactic Astronomy, Math, Humanities, and Psychology.  I really like all my classes.  Okay, I don't like Math, but I have a REALLY good teacher who has truly inspired me and has helped me see algebra in a way that I never thought I could.  It is fun, exciting, and I actually understand it.

My humanities teacher reminds me of Mr. Bean.  I mean that in a kind way, as I LOVE the Mr. Bean shows.  Still, this teacher is a little off-beat and has the same peculiar physical mannerisms as Mr. Bean does.  But I like him.  I truly feel that he is a special spirit and I hope I do well in his class.  I am in love with the textbook.  It is FULL of all the stuff I love, pyramids, mummies, ancient civilizations, art, music, technology, culture, language, etc.  Very cool stuff.

Also, I LOVE Stellar and Galactic astronomy.  My dad used to take me up onto the roof of our home in Homestead, FL to look at the stars at night.  He would talk to me about the planets, stars, and constellations.  Since then, my passion for astronomy has been quite insatiable.  I have already bought MANY astronomy books from scholastic for my children.  They love hearing about the planets.  So, I know I am going to enjoy this class. 

Psychology is awesome.  I have the same teacher for 101 that I had for 2103.  She is cool.  I like her alot.  I love psychology, so that helps too.  I always thought that if I ever went back to school it would be for a degree in psychology.  I am going for a teaching degree, but I could always go for psychology later.  Maybe end up teaching psychology at a college.  Now THAT would be cool.  LOL LOL

I am truly thankful that Heavenly Father has given me this opportunity to go back to school.  Even if I die tomorrow, it will have been worth it.  My children are watching me very intently as I go through this college process.  I am hoping that what they see, they will then emulate.  I hope they will take their own schooling seriously and learn how to be studious and involved in becoming a better, well-rounded person.  Not to be learned for the sake of being learned, but to take the knowledge that is available to them and make something positive of themelves and the world around them.

That is my hope for them anyway.  I know it was my mother's hope for me as well.  I am sorry that she had to wait so long to see it, but better late than never...HUH?  LOL LOL

I think I am a MUCH better student now, and that I am truly enjoying the whole process and experience more than I would have at 18.  Maybe, hopefully my kids will see how much I enjoy college and that will remain with them until it is their own turn to go.

I am thankful for so much in my life.  Were it not for the Spirit, however, I would not be a member of this Church.  Were it not for the Spirit, I would not have chosen Michael for my husband.  Were it not for the Spirit, I would not have the two children that I now have.  Were it not for the Spirit, many of the things that I am grateful for, that I enjoy, and that I have experienced would have not been possible.

There were times that I did not hearken or even listen, but there have been so many more times that I have listened, and the rewards and blessings have been great.

I know that this life is but a blink of an eye...but what a great blink it has been so far!

Tags: College Faith Gratitude Knowledge

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Today has been a low day.  Despite medication, I occasionally go through low spells.  I have noticed that these low spells are often triggered by something painful or disappointing.

Not just any old disappointing thing, but something truly personal and/or hurtful.

So, I was hurt by a friend...and though I am working on getting over it...it has already triggered a low spell for me.  I had to force myself to eat dinner.  I just want to shut-down when things like this happen.

I am okay.  I have my children and my husband who keep me mindful of my blessings despite the lowness of my spirit sometimes.

I don't usually have the time to stay on the internet so long...but usually when I am at my most low point, is when I seek out friendship and communication.  I do what I know I need to do in order to try and lift myself out of my low spot.  On good days, I am too busy out in the yard, or cleaning the house, or working, or going to college, or being with my kids/husband to spend so much time on the internet.

Still, I know that Heavenly Father loves me.  I know that He is watching out for me and has sent me so many wonderful people in my life to help me through this disease that I have.

In fact, I made a new friend this past week.  A woman named Donna.  She was a substitute parapro in 1st grade for the past two months.  She is going to be hired this upcoming school year as a teacher.  She has just gotten her degree.  She is really nice and funny.  She seems real sweet and quiet...until you get to know her.  She has a wicked sense of humor, and she is very smart.  I like her.  She bought me a gift the other day...she gave me a pack of Big League Chew...it is bubble gum.  It used to be my favorite as a kid.  I have not eaten it since I was young.  I thought that was an awesome gift!!!! LOL LOL 

Our dryer broke.  Michael has had it for quite awhile.  In fact, it used to be his mother's.  He thinks that the dryer is around 15 years old.  So, we were wondering what we were going to do...as we are tight on funds right now.  Michael works at a hardware retail store.  Well, a customer changed their mind about a dryer after briefly using it.  Once it is used and is returned...it has to be clearanced.  So, Michael called me from work to tell me that it was reduced to a ridiculously low price.  I told him to buy it and bring it home.  We were truly blessed!

So, even in my low spots...I KNOW that Heavenly Father is watching out for me.  My prayers are full of constant praise and gratitude for all that He does for me and my little family.  I know that I am truly blessed.  How in the world would I be able to get through this disease were it not for the gospel?

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We had our annual Ward Conference today.  It was great.  The Spirit was so strong.  I can't believe how fast the meetings went by today.  We had alot of members from the stake present.  It was great having the Stake Presidency there.  I just love our Stake President.  I loved the last one too.  Either we have just been lucky to have two great Stake Presidents in a row, or it is the Spirit of the Lord changing these ordinary men into great speakers and leaders!

The talks were so uplifting.  The talks in sacrament were based upon covenants.  It is interesting to think of covenants as contracts that Heavenly Father writes the terms to, and we either agree upon the terms and sign our name or we choose not to accept the terms offered.  But we all have the choice. 

Heavenly Father clearly states what is expected of us.  What is awesome about the contract the we enter into with our Heavenly Father, is that He then helps us to fulfill the very covenants that we have made with Him.  That is so awesome.  At no point does He ask us to do more than we are able, and at no point does He turn His back on us or deny us His love.  He even sent His only begotten Son to atone for our sins.  Not just to atone, but to set the example.  Just in case we can't fully understand the terms by just reading the contract (the scriptures), then we can look to the life of Jesus Christ.  Though being perfect, the Savior followed and obeyed all that was asked of him by God.  Showing us, that though one being perfect had to obey, then how important does that make it for us to obey?

I don't know of any contracts drawn up in the world in which divine help will be available, a sacrifice provided, and a promise of eternal life given. 

How amazing this life is.  Yet, it is a blink of an eye compared to the time we have already lived in the pre-mortal world and the time that we will yet live after this life.  Will we look back at this brief mortal sojourn as a testing ground in which we proved ourselves valiant, or will we look back with regret at all that we could have done during this brief, blink-of-an-eye moment on earth?

Today was a great sabbath.  It was a day of great reflection for me.  I have much to talk with Heavenly Father about in my prayers tonight...and I especially have much that I want to thank Him for.

My dreams will be peaceful and beautiful tonight.  

Tags: Ward Conference Gospel Talks

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We stayed up past 2 a.m. last night.

My husband and son are on the PS2 again.  They are having fun.

I let both of them sleep in this morning, but I was up rather early. 

My daughter spent the weekend with my mother.  I miss her when she is away.

Well, we solved the problem of not having a lawnmower.  We could not afford a new riding mower.  We could not even afford a new mower deck for our current mower.  But life has a way of opening paths that you don't expect. 

We headed to the big city today.  We had some aluminum cans that we needed to turn in.  We turned in over 1,000 cans (um, we have sort of procrastinated in getting the cans to the drop-off site...LOL) and we got $11.00.  Cool, huh?

Anyway, back to the mower.  After turning our cans in, we headed over to Lowe's.  We bought a push-mower.  I haven't used one of those in years! It was all that we could afford.  At least it has a key-start, instead of those impossible pull-start cords. 

I actually used it today.  Guess what? I realized that my life has been blessed yet again!

See, I am 34...and my metabolism just keeps slowing down.  In other words, I needed to start exercising.  The thing is, between marriage, children, work, college, and everything else in my life...I don't have the time, energy, or true desire to exercise and/or work-out.  Yuck!

But I DO have a passion for being out in my yard.  SOOOO, while I was pushing that mower around, I realized that I was actually exercising!!!!! WOO HOO!!!! So, if I push-mow the accessible parts of my 4 acre property (the cleared part probably only comes to 2 acres, give or take) every week, then I might actually lose some weight!

Here is the weird part...I am actually excited about this! My arms are a little sore right now, but I had fun doing it.  I was actually able to get in closer to my flower beds and around my trees.  It even has a mulching bag.  We have this one mud-hole in our driveway that WILL NOT go away, so I was able to fill it with three loads of grass clippings today.  That is cool.  Maybe filling it with grass-clippings every week will finally bring an end to that mud-hole.

Again, perspective is everything.  I was so worried about what we were going to do about not having a lawnmower.  Then the spirit just directed us in a different direction (a blessedly CHEAPER direction) and now I can get my satisfaction from having a manicured lawn, while getting myself into shape!!!!!

Well, I am tired and tomorrow is Sunday.  I love Sunday.  It means getting to go to Church.  I hope tomorrow will be a great Sunday with good talks, uplifting lessons, and a Spirit of love coming from everybody.

Have a good night...and an even better Sunday! 

Tags: Love Home Yard Work Family Exercise

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