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My grandma died about 2 years ago. She was a proper English woman who loved her cigarettes and tea. She lived about 2 hours away from us, but we'd either go up and visit her or she'd come down and visit us relatively often. She was quick, smart, and opinionated; she was never one to beat around the bush...especially when it came to the French. Sometimes we would grumble when she came over because it took us days to air out the house of her cigarette smoke, but I always loved hearing the stories she would tell (on rare occasions) about the dances they would go to during the war (WWII) and how her and her friends would have to walk home in their heels because the bus service stopped running.

I don't know if I'd say we were close, but I loved her. My sisters and I visited her in the hospital several days before she ended up dying. She was a ghost of the woman she used to be. Staring off aimlessly, unable to speak. We tried to put on a strong face for her and be encouraging, especially for my mom's sake. We all went outside and then my mom brought us in one at a time to speak with her. As my mother brought me in for my turn, she told me "You were always grandma's favorite" or something like that. I'd always heard my mom compare me physically to my grandma (blonde hair, blue eyes, small, slender body type), but that comment surprised me. I'd always tried to show my grandma the respect she deserved, spend time with her, and give her hugs after our visits, which I guess is more than some of the other grandchildren (especially my cousins). That made it hurt more when she died.

Next to her bed, I tried to show her as much love and compassion as I could by talking with her and holding her hand. I don't know if any of it got through, but I know she knows now that I tried. My mom said it was hard for grandma to die; she fought it. She wasn't religious at all, but my dad said once he told her what the other side of the veil was like and my mom promised to take care of her younger brother (grandma always felt like she needed to take care of him, even though he's in his 50s), that she finally slipped away. That night, I cried myself to sleep. But, in the middle of th night I thought I felt her bony, wrinkled fingers touch my arm and say 'It will be alright.' At the time, I thought it was my husband, but he said he didn't do that...he just let me go to sleep. I know it was her.

I don't know why, but I felt incredibly close to her today, like the veil was thin for us today. I have felt a renewed sense of missing her. I miss not being able to go visit her. I miss her not coming down to visit. I miss her tea drinking...not the smoking since that's what killed her. I wish I had asked her to tell me more stories about her younger days. I wish that some day her temple work will be completed and she will accept the gospel, but I'm not sure if she will. She was a pretty strong-willed lady, but who knows? All I know, is that I love her, respect her, honor her, and miss her now than I can ever remember.

On Monday, my husband and I had the opportunity to go see that movie about Emma Smith ("My Story" or something like that) at a local theater. It was wonderful. What I loved most about the movie was that it depicted Emma as a woman of incredible faith and strength, but also showed how very human she was. I'm sure she spent more than half the movie crying because of the weight of her burdens and trials, but she faithfully followed Joseph and the instructions of the Lord. One scene in the movie showed her holding another sick child telling Joseph the Lord would not take another one of her children, which He did. This scene resonated with me because I have felt the same frustration with some of the trials the Lord has given me. The way in which the movie showed the pain and anger(?) she felt, but how she continued to do what was asked of her in building Zion was truly inspiring. 

I think what makes her story poignant is that her life was not easy; obeying was not with out negative consequences, but yet she still did everything. I think that it could have been easier for Joseph to suffer through the persecutions and abuse that he did; he had seen the visions, felt the hands of angels, and read the Gold plates. Emma suffered through many of the same things without seeing these things, which makes her faith seem so great. Even though she endured many things, she did not question or quit because of her trials like so many of us do.

She buried so many children, her parents disowned her, and she endured the persecutions of the fledgling church. At one point in the movie, Joseph and Emma are laying in bed and she asks Joseph "Has the Lord forsaken us?" to which he responds that they need to do their best and press on. She simply accepts his answer and does such. I pray that I can have such faith, strength, love, and courage to follow the inspirations of the Lord and principles of the gospel without considering the worldly consequences. My husband and I have had similar exchanges; I pray that I will have the wisdom to accept his wise counsel (he gave a similar answer), not fight it.

Emma's understanding of eternity made her a truly wise woman. She knew "there is no end to love" and it helped her transcend the world and press forward with faith. I know the Lord hand picked her to be the "elect lady" she was and that her actions, faith, love, and strength truly helped mold the early church and lay the foundation for the salvation of many souls.

I decided that I want to be like Emma Smith.

Tags: Faith Trials Emma Smith

It is so easy to get caught up with what's going on with other people. The great and fantastic things that are happening in their lives. Lately I've struggled a little with this. I try not to be a 'keeping up with the Joneses' type person, and I don't think I am when it comes to finances. But sometimes I look at where people are in their lives and wonder "What's God's plan for me, then? Am I just a late bloomer? Am I not worthy enough? Do I need to learn more before...?" This isn't just one particular aspect of my life, either; I think I compare myself to others in several aspects.

My husband has been a big help to me with this and keeps reminding me that God's plan for the Browns (or whoever) is not His plan for us. God has things meticulously timed and planned out for us for specific reasons. In fact, my husband said, some of things that seem to have been delayed or seem very far away could have nothing to do with me or us; they could be about Heavenly Father and His other children and what needs to happen for them. Consciously reminding myself of these things has really relieved some of my anxiety and worry about possibly not being where I think I should be. My husband is right when he says he thinks I get frustrated and impatient when things don't happen my way; most things have always come pretty easy for me. School, work, athletics, music, etc. And the things that I didn't succeed in, I stayed away from for the most part because I had enough things that I was good at. Ohhh, I have a lot of patience to learn in my struggles and it's a little daunting. How can I learn patience during these times? I want to learn and grow from them, not just ignore them and concentrate on something else because I know that won't make it go away; in fact, that will probably just make the Lord have to smack me a little harder with it.

I've also tried to remember the early Saints and all of their challenges and delays in the building up of Zion. They didn't go straight from point A to point B; they moved from one place to the next, got kicked out of places they thought were the sites of the New Zion, only to end up in mosquito infested swamps. It took years for the faithful Saints to end up where the Lord wanted them to be. I know I'd be soooo frustrated if I were with them! But they didn't quit when the Lord didn't take them immediately to their destination. Why? Because they learned what they needed to learn on their journey and trusted the Lord. I think that is my challenge. Even if it is just learning patience as my path winds around to places I don't think I need to go as I try to get to my destination (wherever that is). I just need to stop complaining and enjoy the ride; the Lord's got my back and he'll make things happen when they should. I rejoice in His hand being in my life, whether that's stalling things I want or making them happen when He knows the time is right. I love the Lord and all His tender mercies that He gives to me.

I have been listening to "The Life and Teachings of Joseph Smith" on CD while I commute (I drive about 2 hours per day) and I have learned some very interesting and wonderful things about the first prophet of this dispensation. Today, I listened to the lecture on the law of consecration and it revealed to me how giving, how generous, and how loving the Prophet Joseph Smith was. Very often, he would give his last dollar to anyone who was in need, rendering himself penniless. How amazing. Does that ever happen today? We may give generously, but not to the point where it would really affect us and Joseph Smith did. The prophet could've been rich, but he lived most of his life in poor and humble circumstances because he knew the importance of giving what he had to those who were in need.

There was a story where church leadership (the prophet and apostles) wanted to buy a farm, but had no money to and the apostles wondered how they would pay for it. Joseph pulled out his purse and gave a dollar to each apostle, again leaving him penniless. He said something to the affect of "Now you have money and I have none. Some day you will have no money, and I will." Right before the close of the sale, a man offered to buy some land from the prophet giving him exactly the amount he needed to purchase this other farm ($500). Joseph turned to the apostles and said something like "You trusted in the money, I trusted in the Lord. Now I have money and you have none." That is very poignant, I think.

There were a couple anecdotes of other people who gave and gave all they could to help the Saints. One brother paid the debt on the unfinished Nauvoo temple, so the banks wouldn't take it adn the work could continue. This same brother spent much of his money helping 2,000-3,000 Saints get the basics they needed to cross the plains to Utah. What a difference this man's generosity made in the lives of those he gave to and to the building up of Zion.

The Law of Consecration did not work because people did not try their hardest to live it. The Saints did not follow the example of the Prophet. Some said Joseph took people's money for his own gain, but that was not the case. The prophet was poor his whole life because everything he received, he gave to the building up of Zion. I pray that I can better follow Joseph Smith's example and give more to those who need it. I know that if I do, the Lord will not leave me and my family wanting for anything we need as the prophet promised the same thing to those that did give in his lifetime.

I would encourage anyone to listen to these lectures. The ones on finance also relate to the lecture on the law of consecration, but there are many other great topics that are discussed in relation to how the prophet lived his life. They're very enlightening.

Tags: Law Of Consecration Joseph Smith Charity

I heard on the radio about a op-ed piece in an East Coast publication where the writer discussed how she got dirty looks from people when she told them she had 3 children. Apparently, having 3 children is too many for a lot of people. The radio show brought on people who had rather large families (6 and 8 kids); the parents had been called 'breeders' by people the met on the street and talked about how people (mostly strangers) gave them a hard time for having so many children. They actually got one guy on the show who admitted he thought 3 kids was too many because he said it was the uneducated, poor people that had lots of kids and they couldn't take care of them so it was a drain on society (what a stupid generalization). He also said something like how it was an ego-trip for people to want to 'xerox themselves' multiple times by having kids. How terrible is that? What an idiot.

First of all, it's no ones business but the parents on how many children they have as long as they can take care of them financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Secondly, why do people care how many kids other people have? Why is it any of their concern? Why are they so offended by it? I live in Seattle and I don't think it's a very kid-friendly place; I think if I asked someone what their problem was with big families they'd say something like, "Well, there's so many starving kids in the world, they should just adopt. Plus, their hurting the environment more with bigger families." Puh-leeze. Adoption is a noble thing, but it's not for everyone and it shouldn't be an alternative to having your own children (unless that's what you choose to do). I'm not even going to get into the environment thing (let's just say that Hummer they drive for 2 hours every day probably does more damage).

I just thought this story brought to light a very discouraging truth: many people no longer view children as 'an heritage unto the Lord.' They view them as burdens, as polluters, as taking up valuable space, and as being a drain. I think people are really just more selfish; they don't want their lifestyles be slowed down with kids and that means dragging down those who have chosen to have larger families. What a miserable kind of person to be. What will take to combat this kind of ideology? It's just sad, sad, sad.

My husband and I were in the car running multiple errands today (exciting I know). We sat quietly in the car, just listening to the radio when I asked him "What are you thinking about?" I don't know what I expected, maybe something about sports, traffic, etc., but instead he said something like, "About how we say things will be better when..." I stopped and thought about it. We do say that sometimes...sometimes a lot of times. I tried to think of all the times we've said that "Things will be better when..." in reference to wanting more time together, in reference to our jobs, in reference to wanting a house, etc.

I realized how much pressure he feels like he's under. I think he feels an overwhelming responsiblity to make all the things we've dreamed about happen. I put on my wife hat and truthfully told him, "I'm happy now. I know we say that a lot, but I'm happy now and where we are in our lives now. We just have to keep on working hard and being faithful." I don't know if that was the right thing to say, but it's truly how I feel. Sure, we live in a small basement apartment, but it's home. Sometimes we have to strategically mail in our bills so we don't overdraft our account, but it works out. We don't see each other nearly enough because of our work schedules and my poor hubby sometimes works 60+ hours in about a 4 day period so we can have money to put away for taxes, savings, and trips we want to take. But I feel blessed.

I love my life. I love my husband, my home, and our involvement in the gospel. I love feeling the spirit in my life and having a spiritual giant for a husband (although he doesn't realize it and always denies it). Our lives our humble, but I think in a way our lives are very great. For the most part, we recognize what is important because of experiences we have had that have forced us to cherish them. Things like our health, safety, faith, being together, our jobs, our home, and our family. It's wonderful to know how important these things are and how simple life seems when we realize what our priorities should be. I feel blessed to recognize and cherish these things at this point in my life. It makes me rejoice in what many take for granted. Again, I'm not a 'sunshin and rainbow' type of person, but I have realized that I am happier now than ever before and I think other people at my work, in my family, and other acquaintances have recognized it.

So, yes, sometimes we may dream that our lives will be better when we have our 2.5 children, our house on the lake, a boat, a dog, and a cat. But I honestly don't think that the spirit we will have then will be any greater than the spirit we have now and it's the spirit, love, and faith that makes us happy! We could have all the goodies life has to offer, but if we don't have the love, faith, desire to progress, integrity, and humility that we have now...our lives just won't be as great as the humble lives that we have now. I hope that we have the strength to increase in all those areas and not get distracted by the world's goodies. I love the Lord, I love being a member of the church, I love the blessings and mercies he grants me, and I love my husband and the inspired man that he is (even if he doesn't believe it).

Things should not be better when...We need to be grateful for what we have and recognize the greatness of it. Whatever struggles I/we may have, I am comforted and even made happy about them when I realize that I am going through them with Lord and my husband by my side.

Tags: Happiness Trust Faith Gratitude

I met a nice lady at church who I had seen a couple times, but not had the opportunity to meet. Both she and her husband are returned missionaries, but her husband has since become apostate and, according to her, "anti-Mormon." They have 2 young children. Anyway, at our ward potluck, I had the opportunity to 'rescue' her sunbeam aged son from running up the stairs and out the door. I ended up doing this 1 other time before we both left. She was very appreciative and asked if I was available to babysit (which I'm really not). I told her my work schedule and gave her my information.

Now, I'm not really the babysitting type, but I figured that this could be a good opportunity for service and she really seemed desperate for a babysitter. I also figured, it would be a good missionary opportunity for her husband. However, while I was giving her my phone number, she asked me how much I charged to babysit. That suprised me, I was planning on doing it for free and I didn't know how to answer her. She told me to think about it.

I really don't want to charge her. However, since then, I've had a major car repair, found out how much we have to pay in taxes, and found out how much our summer road trip is really going to cost. Now I can't decide if the encounter with this sister provides an opportunity for service or an opportunity to make a little extra (much needed) money. If the Lord means it to be service, then I'll do it for free. If the Lord means it to be a little way to help us be able to pay all our bills with out breaking the bank, than I'll take that, too.

What's a girl to do?

Tags: Service

I had the opportunity to go the temple with my husband on Friday night and it was magnificent. We were both very tired and we decided an endowment session might not be the best choice for us, so we decided to do initiatories intead, which we had not done in more than 1 year. It was an incredible experience for me and deeply spiritual. From the very first name of the person whom I was doing the work for, I teared up. I have never felt so connected to the gospel of the past, the present, and future.

I say the the gospel of the past because these temple ordinances are written of in the Old Testament and were truly divinely inspired dating back to Adam (and probably before). Of course, these ordinances were taken away from the earth, but have mercifully been given back through the restoration. Through these ordinances, the Saints of today have access to heavenly blessings that will be poured out upon us. The temple ordinances give opportunities to those on the other side of the veil. I don't know if any of the women I performed initiatories for accepted what I did for them, but I know that they will have opportunity to accept the fullness of the gospel in the future, if they so decide. The future is bright for them if they accept...This is true for any temple ordinance you might perform for someone on the other side of the veil.

While doing initiatories, I felt like I was the medium between the truth of the Old Testament principles and ordinances and the future blessings of heaven. If you have not been to the temple or done initiatories recently, I would invite you to partake of that unique spirit.

Tags: Temple Work

You know those days where everything seems very satisfying and gratifying? They don't happen very often, but every now and then, a day comes along where you run into an old friend, someone smiles at you, something that normally annoys you doesn't, etc. Today, I had one of those days. I don't want to mislead you, today wasn't one of those days where everything went perfectly, but it was one of those days where the goods simply overshadowed the bads. Where God's love overpowered my weaknesses.

I work as a sports director for a local YMCA. One of my co-workers told me of 9-10 year old boy who has had a really tough time recently. He lost his mother in a car accident over the summer, his father has serious legal problems, and it seems the family is constantly going to court and fighting over custody of him and his brother. This poor boy get dragged through mud and comes up for air long enough to make it through the next puddle. Anyway, I put him on a soccer team I coach and we had our first practice today. The most wonderful thing happened: he smiled the whole time. I don't assume it was because of my coaching, he simply had a great attitude. You wouldn't have known anything was wrong. He was the most enthusiastic one out on the field. He listened great, he had fun, he smiled, and he even ran an extra set of sprints! Seeing this boy who's going through so much have a smile on his face for an hour warms my heart. I would've made excuses for him if he'd been negative, scowling, and uncooperative. Instead, he made my day with his positive attitude and bright smile. It's simply amazing to think about.

Earlier in the day, I had a little 3 year old boy that I taught soccer to run up and hug my legs. Not once, but twice! He didn't hestitate when he saw me; he just ran right around the counter and hugged my legs. It was an incredible feeling because I thought he would've forgotten about me...or at least been a little shy! Nope, he just smiled and we chatted like old friends. It probably didn't look like anything extraordinary to those around us, but it was truly special for me to stare at those innocent blue eyes, bright smile, and share a moment with this child for 5 minutes.

Throughout the day, I had the opportunity to speak with my husband...including a rare opportunity at home this morning! We didn't struggle for conversation, we weren't cranky, we were just truly happy to chit chat and goof around for 20 minutes. We work awkward hours, so we spend a lot of time on the phone together and sometimes conversations just don't flow because we don't have anything to talk about. Each time we talked, he made me laugh and laugh. In fact, I think I might've giggled a few times. I don't really remember what we talked about, but I got this intense feeling of love for him and from him that lasted me all day. Those times are so nice when we get caught up in our daily activities. I am so grateful to have him as my eternal companion.

When I concentrate real hard, I can think of some things that happened today that could've made my day crappy. Instead, I remember these things and feel God's love for me. He sent me angels in the form of children and my husband; He sent me gifts in the form of smiles, laughs, and hugs. I am so grateful for Him and the tender mercies he offers me each day. God sent me his love through his other servants and they don't even know it. I pray that I can pay this happiness, contentment, and love forward. I'm not really a 'sunshine and rainbows' type of person, but today I sure felt like one.

Tags: Happiness Gratitude God's Love

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