Okay, so I know itās been forever since I last wrote, but there are some very good reasons!
Iāll not bore you all with the details but Iāve been unable to attend my ward for a number of months and so consequently everything to do with my Disciplinary Council had gone by the way side, literally.
But for at least the last 3 months Iāve been at Church faithfully every Sunday and even during the time that Iāve been away Iāve been ensuring that Iāve been up to date with all the classes and making sure that Heavenly Father was on my side I guess. And Iāve seen some remarkable blessings because of that, my first job in over a year, my first permanent job in nearly 3 years and the best bit is itās a great job! But thatās a story for the āMy testimoniesā section (and in fact it is!).
Iāve tried and tried and tried to live as I should do, I feel like Iāve literally been brought to my knees and beyond by the way that circumstances have surrounded me. And maybe I wouldnāt have got through them were it not for how much I began to lean on Heavenly Father throughout all that.
Throughout all the problems Iāve still not really had any contact with members, and thatās been hard, partly because of my circumstances and partly I think because my bishop was convinced that Iād gone for good. I still donāt know if he thinks that.
But back in August when I was finally able to commit to being in Church without fail, and when I possibly ābroke the rulesā by giving my testimony on the anniversary of my baptism, I said there and then to Heavenly Father and to myself that I was just going to go to Church and if I never got things sorted with my bishopric then that was just the way it was. I really have wound myself up these last few years about that! That fear that my Bishopric shouldāve excommunicated me, that fearās still with me occasionally.
I finally determined that I would give myself a few months and if I didnāt get anywhere I would contact my Stake Presidency in the New Year.
So things have been going well, really genuinely, I wish I knew now back when I was baptised, but I guess thatās what the Refinerās Fire is about. It burns and sometimes you canāt see for the heat and flames and smoke, but eventually you start to see what the finished product could be.
Iāve started to be asked every Sunday to do something, like a prayer or a class, and Iāve had to turn it down, itās not been easy, itās been cutting, but itās felt good that people are finally realising that Iām there J
This week, Tuesday to be precise, Iām sat as home in the evening after work, happy as a clam, watching the TV and decided to pick up my phone and checked my email. Ping ā Bishopā¦ I then spent the next 4 hours fluctuating between elation, fear, tears and happiness, and moaning down the phone at on of the elders who taught me all those years ago.
This point in time, this day, has been my aiming point for months, itās been on my mind constantly, every new goal, every prayer, to get to this point. But then I began to feel that maybe it wasnāt time, every fear, every painful thought flooded to my mind. What should I do? I thought of ignoring the email. I thought of simply replying, āno Iām fine, thank youā.
Iām still nervous, I still donāt know what Iām going to do or say. Iām scared that Bishop isnāt going to believe me. Iām scared that Iām going to be told thereās still years until I finally get to take the sacrament again, until I finally get to say a prayer or give a talk. The sad bit is, I love to talk ā if you hadnāt guessed! Iām scared that this is going to set me back if I do get told Iāve still got to prove myself for X number of months. Iām scared Iāll fail, and so if I donāt try then I canāt fail can I?
I know with a certainty that has been proven to me time and again that my bishopric is in tune with the Spirit, that they truly hold and exercise the keys they have been given. I know deep down that I have an amazing Bishopric, my ward has seen phenomenal growth and retention under their direction and management. Iāve defended my Bishop, in fact probably been one of his biggest fans, in recent weeks to disillusioned and troubled friends. Yet here I am, doubting againā¦
Well I have my appointment to see him. Iāll let you all know.
Tags: Disciplinary Court Worry Frustration Excommunication Disfellowship