Hi everyone,

Okay, so I know itā€™s been forever since I last wrote, but there are some very good reasons!

Iā€™ll not bore you all with the details but Iā€™ve been unable to attend my ward for a number of months and so consequently everything to do with my Disciplinary Council had gone by the way side, literally.

But for at least the last 3 months Iā€™ve been at Church faithfully every Sunday and even during the time that Iā€™ve been away Iā€™ve been ensuring that Iā€™ve been up to date with all the classes and making sure that Heavenly Father was on my side I guess. And Iā€™ve seen some remarkable blessings because of that, my first job in over a year, my first permanent job in nearly 3 years and the best bit is itā€™s a great job!  But thatā€™s a story for the ā€œMy testimoniesā€ section (and in fact it is!).

Iā€™ve tried and tried and tried to live as I should do, I feel like Iā€™ve literally been brought to my knees and beyond by the way that circumstances have surrounded me. And maybe I wouldnā€™t have got through them were it not for how much I began to lean on Heavenly Father throughout all that.

Throughout all the problems Iā€™ve still not really had any contact with members, and thatā€™s been hard, partly because of my circumstances and partly I think because my bishop was convinced that Iā€™d gone for good. I still donā€™t know if he thinks that.

But back in August when I was finally able to commit to being in Church without fail, and when I possibly ā€˜broke the rulesā€™ by giving my testimony on the anniversary of my baptism, I said there and then to Heavenly Father and to myself that  I was just going to go to Church and if I never got things sorted with my bishopric then that was just the way it was. I really have wound myself up these last few years about that! That fear that my Bishopric shouldā€™ve excommunicated me, that fearā€™s still with me occasionally.

I finally determined that I would give myself a few months and if I didnā€™t get anywhere I would contact my Stake Presidency in the New Year.

So things have been going well, really genuinely, I wish I knew now back when I was baptised, but I guess thatā€™s what the Refinerā€™s Fire is about. It burns and sometimes you canā€™t see for the heat and flames and smoke, but eventually you start to see what the finished product could be.

Iā€™ve started to be asked every Sunday to do something, like a prayer or a class, and Iā€™ve had to turn it down, itā€™s not been easy, itā€™s been cutting, but itā€™s felt good that people are finally realising that Iā€™m there J

This week, Tuesday to be precise, Iā€™m sat as home in the evening after work, happy as a clam, watching the TV and decided to pick up my phone and checked my email.  Ping ā€“ Bishopā€¦  I then spent the next 4 hours fluctuating between elation, fear, tears and happiness, and moaning down the phone at on of the elders who taught me all those years ago.

This point in time, this day, has been my aiming point for months, itā€™s been on my mind constantly, every new goal, every prayer, to get to this point. But then I began to feel that maybe it wasnā€™t time, every fear, every painful thought flooded to my mind. What should I do? I thought of ignoring the email. I thought of simply replying, ā€˜no Iā€™m fine, thank youā€™.

Iā€™m still nervous, I still donā€™t know what Iā€™m going to do or say. Iā€™m scared that Bishop isnā€™t going to believe me. Iā€™m scared that Iā€™m going to be told thereā€™s still years until I finally get to take the sacrament again, until I finally get to say a prayer or give a talk. The sad bit is, I love to talk ā€“ if you hadnā€™t guessed! Iā€™m scared that this is going to set me back if I do get told Iā€™ve still got to prove myself for X number of months. Iā€™m scared Iā€™ll fail, and so if I donā€™t try then I canā€™t fail can I?

I know with a certainty that has been proven to me time and again that my bishopric is in tune with the Spirit, that they truly hold and exercise the keys they have been given. I know deep down that I have an amazing Bishopric, my ward has seen phenomenal growth and retention under their direction and management. Iā€™ve defended my Bishop, in fact probably been one of his biggest fans, in recent weeks to disillusioned and troubled friends. Yet here I am, doubting againā€¦

Well I have my appointment to see him. Iā€™ll let you all know.

Axxx

Tags: Disciplinary Court Worry Frustration Excommunication Disfellowship