Here I am trying to be a better man.  It hurts and is depressing when I want to help but am rejected.  

  I'm trying to join the Red Cross.  I should say I'm about to join the Red Cross.  In a week I'm scheduled to be trained for the volunteer position I was offered.  I'm doing this, for the first time in my life, because I want to give back to the community.  I want to please Heavenly Father.  I know when I'm in the services of others I'm only in the service of my God.  The woman I've been working with at the Red Cross has been very inviting and kind.  She has acted like she really wanted me there the first time I stepped thru the door and said I wanted to volunteer.  

  Recently I took the two missionaries to a transfer meeting.  It was my first time taking them as far as Indy.  The meeting was very special.  It was the first time I have seen a transfer meeting.  I took those two missionaries up to Indy because I wanted to please Heavenly Father.  It was my pleasure and I want no reward except, I hope Heavenly Father is proud of me.  

 It makes me feel good to do service for others and I hope I can do far more in the future.  The Red Cross is a big step for me.  Being the Emergency Ward Coordinator was my first big step.  

 What makes me sad though is when I want to volunteer but I'm told I'm not wanted.  It particularly hurts when I see others allowed volunteering but I'm not asked.  There is one particular place I'm thinking of.  I love that place very much.  I see others asked to volunteer their time.  I see what they do and say to myself -  I can do that.  I may not be perfect, but I can do that.  So I want to volunteer.  But, I am rejected.  I am not asked.  

 And so here I am asking - what does one have to do?  Am I not friends with enough people to be allowed to volunteer?  Do I have to drive a certain kind of car?  Must I always appear with a smile on my face?  Must I have a certain degree?  What does one have to do?    

 I just don’t get it. I pray, I ask for forgiveness.  I try to look upon people as my Brothers and Sisters.  I try to forgive.  I try to be humble.  I'm trying to be a better person.  I'm doing something significant that should help me be a better person.  I have testified.  I have taught the Gospel Principles class.  I have counted the people after the Sacrament meeting.  

  What else must I do to be allowed to volunteer?  Perhaps I should give up.  Maybe I should accept the fact that I'm not wanted.  Perhaps this is like finding a special someone in your life who wants to be a special Sister or Brother but not your Eternal Companion.  Best friends but nothing more.  

 It does hurt me tho.  Seeing others, younger and older, more mature and less mature, allowed to volunteer and not me.  Particularly when that place has been important to me.  

 I don’t know.  It makes me sad.  I really makes me sad as I try to better myself that I’m rejected.