since i did any writing in here

wrote last about giving up smoking. well, that didn't work for very long, but i have decided to give it another bash tomorrow. good luck to me. i want it more than ever and know that it's something that's holding me back

i've also decided from this month to start paying tithing. not too sure how i'm gonna be able to afford it, but my private business has been picking up and the last few months i've somehow ended up with a surplus of money at the end of every month, right when it's needed most. i'm gonna put my faith to the test here. just pay the tithing and have faith that i'll be taken care of

been seriously questioning some stuff lately. nothing that's rocking the faith-boat, simply stuff that i don't really understand completely or - in some cases - at all.

such as:

in our pre-mortal existence we each grew and developed at our pace and become unique individuals with hopes and desires which formed personalities. we were taught by our HF and learned about the Plan of Salvation. our big brother, Jesus Christ was there, so were all our friends and so was Lucifer. at this stage, as i understand it, Lucifer was not yet Satan, or the devil, but rather was the son of the morning, the most beautiful of all our HF's children. we already had our free agency and were already able to make decisions which formed us in that pre-mortal sphere. we were surrounded by countless intelligences of many degrees of intelligence and in many forms. these intelligences were at some point organised and we were asked to make some really big choices, the 2 biggest of which were accepting the Saviour and accepting the Priesthood of our HF. ok, so far this is easy enough to understand. simple choice, right? we've been living for quite some time (probably a very, very long time) in the presence of our HF and He informs us of this plan that He has and asks "So, my dear children, what you all gonna choose?"

this is the confusing bit... we have not yet passed beyond the veil, we have not yet received these weak and corruptible vessels of flesh and blood, Satan does not yet exist to tempt us, yet some of us choose to accept the Saviour and the Priesthood and then there's a bunch of us who can accept only the Saviour, but reject the Priesthood, there are those among us who really struggle to make our choice and yet another bunch of us choose to be cast out of heaven, how the heck does that work?

yeah, yeah, i know we have the agency and all... but why in heaven's name would anybody choose not to follow HF's plan for us?

i asked this question in Sunday School today but couldn't get a good answer out of anyone. our teacher was the first Stake President of the first Stake which was organised in South Africa many years ago when i was still a child. he's been around for a while. he mostly grinned at me during the ensuing discussion which erupted (that's what happend when members don't know the answer to questions). he came and sat by me after the lesson and we spoke for some time. he saw the funny side i think, yet obviously sympathised with my dilemna. he suggested doing a lot of research and reading and praying. not an easy question to answer, that some questions have answers and others are not ever gonna be answered in this lifetime.

sometimes i think perhaps i'm simply imagining things, but my entire life i have always felt a peculiarly strong connection to my HF. even during the many years i strayed from the church i (almost) always knew that He was real and that He had something different planned for me, that i had some higher purpose here on this earth. not just any higher purpose, either; that i was destined for something very important. also my whole life i have always felt very strong promptings from the Holy Ghost. most often, when i have questions about the gospel, or life in general, i receive very clear answers very quickly, often almost immediately. at least it seems this way (this is another little something i've been wondering about lately: is this all in my mind??? but that's for another discussion i guess)

quite recently i have had 2 separate "personal revelations" - for i cannot think what else they could be.

the first. my wife is investigating the church and during a recent discussion with the elders - i honestly do not even recall exactly what was being discussed - i received a very powerful impression, like a memory being awakened. i remembered very, very clearly that my spirit can remember being with my Saviour up close and in person and that i knew Him and that He knew me, that we were companions in the pre-mortal existence and communicated with one another as i communicate with my friends here on earth.

the second. reading through some scriptures in Alma, i once again "remembered" that i have an important duty to perform here on earth. it was very clear to me. if i "return to the fold", then the Lord will have some very important work for me to do. haven't figured out the details on that one yet, though, hahaha

Brendan