Okay, I have been looking for a place to talk... and I don't know that it even matters if anyone listens.  I just need to talk and can't talk to my family, because this is a burden that I just can't lay on them.

I am scared.  Really scared.  The past few months have been rough ones.  History:  I have had diabetes for 25 years.  It is poorly controlled, partly because I am allergic to insulin, and partly because I  have little structure in me, and diabetes is a disease that requires great structure.  Because it is poorly controlled, it has ravaged my body.  In addition to the diabetes, I have fibromyalgia, carpel tunnel, chronic fatique, celiac disease, and shingles.  Those I have had for years and learned to live with.  The tend to go in cycles, flare ups, then calm down... and I have learned to live with the inconveniences.

In may I ended up in the ER because I could not breathe.  Three days later I was discharged with the diagnosis of Congestive Heart Failure.  I was put on medicine for high blood pressure and discharged with a book of instructions that told me to rest, rest, rest.  I mean REALLY rest.  Brush your teeth, rest.  Get dressed, rest.  Eat breakfast, rest.  Not just rest after exertion, but REST after every stinking little thing.  I researched Congestive Heart Failure and read repeatedly the following statistics: 20% of people with CHF die within the first year, 50% die within 5 years, another 10% live up to 8 years, and the remaining 20% live as long as 10 years.  I just turned 55.

After being discharged from the hospital, I was again hospitalized 9 days later.  This time the diagnosis was Kidney Failure.  At the time my kidneys were only able to work at 15% capacity.  I have been able to get a small amount of the function back... they now work at 25% capacity.  A kidney specialist treated me in the hospital and he has followed up with me at his office.  He continually urges me to get a cardiac doctor... and I have no medical insurance.  So far the only doctr I am seeing is my kidney doctor.  I am terrified by the things I feel in my body... I do not feel well at all... but I don't know how to get a doctor without money.

Money has become a crisis point.  My kidney doctor made me quit work, because the things he has me do require all my attention, plus frankly my exhaustion level isn't conducive to working a full time job.  Our income has dropped by 2/3 since I became ill... and my prescriptions are now running about $750 amonth.  Supplements run about $200-250 more.

The hospital told me that Congestive Heart Failure is irreversible and progressive.  I will not get better, only worse. The kidney doctor told me that my kidney failure is chronic and will not get better, but only worse.  He assures me that I will be on dialysis anytime from 3 months to 3 years from now.  This is not a bright picture, but actually the CHF is the worst of the lot.

Now I am waiting on more news.... recent blood tests shows my liver enzymes to be about 10 times normal.  The three main reasons for such high enzymes are gall bladder, liver failure or bone cancer.  Recent ultra sounds of organs in my abdomen have been done hoping to discover what is going on.  But I feel like I am stomping out fires, trying desperately to solve one problem after another.

And here is the scary part:  About 10 years ago, it came to me suddenly that I am going to die when I am 56 years old.  At the time, I was surprised at the thought and just wondered where it came from.  But it has lurked in my mind.  I never saw anything that would make it seem real.  I knew that my diabetes would most likely make me die younger than most, because diabetes does that... but I still pictured being older than this.  I pictured watching my children grow up, and cuddling all my grandbabies.

I am 55 years old.  Only half of my children have married, and there are many unborn grandchildren to love.  I want to be here to see them.  I am greatly in love with my husband, and I want to spend many more years by his side.  We have worked together... I want retirement with him.

I don't know what to think.  Am I just being an idiot, am I giving up?

The fear can consume my mind.  I hate the fear.

I need to learn to live Day by Day, to enjoy each day, to love my fullest each day, to serve and give my best each day.  I need to learn to draw closer to my Father, to trust that He loves me and is aware of my needs, and to trust that whatever happens will be what is best for me and my family. And it is so hard to do.  To put aside my own desires and just walk in faith.

I am very much afraid that I am going to die.

Sister of Jared