I'm really happy with my life as it is now. I'm not the richest, I'm not the smartest, I'm not the prettiest, I'm not the best scriptorian. But, I have a job that I love (most days). My husband loves me, challenges me, makes me better, and communicates with me. I love my home, even though it's a very small basement apartment, it fits our needs and we are blessed to have it (free rent!). I've seen my growth as a person, woman, and wife in the past couple years. I couldn't cook anything more complicated than Top Raman and I hated cleaning 2 years ago. Now, I'm always looking for new things to try to cook and...I still hate cleaning, but I get some satisfaction out of having a clean home.

My husband and I work a lot. Too much? I work a swing-ish schedule and he works graves. Not only that, but I commute about 1 hour each way. This means most days we only ever see each other for a few minutes in the morning when he wakes me up before falling asleep to last us until the weekend. I miss him dearly during the week. He rejuvenates me. His spirit uplifts me and gives me strength when I'm dragging.

Like I said, we work hard and we have plans. We're trying to plan for retirement now. He's going back to school to do something he enjoys. We want me to be able to stay home when we have children. We want to be able to travel. We want to go on mission. We want a house (anyone ever looked at the Seattle housing market?  I don't want to live in a basement apartment forever). I want the time and means to serve the women in my ward whose needs I see in Relief Society. I want missionary opportunities. I want to have enough money so I don't feel guilty when I go out to lunch or splurge on something for my home. I want enough to give of myself to those in my family and community.

Is this wanting too much? My husband thinks I'm impatient. That could be part of it. But I think there is more to it. I know the Lord will provide for my family and me because we are doing all we can to get out debt (stupid school and car loans), go to school, work hard, and make money any way we can think of. We pay our tithing and try our best at living gospel principles. However, it's almost impossible to see how all these relatively simple 'wants' can happen the way our lives seem laid out right now. I know, it's easier to have patience when you can see the end of the road. It requires more faith to walk around in the dark than know everything that lays ahead, but, oh, it does get discouraging sometimes, doesn't it? A flashlight every now and then would be nice.

I know the Lord will provide for us, but is it wrong to want more than the bare necessities? Like the security of having financial independence and stability and all the other things I listed? Is it too much? Those bare necessities (ie a house) aren't so bare and I think that's why I wonder if I'm being selfish, arrogant, and spoiled to want and ask for more. I know we need to put in our time to struggle in order to reep our rewards, but I also know there is the possibility that we may not see those rewards in this life. I hate to feel like I'm being worldly or superficial, but I also hate worrying about every dollar when I know my husband and I want to do so much. That's why I've started taking Web design classes; hopefully, I'll gain the ability to add supplemental income and do it 'full-time' from home when children arrive. See, we're trying to plan ahead and earn our keep.

I love the Lord, but I am stubborn and need to trust Him more. That's a lesson He's been trying to teach me for a while. Hopefully, I'll learn it soon, so He doesn't have to teach me too much more 'financial humility'.