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Sis Beck, Motherhood and reluctant submission

Posted On: 04/04/2008 08:17:07

I was reading the forum on Sis Beck’s talk and the back and forth on how it has been received and was going to comment, but instead decided to be blog it here. So, here are my two cents. I have been single until an age beyond what is “normal” (That’s a joke) – 27. I married, had three children, and then had single parenthood thrust upon me (for no want of my mine) for over 10 years. My children were 4, 3 and 6 months at the time. I am now remarried (for 7 years), have children out of the house and within 2 years will be an empty nester. I have been a stay-at-home mom, a full-time working mom with a career (single, and at the time when my children were in their formative years), a working-from-home mom (FT), but now PT. I guess you can say I have experienced the spectrum. I did not marry until I was 27, sort of intentionally, wanting to have experiences and never knew if I really wanted children.

Okay, so all of that background to say this. There is no other responsibility in this earthly existence that is more important than your child/children, especially in the world in which they are brought into today. No “quality” time replaces the “quantity” of time lost, when your children are in the care of someone, other than yourself. Parenthood, motherhood by its nature demands sacrifice from us. We can reason, rationalize, and in this economy even go as far as to say it is financially necessary to replace our responsibilities as mothers/parents with work, but its not. I know this is going to fan a flame to those that feel they are justified in choosing to be outside the home and my intention is not to do that. I speak from experience. I have been complimented on what great kids I have, and they are pretty cool kids, BUT, they are all struggling in one way or another. They have wrestled with feelings of abandonment, not just by their dad, but by their mom, who no longer was there for them. We are a very communicative family and for all that, there was nothing, short of being there for them, that would have helped. The church was/is wonderful in its role of “village” when I was a single parent, but it was not adequate enough for the loss.

Whether by choice or circumstance, there are consequences to putting other choices above your choice of motherhood first. That is the point that Sis Beck is trying to communicate. I do not know how many times I have cried out “what about me? Why does MY mood have to set the tone? Why do I have to be the one to…? Why is it MY responsibility to…? Why cant I be able to leave and work and YOU stay home…? And after I get quiet and vulnerable, it comes to me peacefully that its my part, its my job, its my role and that’s what He desires for me. I have learned my greatest lessons from being a mother. I have refined my best working skills from being a mother and managing my home, as I have managed my business. I have been blessed from cutting back on work and focusing more of my time on my family and my role as wife, mother and daughter of my Heavenly Father. I wish I would not have fought it so hard sometimes, but oh how I have learned the blessings from submission. Funny, I choose to submit to my Heavenly Father’s desires for me. It no longer sounds weak, but pretty powerful to me.

Tags: Motherhood Sacrifice Submission

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Viewing 1 - 6 out of 6 Comments

From: lindak

04/06/2008 19:43:16 Thank you for your insight. I have to teach a lesson at a ward conference on Sister Beck's talk. It is difficult for me since I am NOT a mother and won't be a mother in this life. So it is good to get someone's take that has experienced it all. Again, thank you for sharing.

From: aisling

04/05/2008 19:11:41

your points are so true. i raised children alone, while healing from the loss of my dreams due to my husbands choices, and the daily reminders of the new life that had to be navigated. heavenly father helped us heal and find a way, but the challenge of parenting alone was always never enough, one cant do what two working together can. the pattern of the gospel helped me to teach my kids what i couldnt show by my life, and faith helped them have enough hope to try to establish eternal marriages on their own.

From: aisling

04/04/2008 14:11:50 you have made your life a wonderful testamony of love and faith. you didnt make lemonade from all those lemons, but an exquisite chiffon pie. all the experiences will be a wealth to help your kids through their struggles.

From: madjen38

04/04/2008 11:53:34

Xhenli: You certainly can relate to the constant pull away from being a mom. Its a hard journey these days and one full of circumstance and choice. I really do believe that Sis Beck is reminding us where the priority is and it is up to us to try and make that work within the confines or our circumstances, whether it is to leave a job and make the financial sacrifice or if we cant, to reprioritize all of the "others" to allow us the energy (that really is the key) to be "present" for our families. Sometimes that means saying "no" to things that *gasp* we would never think to say no to. I honestly do not think she intended in any way to be insensitive, but rather very focused and cautionary on a trend she sees happening. When anyone holds up a mirror and tells us to reexamine our choices, its unnerving and boy she touched a nerve. I remember once asking a friend of mine to watch my small children for the day so I could go with my sister on a girls weekend away. I was single at the time, newly divorced and very very small children. I didnt even think that she would say no, but she did. She said something at the time that at first really upset me, but after some time, I got it and that was, "THIS is your season of motherhood. Its your responsibility, not mine." It was my responsibility. I found other ways in which to fill up my well and realized the courage it took her to set me straight. Our lives our seasons and when we add that into the equation, I think it helps us in coming up with the correct answer. So anyway, my point being is that we have to carefully make the choice, which can be a pretty selfless one sometimes, but honestly, its so worth it!

From: MaidservantX

04/04/2008 10:43:05

I understand you and believe you.

Creating and influencing souls is a work beyond words.

I am single and have six children between the ages of 2 and 17. I, too, have been subjected to the spectrum of life as far as having necessities I had little control over, all the way to choices place before me where sometimes I chose right, and sometimes I chose not so right; all in relation to my children, to work, to my being in the home. Even when I was married I was required to be the breadwinner.

Soon my oldest son will leave my home and begin to "seek his fortune" and his adventures in life. I have lost so much; failed so much; I have fought the devil, and it seemed that he won for a time; I have damaged my children (even though, like yours, they are amazing!). After my son leaves, then it will go quickly timewise as to the fact that all my children will leave my home one after another.

I cannot advise anyone. I think Sister Beck is not speaking AT anyone. I think she has been in some places we have been in and is presenting a gift of perception to us. (I haven't read the forum thread.) I know that I have had my own journey, and am still on it, of truly desiring to be immersed in the work of motherhood -- it hasn't come naturally to me for a variety of reasons, but I do hunger for it now.

Right now I am sooooo thankful that, at long last, with faith, and with amazing gifts from God, I now have enough income to be able to be at home with my children more or less 100 percent of the time. I know most women don't have that gift, or have that available so easily, but I am glad that I finally can simply be present in the home and do simple things like hug, play soccer, read stories, interview them about their spirituality etc etc without having the burden of going out and "Digging up roots" for my children to survive materially. I want to praise God for what he has done for me in this matter. I am a person who has many interests, so I am busy with writing, music and such -- but I find now that all I want to do is get the laundry done and make cute lunches and teach my children and play with them. Again -- I didn't always feel that way, but I'm going to take the time as they are going to be leaving soon.

Last night my 2 year old wanted me to sing him songs so that he could fall asleep in his bed. He didn't want me to leave and kept grabbing me, and saying, "Ong!" (Song!) The old me would have been upset because he was supposed to go to sleep by himself and obey me and plus I had "stuff" to do (??). But the new me . . . thankfully . . . realized . . . and she sang and sang and sang and sang . . . until he did finally fall asleep with his little hand in mine. I can't afford to miss out on anymore opportunities like that anymore.

I am still cognizant of the deep, deep struggles that we as women have and they are very valid and they exist for a reason, and haven't come out of thin air, and sometimes hearing something simplistic like Sister Beck has tried to make it (ah! simplicity!) can be . . . not seem to be the healing we need. But I say . . . thank you Sister Beck for loving us. Thank you to all the women here on lds.net and in the world who are fighting the devil every day to do God's work in the lives of souls, one way or the other, and I pray and ask God that he would have mercy on us, his daughters, and strengthen us and provide the way for us.

From: Hemidakota

04/04/2008 08:44:46 Very touching and I amaze on what women can do in this world. I know us men, are lost without them. Thanks again for your review and candorness. HD

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