There have been several blogs these past few weeks on leaving the church, coming back to the church, and friends being exposed to the church’s sometimes not so pretty and rarely talked about past digressions.  Each time I came across one, I was going to respond and then something pulled me away.  I came back and lo and behold, another one, again, sitting down to respond and would not ya know it, pulled away again.  Then I got a call last week from the bishopric, asking me to speak in church Sunday on the strengthening power of grace and specifically asked me to “get personal”.  Today, I sat down to take a peak again at the blogs and there was another post, this time from the perspective of a friendship lost due to one leaving the fold.  I guess now is my time to blog.  Nope, the phone did not ring right now either!  

I have been down this road and back again.  I lived my life doing all the right things, but not understanding what it meant when Alma said, “Have you experienced the mighty change?” (He was talking to the members there ya know!).  I did not have the right power source and a power pack big enough, with the right fuel to carry me through some pretty big events.  I had a sister and brother-in-law who started a polyamorous polygamous group in our tiny little town and stake, only to have priesthood leaders (rightfully so) basically burn anything and everything around them.   During that time, I came into contact with all the anti-Mormon, anti-Joseph literature, some fact based, some just the ranting of those that want to make trouble and that was the final blow to my power source.  I had NO idea what I believed in where the church was concerned.  I did know that HF loved me, Jesus died for me and I decided to just start over from there.  I went so far as to have my name removed from the records of the church.  I kept myself inside the Christian faith, living the laws I knew were right (morally clean, never smoked, only rarely had a drink) and kept my kids in a church and youth program as well.  To make a long (and somewhat interesting story) short, 8 years later, a degree in Religious Studies from a secular university, I started to feel that pull home.  It was time to go home.  I had gotten to this place where I realized it was so unhealthy and unreasonable for me to expect ANY leader, prophet or not, to be without sin, without flaws, without the ability to make a mistake.  Jonah, Noah, Abraham, DAVID, they ALL were with flaws, some bigger than others.  As for Joseph Smith’s flaws, goodness, at least he did not have the husband of a women he was lusting after killed!  It was all in the perspective.  I realized that I had incorrect expectations of those to whom I would follow.  The other AND MOST IMPORTANT issue was that I had to KNOW that Christ was MY Savior, he died for ME, and grace was MY gift.  That was recognizing that no matter what, Heavenly Father loved me and wanted me to be with Him.   

What was so profound in this process for me what that those who had known me my whole life, did not give up on me.  They did not nag me, but they kept themselves in my life.  They were there.  I only discussed my doubts and readings with those that I knew could handle the information (had been exposed to it) and knew they could answer my questions and guide me through the process.  I can guarantee you that most wondered if I would ever make it through.  BUT I DID!  And, I know that there is nothing that can/will cause me to walk away again.  I have been through re-baptism (my children were present and it was an awesome experience), as well as now, getting prepared in having my temple blessings restored.  

I say these things not to get kudos, cause that just feels weird, but as a testimony to anyone and everyone who has walked this road, had the doubts, read the “stuff” and questioned the validity of it all; and that when you set all the intellectual stuff aside, when you set aside all your pride, when you dig deep, there is something there, inside of you, innate within your being that will call you home.  It is YOUR process, YOUR path and YOURS to know yourself.  Let no one rush you.  Just keep moving. 

If any of you are out there, who would like to chat personally, I am here.  I know where you are, where you have been and can just be that person who is not afraid to hear the “stuff”. 

To those I have read this week who are feeling the pull home, keep moving too.  I do know the peace that it brings.  Peace, ahhh what a wonderful word!

Tags: Rebaptism Anti-mormon Literature Peace Hope