I have realized that there have been patterns in my life. They aren't good one's, in fact they destroy me from the inside out. I always thought that everyone else was beating me into the ground. And while there have been some, I am my worst enemy. My choices leave me unhappy and left wanting. Emotionally unavailable to everyone, opening up to no one. Hurting people I am supposed to love and care for. And why?

Well, I know my shrink will tell me it's because of my childhood. Having, what seemed to me. a fairly normal childhood. Then all the sudden finding out that you aren't supposed to be intimate with your dad. In fact that he was supposed to protect you from people that do that. That daughters aren't meant to be treated like a wife. I had no idea. Then the rug was pulled. My mom not knowing what to do sided with him (as always) helping him, being there for him. I was left with brothers who were resentful of me sending thier dad away and a mom who was so distraught that she worried about him. But she left me. Left me to deal with it by myself. To figure out life and all the heartache. Of course all the choices I made went downhill from there. I don't know of very many choices that were made without the need to be loved at all costs. I am tired of the excuse though. It seems like I should be able to make rational choices and not keep going back to that emptiness. But it always returns. Even though I went through the conseling that the church provided, they never told me how I would be broken inside. That I wasn't going to be magically fixed and live happily ever after, even thought that's what they implied. How was I to know it would plague me until I destroyed myself? That there is a huge cankering wound in my soul that only grows with each day? That sin doesn't matter because you have no feelings anyway? Empty doesn't even begin to descibe the feelings, or lack thereof.

And I have no idea how I let it get this far.

No one in my life should be subjected to this awfulness. I want to push everyone away. Away from the dark hole that holds me, so no one has to be near it and yet I want to hold on to them for dear life. What's best for them? I don't know. I guess I have to let them choose. To hold on or walk away. They will all have to choose. Which ever they choose is hard. It's all hard, it all hurts and I will still have to fix all this madness inside.
I have no doubts about fixing what's wrong. I simply can not live. I can't be whole like this and I never will until it gets fixed. And no one can do it but me. I used to think that someone I loved could come in and love me, make it go away. I was even very awful to him, making him think that my problems were his fault because he couldn't fix them and I thought he could. If he just did "enough" that I would be whole again. Hopefully someday he will be able to forgive me for being so ignorant about that and a lot of other things.
Peace is the goal. To be at peace with myself and with my family. To accept the things that we can't change. That the past is the past and I don't have to live there anymore. I can't change the past, but I can change the future for all of us.

I just wish is wasn't going to be so hard........................