Depression is an interesting thing. It comes when you least expect it.  When you think you have changed, life has changed, others have changed. Isn't it interesting to look back and realize that nothing has changed. Maybe on the outside, but everything is the same on the inside. Maybe depression never really goes away. You can mask it, hide it, imagine it away, medicate it, but it is always there. Like a constant companion, always there for you when no one else is. It's sad when you really want things to change and they don't. But then how can you expect change when you can't do it yourself? Just wanting everything to change except you, change for you and around you. Sounds selfish but it's true.
Does trust ever really come back? I'm starting to think no. I don't think I have ever trusted anyone who has hurt or lied to me and I don't think that I am anymore trustworthy than they are to me. I can try but to me everything is a lie, whether it is small and insignificant or huge and important. When people talk, I think yeah they are lying out their butt. I don't see anyone as being honest or real. Everyone is pretending. Why I don't know. Why do we have to pretend? Why do we have to be someting we might not be? So afraid of what others will think.
I hate being told my feelings are invalid. That my lack of meds is talking instead of me. Are my feelings only valid if I'm medicated? Just because I am less prone to share how I really feel when I have the meds are those my real feelings? My real self? That in itself is depressing. A couple of weeks ago I lost my temper so bad I left the house and drove away. I totally get why that crazy mom off of Oprah jumped off a bridge. Litterally jumped or tried to anyway. Amazing that our feelings can push us so far off the deep end.