I must first start off by saying how GRATEFUL I am for this site, I only wish chat was open 24 Hours to help in difficult times.

So if you read my previous entry, you'll recall that I have been away and pushed my faith as far away as I could for sometime.  Not to get overly detailed, I certainly let go of "the rod of iron" and fell of "the path" all because of my free agency and choosing the path of the adversary over Christ and his plans.

I have been back now for two months, attending services every week, studying/pondering scriptures, being counseled and advised by my Bishop,  praying several times a day with both gratitude and a repentent heart, attending my necessary recovery meetings (both AA and LDS Recover), doing everything (I  think) I can to be of maximum service to my fellows. So here's what happened....

I bought a new puppy yesterday (his name is Nephi) earlier in the day. I returned home after my Wednesday night AA bonfire meeting, and I noticed a gentleman walking across the complex parking lot with a recognizable book in his hand (missionary version of the BofM). I did not know this fella, but said "hey" and walked over to him. I said something like "good book" and told him that I am also a member of the church, he hasn't been baptized yet but from the little conversation (as other people were around) we had he appeared to be accepting what he was reading. I told him if he ever wanted to talk, study scriptures tat I was in apartment such and such.

As I walked back to my apartment, I was like so happy and thrilled. What a way to end a great day. I got the pup down, did my nightly prayer, read some in Mosiah, and laid my head on my pillow for what I thought would be a good nights sleep. I slept very little and had several night terrors of me killing myself. I was so frightened I woke up at 0430 and stayed awake, brewed some coffee (which I hadn't drank in several days) and smoked some cigarettes (which I was 8 days smoke free till then). I even prayed and asked for guidance.

I was angry (which I'm not much of an angry person) all day, I felt like I had lost another battle. I carried on the rest of the day (with very little social interaction). I recieved a call but intentionally let it go to voicemail, because I figured it was the Bishop. Sure enough I checked it about an hour later and it was him informing me that we wouldn't be able to have our weekly meeting do to another obligation, he did close the voicemail letting me know that several members of the ward had spoken to him about me positively.

I went to my LDS Recovery meeting and kept fighting off the urge (aka the Spirit) to share and finally I couldn't keep it in no longer.  I shared about the night terrors and all of today and how it is truely unfair for me to work so hard and I almost of a mental breakdown. I just couldn't understand it, I had tried to figure it out but couldn't. I felt something in that room tonight that I've never felt around a group of individuals.....I felt a POWER of REAL harmonious brotherly & sisterly love.

I am retaking my spirituality from the adversary, and will fight for it till my dying mortal breath. I am at this point committing as a group of Lamanites (Anti-Nephi-Lehies) did "to believe and know the truth...firm, and would suffer even unto death" to fight the devil from any temptations he sets before me and I will do this because I believe and have faith in my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. For they are my foundation and my keystone!