I was doing what I do best...driving and not paying attention to the road. I was jamming out on my iPod, listening to the tunes that really get my groove on and it came to me... My life stinks!!! Ok, so that was not the end of the thought fortunately but it was significant at the time. My brain had faded into its usual remorseful, ego driven, "what the?" kind of deal when it hit me like truck full of poo. I am the happiest I have been since high school!!!! How could that be you ask? You just said that you life stinks? If it stinks and this is the happiest you have been... how crappy was your life anyway???????

I had to chuckle because even to me, that sounded really strange, however it was true. My life has been turned inside out, beaten with a stick until its common sense resembled lime Jello, run over by a tractor and handed back to me in pieces like a puzzle of a fat guy in a Speedo... its just WRONG!!! I am the happiesty I have ever been... and its the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

Its easy to see the glass half full.. with a drowned fly in it... and the lipstick of the previous user still on the rim... but its so much harder to see that same glass and know that you are merrily drinking from it knowing that its better than any other glass you have ever used in your life. Why do I see it that way you ask? Because I can!!! I mean seriously, when your done making lemonaid from the lemons that life has delivered, you might as well sit and swill on it on the front porch where everyone else can see you doing it. The drama in my life has led me to one place... and to steal the lyrics from a Christina Aguilera song..."thanks for making me a FIGHTER". THAT IS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT! I have been run over by a train yet I still have every faculty left to notice it:-)I lived through it. Its over. My life is renewed through Gods mercy and tender love.... and I can look at it all now and know that it was just a test... a test of the "emergency Savior" system. I lost the love of my life... the one that dang near drowned me and took my resolve to live. I lost my ability to be a completely free man... and that freedom was an excuse to ignore the more important things in life. I lost every physical thing of value... and found that it had no value at all in my life anyway. I lost my kids (only temporarily BTW)... and that taught me the hard lesson of "love them now because one day they could be gone, and you will be sorry that you missed some very important times in their lives". What I lost has returned in MUCH greater proportions and now I am ready for the challenge of doing it right. Fighter. I most definitely am...From my knees in HIS will.

I may be covered in mud right now...but I KNOW how to get it off.

...and then I ate some crackers... had to get that in there since its in the title. Right? Ok.

Grant

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I wrote a blog titled "The power of hate" a couple months ago and I am taking this full swing the other direction.

I was commenting on how strong the adversary is and how influential his works can be in our lives. Hate and anger are two of his most powerful functions and it is SOOOO easy to fall into that trap. My life has been filled with situations that have made me unhappy with someone and in a couple situations, actually despising someone for their actions against me. Its sad really. I let Satan get my goat... and I was the only one that paid for the anger. The person I was angry with received nothing for it and that made me even angrier. Lately I have had a tough go of it with my feelings towards my wife, of whom is abandoning 16 years of marriage. I have mentioned it before so its really not new news but I feel that its important to hear the lessons that I have learned in this drama in case it helps to put a different perspective on something you are going through.

I am no scriptorian. Not even close. I know what I know from reading them but I could not cite or even find a specific reference if my life depended on it. I was in a conversation with a boneheaded Bishop (the man behind the desk, not the actual position itself) and it was regarding repentance and the Atonement. We got into a conversation about forgiving someone and then "forgetting" their trespass against us. He boldly told me, in his PERSONAL opinion of course, that we have to forgive but we will never forget and that the scriptures say specifically that we don't have to. I had to cry foul becuase all the references that I have ever read say basically 'forgive 7 times 70' or 'turn the other cheek' and even to forgive and forget.

I know that we will never really "forget" a trespass against us. Its not human nature to do so. When someone has offended you it becomes burned into the brain that they are not to be trusted like that again. I agree with that process as I still remember many things that were done against me through the course of my life but I do know that I have forgiven them for those trespasses and I'd like to say that I have even 'forgot' the trespass simply becuase they have proven to me that they were sincere in asking for forgiveness. We are not to hold a grudge. Period.

What the guy was trying to tell me was that he felt it ok to "forgive the sin but never trust them again". Hmmm. Doesn't it say somewhere that any man who gives of a gift grudgingly might as well have not given it at all? I guess if you were in a position where you were sinned against by someone and you forgave them and they proved that they were not worthy of your trust that you would have reason to not put yourself in that position again. After all, you can only be a victim once, especially if you allow them to do it again. However, you have to try or forgiveness is worthless.

I am learning that forgiveness is unconditional. If I am going to truly forgive someone for their actions I have to truly let it go. It is a forgetting of sorts. I can not hold it against them, use it for leverage later on in life and I MUST acept my own forgiveness and not allow judgement for it. I may not trust them to the same depths that I did before, until they prove that they are worthy of that trust, but I can not hold it over their head. Burn me once, your bad. Burn me twice, my bad.

I love my wife dearly. She has made some rash decisions from her perspective of me. I can't change that. I forgive her. I pity her. I wish that she truly understood the Atonement and what it means in our lives. God will forgive. Christ paid for it. I will forgive. I owe it to Him. Maybe one day she will understand the power of forgiveness. Its much stronger than hate and its far more fulfilling in your life. Hate degrades your soul, forgiveness patches up the holes and fills it with light.

Grant

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Ok... this is a musically driven blog today...again...

I was cruising through my music library of songs and spent some time listening to the lyrics of Matthew Wests' "History" song. I so needed this today, as its a Monday and for some weird cosmic reason Mondays seem to suck for me emotionally...and not because I have to work cause I have Mondays off;-) It just seems to be a pattern that Mondays bring me the biggest emotional drain.

My past has been rubbed in  my face by a number of sources and it seems to never end but I guess its to be expected. Until everyone truly "gets" the atonement there will be those who wish to destroy others to make themselves feel better... but I digress. Fortunately for me God is the only one that really matters in the end and the opinions of others that are contrary to His works are wasted energy anyway. I have a few great friends that love me for me and not for my stupidity or denseness or just dumb luck in making decisions that guide my life. For those of you... thank you. You are an incredible support to me.

So, before I got off on a weird tangent there, I thought this song was especially fitting for me today and I am sure that it may be fitting for someone else too so I copied the lyrics for you. They included the liner notes from his CD at the end and I think that its really cool. Read away:

History

It's been a bad day
You've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes
A world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe Let me refresh your memory

CHORUS
Yesterday is history And history is miles away
So, leave it all behind you
But let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history in the making, in the making?
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making

Philippians 3:13-14, 1 Timothy 1:12-17
'Everyone's past is filled with imperfections. The scriptures say, "...All have sinned..." But the second we recognize how much we need forgiveness and ask God for His grace to save us, it's done. Now if you're anything like me, that seems to be only half the battle. For me, the hardest part is forgiving myself. The mistakes I've made try to haunt me, follow me and remind me that I'm no good. The failures of yesterday become the regrets of today; the regrets of today become the discouragement of tomorrow, and before you know it, the future starts looking more and more like the past. The Bible speaks clearly to all of us sinners, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-and I was the worst of them all (1 Timothy 1:15)." It's that simple, we're saved. All that stuff that we used to wear around our hearts like a two-ton weight, that's all history now. But the story doesn't end there. God's love can make history of your past. He forgives and forgets. Now it's time to move forward into a life of grace. Because, the truth is, God isn't done with you yet. Your life from here on out, starting with the next breath you breathe, is history in the making! What if we lived every single second ready and willing for God to do something great with our lives? This entire project is for anyone who has ever made a mistake. God's grace can forgive you. It's up to you to forgive yourself. The crazy thing is, even as I write this, and even as you read this, history is in the making!' - Matthew West

By Matthew West / (c) 2005 Word Music, LLC/Westies Music Publishing, admin. by Word Music, LLC (ASCAP). All rights reserved. Used by permission. International copyright secured.

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Man is my life strange...

Its been said and pondered by many... did we chose our lives before we came or did we chose simple circumstances with fixed outcomes? I can't say that I have a crystal ball to sort that mess out but I do know one thing... my life just keeps getting stranger and more humbling each and every day.

I found out through a long chain of gossip network on one end and through the even longer chain of my own kids... who were not supposed to say anything BTW... that I am going to be a grandpa... at 36... by my daughter that said "I won't be having any kids until I am AT LEAST 20!". Hmmmmmmm Interesing. Kinda funny:-)

My oldest has estranged herself from me due to some strange and highly confused circumstances and its easier for her to ignore me than to deal with it right now. That is ok I guess. She has to live her own life and if she doesn't want me to be part of it I can't do anything about it. Someday...maybe... she will speak to me again. We shall see I guess. BUT... she is expecting and now I feel OLD!!! I still feel in my 20's, mentally anyway, and she is making MY grandparents... well, GREAT GREAT Grandparents. How often does that happen? Anyway...

I am happy for her. She needs to take her life by the horns and figure it out. I guess that jumping in with both feet is one way to do it. I would not have suggested it be this way but again... its her life to live. That is the beauty of Gods plan. We make our own decisions and live with their consequences. So... soon I will be a grandpa. Thats cool. Bring it on! I love her so very much and I pray for her daily. She is a good kid and I am proud of her. Hopefully she can do better with the same path that her parents walked... hopefully she can break the chain that destroyed my marriage.

I also found out that my son with Aspbergers is finally losing it. He has been on meds for a number of years now and they have had to start pushing him on more and different meds. He is having far more episodes of anger and violence... at the young age of 13... and it sounds like my wife is beginning to wonder if he won't have to be put in a group home. She didn't say that in as many words but it really sounds like she is not able to keep him under control anymore. Its really sad as this ramped up after they moved out... which I knew was going to happen but nobody cares what I think right now. I want to be part of his life but too many people are doing their government magic to keep us apart. I guess in all things Gods will be done. If He wants me there, He will provide a way.

My other two kids told my parents that they love me very much and they miss me TONS. That made my day too. Someday soon, hopefully, guys... someday soon.

My life is in Gods hands. I am His. I get it and i submit...completely...without doubt. I do truly get it. The harder i fight His will... the less my will is effective for anything but torment. So, I gave it ALL to God. I have been blessed beyond anything that i could have ever wanted and its all through HIM. There are still trials and indignities to come. I KNOW this to be true. That is ok. My testimony is stronger than anyone could ever take away. If I died tomorrow... I know that it was Gods will that I did so. He is so gracious. He is so loving. He is so patient... and He must have a great sense of humor.

Love to my kids... and even my soon to be ex-wife. You have all taught me a lot.

Grant

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1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Sadly... no. But my parents were born first.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Lately? Almost daily unfortunately.

3. SO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I could be a doctor...

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Operative word is MEAT.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 4

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I'd probably hate me because we would be too much alike.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Duh...Isn't that a sauce?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? They are hanging out as usual.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR IN THE WORLD...

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Anything containing meat...sadly I have not found one yet.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends on if I am running across the house to go to the bathroom or not.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically yes... the other strengths? Not a chance in heck.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Free

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Odors

15. RED OR PINK? Pink... cause it matches my belt and shoes.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? The LEAST? What? You don't want a list?

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My sanity. Sucks when that guy leaves for sure!!

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?Why do I need my own answers?

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Are you a stalker?

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? MEAT!!!!!!!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The people in the room laughing at my seemingly honest answers...

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? The shavings in the sharpener part of the box. They make cool window art when you melt them in the oven... Public Service Announcement: Don't forget them in the oven and then try and broil chicken. Not so good as a flavoring!!!

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?Meat!!!

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The guy trying dilligently to sell me something that I didn't want. I hung up on him.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS? Depends... Who sent this?

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? The fights where a hockey game spontaneously broke out.

27. HAIR COLOR? SHORT!!!

28. EYE COLOR? No thanks.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Could never see them to put them in.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Oh geez... MEAT!!!

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Depends

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The one I didn;t sleep through... but I don't remember which one that was.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Fleshy skin tone one. I got it for my birthday.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? So what? Don't I get one that has a realistic temperature in it?

35. HUGS OR KISSES? I like the whole package

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake... just becauseI have not found one made with meat... that i like anyway.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? The ambulance... they are pretty darn dependable!!!

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My stimulus check...

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? This one...

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mouse, silly:-)

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? The screen... No really, I did.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? " You have just won the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes... and with it comes a truckload of MEAT!!!" Sadly that has not happened yet though... Then maybe I'd invent a breakfast cereal made from meat!!!

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?  Lets see... rocks or bugs? Tough choice. Aren't Beatles made of meat?

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? That place that my van broke down... I Europe I think it was...

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Sarcasm... and grilling meat!!!!

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Washington... great apples... not so good for meat though.;

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Anyone that doesn't flame me for blatant sarcasm:-)

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? Hmmmm. I am hungry...

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Man, this has been one incredible week already for me and I have not really "gotten out of the chute yet"...to quote a rodeo term. The last couple weeks have been a severely wild ride and in a good way for once. As I have mentioned in a prior blog I took part in an LDS ARP group. For those of you who do not know what ARP is... it stands for Addiction Recovery Program. Now I am not neccesarily addicted to anything... ok, truth be told I have an insatiable thirst for soda...Mountain Dew, Coke, Sierra Mist... whatever, but that is not why I am attending this group:-) I KNOW why I like soda so much and that is because I HATE water so much. The key here is my participation in the group and I voluntarily started to attend a new group because I want to learn more about me than I currently know... which I am finding out is less than you would think would make sense...if that makes any sense;-)

This group is administrated by my Elders Quorum President who used to be a facilitator in Utah groups. My attendance, for me, is neccesary to cause a "mighty change of heart" for me as the key point of this ARP group is to create "fearless and honest inventory of yourself" and I feel that is important if I want to be the faithful and dedicated servant that Heavenly Father wants and needs in me. I have committed to it many times and yet I still fall so short and I felt it time to do that inventory.

The course has a book that is basically the Alcoholics Anonymous handbook, condensed and annotated, and including Book of Mormon references along withthe Bible. Its called "He did Deliver Me From Bondage" by Colleen Harrison. I have been diligently reading through this book and trying to diary my thoughts and feelings from this course and today I found an interesting quote in an Ensign article that was part of this weeks reading.

This article comes from the July '89 issue of the Ensign called Born of God. I read a key point in there and dang near fell out of my chair. Here is the part tht hit me...

**President David O. McKay tells of a singular event that happened to him. After falling asleep, he said he “beheld in vision something infinitely sublime.” He saw a beautiful city, a great concourse of people dressed in white, and the Savior.

“The city, I understood, was his. It was the City Eternal; and the people following him were to abide there in peace and eternal happiness.

“But who were they?

“As if the Savior read my thoughts, he answered by pointing to a semicircle that then appeared above them, and on which were written in gold the words:

“These Are They Who Have Overcome the World—Who Have Truly Been Born Again!***

OVERCOME THE WORLD!!! We are all struggling in our lives for one reason or another and it really all boils down to fighting the struggles and OVERCOMING. Not dealing with, not hiding from, not analyzing until we paralyze from, but facing them with faith and allowing God to help us OVERCOME them. Ok, so maybe that is not that profound but the last part really sets it in concrete... " Who have been truly born again". Its not a sinlge road but a journey towards being truly Born Again. The Evangelicals get all "Bible Bus Riding Crazy" over being born again and how that saves you and we just look at them and shrug our shoulders at their enthusiasm but it really is true. Being born again in our lives is a requirement to return home with honor and overcoming the world is how to do just that.

So... to continue on with the path of what a number of blogs have talked about over the last couple days... mine included... enduring to the end and truly working to overcome the world is the main key to finding happiness for the eternities in the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Kingdom.

In my path through the ARP program, I am learning that there are key things in my life that I am not grasping that are allowing me to just coast through the world on a daily basis and not get the best out of everything. Hopefully I can pass on to you what I am learning... I'll keep you posted.

Grant

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Weird things happen for the weirdest reasons... is that a double negative? or a double positive?I'm positive that its got to be a negative... in some form or 'other.

I read Witty's blog... got tied up in a contemplative mood, trying to sort out the insanity in MY life in reference to my past and reflecting on the stuff that she is dealing with and then went to decide what to eat for dinner. Fish sticks? Chicken Nuggets? Something that doesn't come in a bag, preprepared in the freezer? I settled, for now, on lemon cake which was not even in the top 50 items I had thought of before, it was just easier than doing anything coming close to "preparing" dinner.

What powers this mood? I feel a bit lost, a bit melancoly (probably not spelled right I know... and its not a dog that loves cantaloupe). Listening to Dan Fogelberg music will do that to you too. Maybe that is my problem? Ok, so I decided on fish sticks AND chicken nuggets AND tater tots. Thats a freezer trifecta that is guaranteed to make the comfort food top ten. They are all good with tarter sauce and that makes my condiment choice simple. I need simple right now. This mood makes simplicity golden.

I looked up articles on perseverance at the church website and there was an article there on this subject, of which I can't directly quote or probably even tell right but it caught my attention. He talked about using his old crystal radio set to find a radio frequency and I thought for awhile about how i am in "that" generation of people that really got to see some HUGE technology changes and items of convenience make the scene. I know what a crystal set is becuase I played with that stuff as a young kid. It was just outside of my time but it was science after all and now everything is digital and there is no "gray areas" in communications. You either get it or you don't. There is no such thing as a scratchy phone conversation like there was in the first phones in the 80's. I had the first "flip" when they came out in 1990. That was a brick compared to the stuff we talk on now. I actually lost my phone in my pocket with my keys and some change a year ago. I had to get a bigger phone. That was just too weird.

So anyway, as I got all derailed by cell phones, the thought that came to mind was that those crystal set radios were really hard to tune because you were relying on finding the right spot on a ROCK that would give you the best reception of a specific radio signal. It was like finding a very tiny needle in a haystack the size of New York. While reading that article I felt the immense stress that comes from trying to do things MY way instead of according to Gods will. I likened it to that radio set. Its so easy to try to find his will and then give up becuase your rock just is not cooperating with you. You are trying to get the signal from Heavenly Father and its just not tuning in. You go it alone and its just not right and you sit wondering why it just isn't working for you.

Perseverance is the key. I looked it up and came to 2 conclusions: The middle part of the word is scarily close to "severe", which is how crappy my life feels at times and the other words tied to it as doggedness, steadfastness, persistence, and tenacity are VERY agressive words. It took perseverance to tune a crystal set radio to listen to the radio waves and its the exact same to listem to the Spirit. You can't haphazardly grab His voice out of thin air for even a second without it going away again. To have a dedicated connection with Him you have to work at it diligently and it takes every effort you have. You must be steadfast in you resolve to deny anything evil in your life. You must be tenacious in your studying to fight the adversary's untruths and to gain that testimony that is uniquely yours. You must be persistently humble so that the still small voice can permeate your soul and be amplified in your heart.

The problems that we face are nothing more than tests to see if we can just stick it out at all costs or "endure to the end". We learn great truths in the tests and we strengthen our resolve to follow God.

So I went from fish sticks to existential thought...*urp* and the fish sticks were good. Bummer its Sunday... I could really use a soda:-)

Grant 

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I was talking with some friends the other day and I was able to finish one of those thoughts that starts a month prior and comes to a complete thought awhile later:-)

We were talking about how we came to a relationship with Christ and God in our lives and I told my story about some past experiences I have had and the lightbulb turned on and I had that thought completed. I was talking about how I was laying on a thin cold mattress on the bottom bunk of a cold steel bed, sitting in the back of the room of a jail cell. I was feeling violated that i was even there in the first place. I was thinking to myself " this is all wrong. I don't belong here. I am not a jailbird. How am I going to defend myself from the untruths and the wrongs that have been committed against me?" I was looking at the writing on the bottom of the bunk above me and some people prior to my being there, had written their names on the bottom of the bunk. A couple of them said " xxxxxx Was here, (insertdatehere)" I got to thinking that I was at the bottom of the preverbial barrel. I could not go any lower in life and I wanted out but I had no options before me to do so. It was a matter of time and i was alone. i wanted to scratch my name there too but that to me was wrong. I know, I am IN jail and I am thinking that defacing jail property was wrong. Guess that shows what kind of person I really am huh? Anyway, I was only there for a few days until I could arrange to get out and fight this battle from the outside of the cell.

I was pondering those messages on the bottom of the bunk and I decided that even though I had not gone through the act of defacing the bunk, I really had written my name there. The part that struck me the other day was that the lettering on the bunk said I "WAS" Here. I was no longer there. I had risen from the bottom of the barrel to push forward in life. The bottom of the barrel is not neccesarily a jail cell. It can be lonliness, suffering, intolerance, stress, many things in life when you have just lost control and you have just hit bottom in your life. Many of you have signed your name on the bottom of the barrel. I know, I saw most of your signatures there (figuratively of course). The most amazing thing though was this: There was ONE signature in that preverbial barrel that was different. It said " I am still here" - Jesus Christ

I may have been sitting in a cell but I was not alone. I had no cell mate to speak of but Jesus was there with me and He was trying to let me know that He was STILL there. Not one person that has ever been at the bottom of the barrel has been alone and Jesus was there to pick you up, dust off the junk and give you a foot stool to stand on to start your progression back out of that barrel.

An interesting epiphany... An interesting way to look at it. 

Grant 

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I have read so many blogs over the last couple weeks with people that were going through some intense pain in their lives stating that they just felt like they were about to crack or give up or throw in the towel... or something in that vane. I have been there in my life and I wanted to bring some of this into perspective a little if I may?

First things first... there are a ton of people here that have all experienced their fair share of serious heartache and indignities. So many of us KNOW what it feels like to deal with these trials and tribulations for days, weeks, months, and for many of us... lifetimes. I know how the times have rolled for me and there was just times I have wanted to "chuck it all" and just be over with it. I can empathise with most of you in your trials and how you feel because its just part of my life too. Unfortunately, the words of comfort that we all try and convey really are not a good stop gap. I have many friends here that love and support me in my trials and I them, but no one here can subdue and remove the pain like my HEavenly Father. Its nice to not be alone in my trials but God is the only one that can really put a dent in the pain.

I have spent many hours typing messages to people here just to vent... and likewise have received as many messages, of which I feel blessed to be trusted with peoples pain. I thank you all for that outlet for my struggles. Each and every one of you that open yourselves up to me allows me to heal also and every time I speak with one of you about yours or my pain I am blessed with answers to prayers.This is what our faith is about.

I wanted to drop a little note on this subject that I have learned over many years of struggles and that you MUST be careful what you think. We know that the adversary watns us BAD. He will do anything to take us from our eternal progression. I said in a blog that each day has a reset button (essentially sleep) that you hit each day to end that day and reset yourself for tomorrow. This is a convenient button because its always there. There is one more reset button in our lives (and its not the repentance reset function that i am talking about... thats the "do over" button:-) This reset button is final and "giving up" is only one step away from punching that button.

Its so easy for us to just want to stop fighting the adversary's blows and give in to the taunting that he is dishing out. Sometimes its just easier to admit defeat however that gets you awful close to the cliff. I am talking about not just giving up but ending it all... getting off the roller coaster... pushing up daisies. For some, "giving up" is not that rash, its just a way of saying ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!! For others its a real thought and it becomes all consuming. I was there 4 months ago. The only thing that stopped me was that i KNOW that to give up in this way means only one thing... I neutralized the Atonement and its powers to correct any screw up I have committed. Taking away the future opportunity to repent and move forward in your life is not just a death sentence for you mortally. its a final word on the spiritual end too. We MUST endure to the END... the natural end, not the self inflicted one. God promises us that no matter how brutal life is here on earth, He will bless us beyond our comprehension in the eternities if we just stick it out and endure to the end. He has said that for us to experience extreme blessings we must first endure major trials first. Not one of us in the world want to be flogged like some of us are but its part of the plan and we MUST ENDURE TO THE END!!!.

Your thoughts are what guide and direct you and if you allow for even a second the thoughts of defeat take over you, you will allow Satan to tempt you to give up. He wins and you don't. If he wins, your eternal life will be hampered or even stopped. I know that life at times just plain sucks but i also know that the more it sucks the more chances I have to prove my metal and earn the blessings that He will shell out for me in the end. God loves me. He loves you. He wants to shower us with gifts... we just have to be ready for them. There is opposition in all things and I know that I want to return to Him in the end. Though I feel defeated at times, I will never toss inthe towel.

Keep your head up, pray to Heavenly Father for help, know that life is just but a burp in time and that it will all be worth it in the end. My prayers are with all of you in your trials.

Love you ALL

Grant 

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