nothing more to say.

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Being by yourself is lonely.  But being with someone else is even lonelier.  Being rejected and forgotten by your creator is the loneliest !   I have also discovered that the cursing words of a friend, is like a teasing death.  The smile from that same friend, is like a teasing hell.  The cursing words with a smile, is hell in itself !

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To destroy your own soul, is an accomplishment that nobody else can have, but yet so few choose to do it.  To destroy your love is an accomplishment that brings out your own inner bitterness and hell, but yet so many choose to do it.  To destroy your love and your soul, is accomplished once you try no more.

GF

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Its never too late to play in the river.  One of these days, when nobody is looking, Im gonna go to the river, sit on the sand with my legs crossed, and make a sand castle.  And the one I will make will have a ditch to the water, so that the waves can come close to the castle.  Maybe the ditch will go all around the castle.  And Im gonna make the castle really tall.  And after that, I will rinse off in the river, get all the sand off my legs and butt!  

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One of my favorite fruit are peaches.  I like the furry skin and the juicy inside.  My least favorite part is the very hard pit that is deeply lodged inside.  Too bad peaches couldnt be seedless.  You know, I think our soul is alot like a peach.  The outside of the peach can change... it can be bruised, it can have spots, even different colors.  But inside, you will always find, deeply lodged, is that hard pit.  That part wont change.  As I look at my soul, I question if there is anything I can do to change my soul.  Or is my soul, my soul.  Like a peach, is there anyway of growing a peach without a pit inside.  Can we alter our souls.  Can we change who we are, deep inside.  Im not saying I would want to change my soul.........  well okay, I am.  But to what.  If I had a choice, what would it be.  If you could change a peach, and remove the inside pit, what would you replace it with.  Maybe another layer of furry skin, or maybe the inside can be a pocket of fresh, cold and sweet juice.  In the meantime, while I figure out how to get pitless peaches, I will strive to alter my soul, to become who I want to be.  To strengthen and enlighten my inner soul to recognize that beauty that lies within the realms living life.

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The other day, I was sitting on a picnic table over by the lake.  I could feel the cool breeze come off the water and flow through my hair.  The sky was a deep blue, beautiful to the eye.  The water, as calm as glass, would make anybody thirsty for the breath of freshness it gave off.   Off in the distance, I spotted a butterfly.  It flew around, just slightly above the blades of the grass.  As I watched it, it headed towards me, dancing in the air like a professional balerina.  Before I knew it, it landed on my finger.  Its wings stretched out, showing off her colors.  She was the most beautiful butterfly I ever saw.  Orange, red and thin lines of black that could not be expressed without the most intimate imaginations.

As it sat on my finger, she began to tell me about her life.  About her joys and her fears.  Oh, the things that makes her happy.  We got along so well.  What made me enjoy our little, yet so powerful conversation, was that she was at total ease.  She didnt flicker.  She didnt try to escape.  She found a new home.  This was her home.

As the sun began to set, I got up and headed home.  The butterfly would not get off my finger.  This was my new love.  We chatted up a storm all the way home.  It wasn't all about her either.  She left lots of room to listen and to be inspired by my own thoughts and wisdom on life.  She appreciated my perspective, and my own love on how I see this world.

As I got to my door, I realized how perfect this world was, through the eyes of this butterfly.  At that point, we departed.  She slowly got up, and leaped into the air.  Tears and smiles, she flew away.  Dancing amongst the top of the blades of grass, heading back towards the water.  I stopped, and watched as long as I could.  Already missing her. 

As I was about to turn around, I took one last look.  There, I saw, her heading towards someone sitting at a picnic table, off the shorline.  She danced in front of him, and landed on his finger. 

It was then, at that point, that I realized, I was a sucker.  A fool.  The stupid one.  I gave in, and Lost.  Once again. 

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My last blog. 

My final thoughts on what has been an exhaustive and meaningless journey.  This is the ultimate fear, that I will now face.  There is no winner in this one.  Just a loser.  The weight of it all is unforgiving.  To merely exist, just to exist, is not a real existance.  The brightest star that now shines in the heavens, is as dark as a stormy night.  Those who have assisted, have not done so in vain.  Just like one who tries to win a race, but comes second, is still a winner, for they have tried.

Where my journey leads to now, only He knows.  And Im not asking.

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I dont want to feel this anymore.  How do I get out of it.  How do I stop this.  The pain is now overwhelming.  Its tormenting.  I want to say goodbye, but dont know how.  I need help, but where do I find it.  I am so low. I will never forgive myself.  I am hated so much.  I ruined them.  But I didnt mean to.  How could it be so hard.  And if I didnt mean to, why do they hate me... why am I so hard to love.  What am I doing wrong.  I ... dont want this anymore.  Please hear me.  Im begging you, please hear me. 

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This is it.  I can no longer be what I am, or who I am.  Whatever that is, I dont know.  But I do know, that the time has come.  The end of this is near.  Someone recently told me its Sink Or Swim.  I don't really like those to be my options.  But they are.  I wish it didn't come to this, but it did.  I almost feel a sense of relief, that the line has come.  But more overwhelmingly, I feel scared.  No, not feel scared.  I am scared.

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