Technically I should be doing homework right now but I really dont want to. I figure I'll still do something productive and write a blog instead.

Wow... it seems like forever since I've updated. Um... so Tom and I decided to be less serious a few months back. He's written me twice since then. I let his family know what was going on. They love me still the same. His sister is getting married and wants me to be there and his mom still wants to hang out. I haven't hung out with her though because I really just dont see the point in forming family ties when as it stands, there's no hope for anything coming of it. Tom has written me probably twice since things "ended." Both of those were short and platonic. I've written him maybe 3 times and mine are friendly as well. I have no idea what is going to happen. I think he's pretty much given up hope and I think I'm okay with that. He wants to focus on his mission and figure out the romance stuff when he gets home. I think that's fine but I also think there will be no romance when he gets home. Depending on how you look at it, that's unfortunate but my relationship with Tom has been an incredible learning experience. I was able to develop my character and testimony and really learn a few things. We were both inspired to go on missions. We really just opened up a new phase in each others lives for each other. It's unfortunate in that Tom and I really were a good match. I wont dwell but if he isn't the one, then someone else is.

Speaking of that someone else, Daniel got home from his mission January 23rd. After not seeing him for 2 years, I walked up to him and stood in front of him as he was talking on the phone. We embraced and I started crying on his chest. The entire day he held my hand and wanted me by his side. We kissed that very night. It really seemed like we just picked up where we left off. No awkwardness.. no doubt.. nothin. After a rough patch because of the whole Tom and Sister Swensen thing.. yes, he found a sister missionary while he was in the field... (He obeyed all the rules though. Nothing inappropriate or disoedient.)... it was absolute bliss. He wants to get married and even had me strongly tempted to stay home from my mission and get married. Oh gosh, how I love that man. 

I've been sincerely and diligently seeking an answer to what I am supposed to do. I want more than anything to serve my mission but I know of the Brethren's counsel to women concerning which should come first. Despite MY choice to serve a mission, I am trying to keep an open mind and heart to what The Lord wants me to do. As much as I want to serve, I want to do what is RIGHT even more. I know that The Lord has the answer so whatever He says, goes. Until (If) The Lord makes it 110% clear that I am to get married, I am going to prepare and plan on serving my mission.

About a few days before I got my mission call, Daniel and I started fighting a lot. We still kind of are. I dont know what's up. I just know I dont like it. I dont feel the "bliss" and certainty I felt only weeks ago. Of course in my mind, he's always the one at fault. But the responsible and mature part of me can't help but wonder if it really is mine. I was reading some old emails from 2004 (!!!!) from him and I used to make him so happy. I used to make everything in the world alright for him. Now I feel like I just make him unhappy and I'm the CAUSE of his problems rather than the solution. His family certainly aren't helping matters. In fact, they are probably the bulk of our problems. They resent me because I dated Tom. They dont want Daniel and I to be serious because they want him to date other girls. Dating other girls is COMPLETELY acceptable.. I just wish they could understand that I'm leaving in 2 1/2 months and Daniel and I need this time to figure out what's going on with US. He'll have plenty of time when I'm gone/ Anyway, it's also really complicated because they place so many restrictions on us. His life revolves around meeting their every need. He has to make sure he balances his time between his family and me. I dont see why a record needs to be taken at all.. why can't we all just get along? He constantly cancels on me because his sister is sad or because his nephew misses him or because he just spent the day with me the day before. I have a stroooong testimony of service and compassion and even consider myself to be fairly compassionate and long suffering, but he can't live his life based on their needs... especially when their needs are so immature. Maybe I'm sounding like a terrible person right now. I could go on and on with examples but I wont. Ditching me for family duties EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY is one concern... just the fact that his sister hates me is another. Every chance she gets, she talks about how Daniel needs to date when I leave RIGHT infront of me! She throws in tidbits about how I'm not the one for him and how he's not going to marry me and he needs to start going to dances so he can find dates... all right while I'm standing there in the very same conversation. She pouts and refuses to talk to me or participate in anything while I'm there. Ugh. I know we just had out lesson in Relief Society about being a peace maker but I'm just not THAT good. I feel like Daniel excuses her and he NEVER sticks up for me. He just ignores it and then gets mad at me when I'm offended. He expects me to get over it and yeah... that's ideal but how about a little sympathy or something? Ive never said anything mean to her... Ive never done ANYTHING to deserve any of it. All this from someone who has professed to being my friend.

Anyway, the Lord told President Eyring, "I'm not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down." I'm pretty sure it wasn't the bad experiences he was talking about. Now for better things.

I got my mission call! Omgosh... Jackson Mississippi!

More to come.   

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.. to Jackson Mississippi! Woo hoo!!!... lol. English. June 10th.

More to come.

--Witty

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I got an email from Tom today. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to vomit even now. I want to write him back immediately and pour my heart to him. I know this is the wrong thing to do. I'm going to suck it up and hold it in until next week. I cant take this. Why do I continually give so much of myself when others give me so little? I went to my room to hug my pillow and cry. I soon tired of that so I tried to sleep the overwhelmingly gross feeling in my stomach away. I was lucky enough to lose consciousness for 15 minutes or so. Now I'm awake again and I just hate how my body responds physiologically to what I'm feeling. I know I need to give it time... time heals... but knowing I'll feel better in a week or a few days.. or even tomorrow... does nothing for how I feel right now. I feel like I should get out and be with friends. Being busy and stimulated will help me forget and feel better. I'm so tired of listening to everyone else and dealing with everyone else when I have my own things to deal with though. Putting on my smile and excitement and enthusiasm gets tiring. Sometimes I just need to close my listening ear and NOT provide a shoulder to cry on. I feel terrible as I think these things. We lose ourselves and forget ourselves in service, right? I know this is true. I've reaped the blessings of service. It would just be nice to have a break... and have someone comfort ME for a change. I say this but then again, I hate talking about whats going on in my life. None of my friends know any of the details of whats going on because I dont talk about it. If I talk, I cry. If I cry, I get a headache. Headaches suck. And so does being sad. I completely believe we control how we feel and I also believe what we think and say contribute to how we feel. Ugh. Booooo! Lame.

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Today was quite the interesting day. I dont even know where to start or how to arrange my thoughts. I'm completely okay with this blog being 100% off the cuff and likely incoherent.

   After 3 weeks of racing home from work to check the mail or staying home just a little longer to check the mailbox, waiting at the sidewalk for the mailman, and staring up and down the street searching for him, I finally got a letter. It wasn't even a page long. No "I love you." No kiss. No "With love and hope, your elder, boyfriend, and best friend, Elder Chiang"... as usual. Nothing. Just a completely platonic and business-like letter. Just a "Let's keep it simple" and nothing more. I got dear janed.

   I wasn't quite sure how to feel or how to respond. I sat in silence, staring blankly as I fought the urge to throw up. I refused to cry. I give so much when I love. Giving your whole self, taking your walls down, and being completely vulnerable is the easiest and quickest way to get hurt. Nonetheless, I endure the roller coaster of the relationship as my love is acknowledged, appreciated, reciprocated, and then forgotten and taken advantage of. Ugh. Soooo... what to feel? How to respond? Talking about it just makes me cry. Crying just gives me a headache. That doesn't get me anywhere. Heartbreak sucks. Being sad sucks. I figure my only option is to not over react, respect his wishes, and move on with life.

    We were best friends much before we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I think in every romance, the very foundation should be friendship. If in two years, we're home and all we have is our friendship.. I'll be okay with that. We could build from there if it's right.

    It wasn't until after Tom left though, that he realized his "unrequited and undying love" for me. His letters were full of promises that he would forever love me the way I deserve to be loved. Lol, he's been gone 2 months and already he has purposefully and willingly strayed from that. That probably means it's just in his personality to NOT love the way I want to be loved. The last two months have been contingent on hope. All the effort and endurance I've put forth have been based on a hope that Tom's promises would be fulfilled and that he even had the capacity to fulfill them. I feel like already he's showing me it isn't possible... or maybe he just doesn't love me. I used to think, and still think, that Daniel and I had the real stuff.. we had the love of dreams-- the kind you only see in the movies. I've always thought that Tom and I COULD have that.. but obviously growth takes time. Tom's love for me has obviously been a very immature love.

   Tom was relunctant and resisted progression in our relationship all summer. He didn't want to be attached while on his mission. We were disobedient from what his immediate priesthood leader was advising and we went against his own desires to be unattached, and moved forward in our relationship. I think now that he's in the field and he loves it, he again, wants to be unattached and unbothered. I can't blame him for that. I dont know what this means though. I fully believe that we make time for those things that are most important to us. Obviously if Tom feels that I'm only a distraction and wants to minimize that, then I'm not really THAT important.

   Tom has said multiple times that he wouldn't have even gotten on his mission if it weren't for me. Maybe the Lord allowed our paths to cross as a blessing even though the end result is "failure." My time with Tom definitely taught me a lot. Maybe I needed those lessons just as Tom needed the lessons I taught him. Maybe Daniel needed some competition to get his head on straight. Maybe I needed the extra relationship experience. I dont know if Tom and I will end up together or not.. but I know the adventure has not been fruitless if we dont.   

   Maybe 6 months just isn't enough to sustain a relationship of separation over the course of two years. Maybe 6 YEARS is.

   I'll admit that I finally had a break-down. However, I just really dont enjoy headaches so I got over it. I took off the ring he gave me (that I've worn on my left ring finger) and I had thoughts of sending him his things. They're very personal and important things. I would send them not to be bitter and immature, but because they are important to him. However, that really IS ending it. I feel like in letting him go, I can't lose COMPLETE hope. Afterall, he was my friend before he was my boyfriend. We should always have at least our friendship. He cant expect me to continue to write him every week and hope and hold on while he distances himself and lets go. He has put me in the lot with the rest of the girls he's writing... which are many. It hurts.

I dont even want to talk about the rest of the day or anything else going on.   

Jan 6, 09

Hey Tom!
   I'll be honest and say I really have no idea quite what to say. Hmmm... lol. So I kinda felt like your last letter was a dear jane. I'm gonna spare you all the details and just say that you're obviously loving the work. I'm proud of you. I'm sorry if I've been a distraction to you. Before you left, you were hesitant to get into a "relationship" because you didn't want any attachments while you're serving. I understand that. I'll keep it simple and save the romance for later. Just tell me if I'm your girlfriend and if you intend to write me each week or not. I need to know how much you expect and what you expect me to do. I cant continue to hold onto you and hold onto all my hope while I write you every week, only to be discouraged when your letters dont come and you let go of me. If you want to distance yourself, I need to be able to move on with my life as well. As much as I love you, it just wouldn't be healthy for me to write you every week and continue to wear your ring and hold your jacket tight when you're way over it. Though I was sad and discouraged at first, I'm okay with it because I know our relationship is based on friendship. If we get home and all we are is friends, I'm okay with that.. I know we'll always be friends. I do love you and we said we'd always be best friends.. I think that's true so I'm not too worried. I just want to support you.   
   I've gone over all the things Ive wanted to say to you in my head a thousand times and now that I'm sitting here.. none of it is coming to me. I talked to Whittney and your mom today. It was SO awesome! I love them! Your mom told me to call her so we can go shopping together. Lol. And Whittney said I'll be seeing her around institute! I'm sooo excited to get to know them! Omgosh.. like SOOO excited! I loved talking to Whittney and your mom today. We all exchanged phone numbers.
   Mmmm.. so I got my physical today. It was a tad awkward.. but went well. Lol.
   Well Tom.. I'll write you more next week. Do you want me to start writing to the mission office?
   As always, you're in my prayers. I know you're working hard and I'm happy that you're losing yourself in the Lords work. I know we'll remain close because if nothing else, we're best friends. Just know that I do love you. I look forward to your next letter.
 
Love, 
Naomi
 
PS- Institute started tonight. It was awesome. D&C 15:6 made me think of you. I smiled when I read it.   

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So Brent got into a car accident last night. I got a voicemail from Matthew at 1am saying, "Brent’s in the hospital. Call me." My heart started racing and I freaked. I called Matthew back 3 times until he finally answered and said he was on the phone with the hospital. He finally called back and told me what hospital Brent was at. I called the hospital and got his room number in the emergency room and sped over there. I pulled up behind Matthew as we got off the off-ramp. Brent was very surprised to see us. He didnt have his phone so he had no idea how he was going to get home from the hospital. The doctor told him he could call a cab when they eventually let him go. Lol. He is fine. He didn’t really remember the accident but he thinks the other guy ran a redlight.. Brent was on his way home from work and it happened two streets away from his house. That’s how Matt found out. Matt was on his way home from a dance and saw Brent’s car totalled. He is fine though. Sprained wrist, major cut up elbow (it hit is side window), concussion, cuts and bruised. Now his worries are a car and finances. It was crazy how fast my heart rate shot up when I got that call.

At work it was pretty crazy. So I showed up 15 mins late but everyone was standing around outside the café. I asked what was going on and they said we couldn’t go in because there was no running water. We had health code inspection yesterday and we didn’t pass so the contractor was in there working to get the restaurant up to code. So we were all just waiting around outside for him to finish.. not even knowing if we were gonna be able to train. Our manager was late too but finally she shows up and we're all standing out there and as we're updating her about what’s going on, the contractor cuts his hands with a power saw. Blood squirted all over the place and he dropped the saw and screamed the f word and screamed and screamed.. he ran to the back and the manager and another employee ran back there. They came out told us to call an ambulance and his hand was covered in blood.. it was getting ALL over the café. So they rushed him out of the mall to meet the ambulance and he's cussing and screaming the entire time with blood going everywhere. I told them to tie a towel around it and hold it above his head. They didn’t listen.. they were a bit hysterical. So finally he was outside with the ambulance and the manager came back inside and the other employee came back with blood all over her shirt and then we were told there's no way we're training so just go home. Soooo.. I went shopping. I shopped all afternoon and got home around 8:30pm. I had WAY too much fun and spent WAY too much money. I’m such a sucker for the people who sell things from the kiosks in the middle of the mall. Man, I say no and they push the sale and lower the price, I still say no and they push lower the price and then I eventually give in. The trick is the never stop walking to talk to them.. say no from the beginning. I just feel so unkind ignoring them so I also stop just to be nice but then they get me. Ugh. I also bought two missionary skirts, a watch, and a few gifts.

After work me and Melissa went out to dinner at Applebees and then we went up to Alta Loma and walked a neighborhood full of Christmas lights. I was wishing Tom was there. It was cold and I wanted you to keep me warm and look at the Christmas lights with me. We met a nice boy there. His name was Ryan and he was 23 from Michigan. He told us a really good fable with a really good point though. It was about a man who was a stone-cutter.. he absolutely hated his job. One day he found a fairy and asked the fairy to make him the sun so he could be the most powerful thing of all. He became the sun and was happy. Soon though, he found out that the clouds can block the sun. He realized that the cloud was more powerful and wanted to be the cloud. He was happy being a cloud because he could help people with his rain, but he soon realized the wind could push him away. He asked the fairy to make him the wind. He had fun being the wind and thought that he was finally all powerful. He could go wherever he wanted and he could move anything. Then he came across the mountain he’d been cutting and thought he would show that mountain a thing or two. He tried to move the mountain but soon realized he couldn’t. He told the fairy he wanted to be the most powerful thing.. He wanted to be the mountain. The fairy said she only had enough magic for ONE more wish and asked if this is really what he wanted. He said yes.. the mountain is the most powerful of all things. His wish was granted and he became the mountain. As the mountain, he was happy. He could feel the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the clouds, he could feel the breeze of the wind, and he could see all the way to the horizon. As he was enjoying being "all powerful," he felt a tingling in his toes. He looked down and realized that a man was cutting parts off of him. He then became very sad. He said to the fairy, "Fairy, I made the wrong choice. I know that you no longer have any magic, but I wanted to be the MOST powerful of ALL things. Fairy, I wanted to me myself." Suddenly he turned back into a stone-cutter at the base of the mountain. "Fairy, I don’t understand. I thought you didn’t have any more magic?" And the fairy said, "Yes. But it doesn’t take any magic to be yourself... to be who you really are." I loved the story.

Here are a few of my thoughts on the last week of the Saviors life:

John 16:33 was the last recorded statement of the Savior before he entered the Garden of Gethsemane: "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." The scripture alone is so powerful.. so comforting. Then Brother Meacham asked us, "How often do we turn our last moments with someone into a social event? Christ was a teacher until the end." I thought about me and Toms last moments together. He chose to go to the temple to say good-bye to his friends. It was definitely a learning experience for me.. and I’m sure for many others. That certainly says something about him.

When Judas betrayed Christ and then came with a mob of 300-600 people to detain him, Peter put up a bit of a fight. He cut off the ear of one of the men in the mob. He was a servant of the High Priest named Malchus. Christ heals this man who is in the very mob of people who have come to crucify him. To the very end, the Savior reminds us that life is about healing. Christ was betrayed, backstabbed. To me this means that when people hurt us with even the most evil of intentions, we need to continue to love them and even attempt to serve a heal them. I thought of all the times people have mistreated me in my life.. Jackie being one of the major ones and she succeeded in hurting me pretty bad pretty often.. even after all that, I need to be concerned for her and even help to make her life better. This is also something I want to remember from now on so I can act in a Christ-like manner when people "persecute and despitefully use you."

Christ is turned over to Annas, who sends him to Caiaphas, who takes him to Pontius Pilate. Pilate sends him to Herod, who then sends him back to Pilate. Pilate tries to turn the decision over to the people but they choose to free Barabbas rather than Christ. (Ironically, Bar = Son of, and Abba = Father. The crowd was actually screaming "Give us the son of the Father.) Eventually, Pilate washes his hand of the affair. Neal A. Maxwell said: "Trying to run away from the responsibility to decide about Christ is childish. Pilate sought to reuse responsibility for deciding about Christ, but Pilate’s hands were never dirtier than just after he had washed them." This made me think of the ways that I "wash my hands of Christ." We all have the responsibility to take upon ourselves His name, to be an example of him. We all have the obligation to share the gospel and share our light. How often do we not do these things simply because it is "too hard?" We "wash our hands" of the situation and shirk our responsibility because we don’t want to deal with it or be responsible for the outcome. However, our hands become dirty as we do this. We are not doing ourselves a favor.

Luke 23:34 is where Christ says, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." It was revealed to Joseph Smith that Christ was referring to the Romans. So even while he was dying on the cross with a crown of thorns on his head and a spear through his side, he has compassion on his persecutors and even sought for their well-being and forgiveness. Then in Luke 23:43 he tells the thief that is on the cross next to him, "Today thou shalt be with me in paradise." To me, this means that Christ was positive and optimistic all the way until his very last moment. Joseph had his Liberty Jail experience, Abraham was commanded to sacrifice his only son.. Christ was crucified on the cross. We all have our moments where we are pushed and tested to our limits and experience our absolute worse trial. In Christ’s worse moment, he didn’t complain, he didn’t even think of himself.. instead, he turned to the man next to him and spoke words or encouragement. Oh how I wish to be like this.

After class, Helen and I worked on her paper until forum. Cody Kirk (Nick, Thomas, and Joe’s friend) and Tim spoke. After that, I went to work to train some more. It was really fun. I learned how to make a waffle cone. Lol, like straight from the beginning. Out of all 16 of us, about 3 of us could actually do it... and I was one of them. It was really fun. Then I got to drip chocolate on it and put sprinkles on it. I also learned how to make a cookie cake and then little cookie cup cakes. I learned how to make cold coffee drinks and then I washed all the dishes. The supervisor asked for a volunteer to do the dishes and everyone was quiet and kind of just looked down and looked away so I volunteered. I figure someone’s gotta do the dirty work. I’ve been really focusing on how to be more Christ-like lately. The very Savior of the world washed the feet of ordinary men.. He suffered the sins of the world– certainly a job we wouldn’t willingly volunteer for. If Christ, who is perfect, descends below us all and has humbled himself to do the "dirty work" of the world.. certainly I can do the dishes. In doing all the work no one else wants to do though, I need to do it in a humble way but I also need to do it in a way that will still get respect from my co-workers so they know they can’t walk all over me. Already, I can sense at least one of the girls thinks she is better than me and can boss me around because I’m willing to do that hard work. It makes sense though.. Don’t we take advantage of what Christ did for us?

Update through a letter I wrote to Tom on Nov 30:

I just got done writing Daniel before I wrote you. I wanted to get his letter out of the way so I could spend a long time on yours. I got his letter tonight when I got home and he asked me to write him a long letter. He said that he realizes he’s been negligent and he’s sorry. He said he really does love me. He said he loves me enough to let me go and that he wants me to stay but he understands that love is wanting the happiness of someone else before your own. He said that he wants Heavenly Father to be proud of him and he wants to please Him.. and that I may have suffered because of that. That reminded me of the quote that Brother Meacham gave us.. I don’t remember it exactly but it says "Love lies not in looking into each others eyes but in looking in the same direction [toward God] together." Babe, thank you so much for looking in the same direction toward God with me. Thank you for loving me and appreciating me. Thank you for acknowledging that I have something to offer.. and that I can help you get closer to God. Whitney has told me countless times that as she feels closer to Kris, she feels closer to God, and when she feels close to God, she feels closer to Kris. Our relationship should be like a triangle with God at the top and me and you equally yoked and side by side at the bottom. Of course we must have our own personal relationship with our Father in Heaven but please don’t forget me as you strive to be closer to him. That would be one awkward looking triangle. I know that you’re including me in your mission and thank you so much for that. I think Daniel forgot somewhere along the way that in pleasing God and in getting closer to God, that he can’t actually get all the way there without a help mate.. without a wife. Please remember this. As much as you serve and love, as much you grow.. include me. You can’t get back to Heavenly Father on your own. I know you know these things and I know you’re including me. This is just what is on my mind because of Daniel’s letter. Thank you so much for including me. Things might get a little hectic as time passes and we’re both serving.. just please don’t forget these things by the end of these two years. Let’s try so hard to remain equally yoked for the next two years (and for all eternity, really). I miss you so much. I cant wait to get on my mission. Time will go by so much faster.

The river was okay this weekend. I say it was okay because I’m optimistic but really, it wasn’t that great. We got there Friday afternoon and I don’t even think we did anything. Saturday morning, we went paintballing. No one really wanted to come so it was just the four of us (me, my dad, Shawn, and Christy) but there were people paintballing at the place where we go so we joined in with them. They took the game pretty seriously... one shot and you’re out.. they had camo and semi-autos and chest protectors and all kinds of rules. We played two games with them and they were fun.. but not really. Lol. So as we were getting ready to leave, me and Shawn played a one-on-one speed ball game. It was sooo awesome. Haha. I won. Shawn’s got about 3 welts on his back and a nice one on his butt. I got a good one on my arm but it isn’t too bad. That was fun. After that, we went to the Desert Bar. Usually we ride there but we just took the truck. We off-roaded a little bit. It was boring there.. Lol, it’s a bar.. so what more can I say? We were planning to go four wheeling the whole way home. Haha.. the very first hill I saw.. I told my dad to go up it. We almost tipped and fell off a small cliff but we finally got over. Once we got to the bottom, my dads steering didn’t work. He broke his tie rod for his left front tire. We were stuck. Luckily we weren’t too far from the bar. We called Tommy and he agreed we were screwed. Tommy took me and Christy home and then he had to get a generator and his welder and get back out into the middle of the desert where my dad, Shawn, and Drew were. They were out there for 3 hours in the middle of the desert in the dark before Tommy got there. They started a fire and everything. Lol. So Tommy finally got back to them and they got it welded and took it easy on the way home. This morning (Sunday), my dad welded it more so we could get home today.

Last night though, I felt like I was in flippin Satan’s playground. It was awful. I cried.. and I feel like putting "lol" here but it really wasn’t that funny. When they got back, everyone immediately went to the kitchen for a shot. Everyone was dropping the f-bomb left and right and saying the Lord’s name in vain. They were going back and forth between inside and outside. They probably took about 10 shots. Eventually the party ended up outside but Shawn was inside with two girls. One is his gf and the other was her friend. At one point, Shawn was inside with the friend making out with her while his gf was outside. Anyway, Shawn ended up spending the night with both of the girls in his room and my dad was okay with it. I was definitely not okay with it. He kept saying the f-word to his gf and kept telling her what to do and was really rude to her. Christy was plastered. She fell and hit her head on the cement and had to be carried to her bedroom. I wasn’t even around for most of it so everything I know is only the absolute least of it. After my dad put Christy to bed, he went outside and partied with the girl across the street. Who knows if he slept with her that night or not? One of the guys that was there, Jeff.. kept coming in and just being obnoxious to me and Shawn’s two girlfriends. Shawn got his new phone broken. I sat in my room most the night just thinking, being annoyed, and reading my scriptures. I cried at one point because I just didn’t know what to do. My patriarchal blessing tells me to be "patient, tolerant, and long suffering" to my family. And I’ve been trying so hard to be meek with them. My 17 year old brother was spending the night in his room with two girls who are 15 and 17 and it was completely okay with my dad. I just had visions of one of them getting pregnant and Shawn being a dad or a possible abortion. I felt like if anything happened, it would be my fault because I didn’t do anything to stop it. I decided to say a prayer and then I opened my scriptures. I just happened to open to DC 15 and 16. They are the exact same sections word for word, except the only thing changed is the name in each of them. I have a note written that says, "My name goes here." It says in verse 4 and 6, "Many times you have desired of me to know that which would be of most worth unto you. And now behold, I say unto you, that the thing which will be of the most worth unto you will be to declare repentance unto this people, that you may bring souls unto me, that you may rest with them in the kingdom of my Father." I wanted so much to respond to the situation the way The Lord would have me do it. I had no problem telling the girls to go home even if it would be mean. I had no problem shunning my dad and letting him know I disapproved. These were my natural instincts.. but I KNOW that the Lord wants me to be meek and long suffering. I’ve been given specific counsel to do so. The Lord cleansed the temple so obviously there is a time and place for boldness, but I really feel like the Lord has commanded me to do exactly as it says in my patriarchal blessing.. There is a specific reason why The Lord chose "patient, tolerant, and long suffering" for how I should handle my family. ::sigh:: I wanted so much to do what was right. I was absolutely disgusted by what was going on around me. Babe, it was nothing like when you came. It was worse. I could just feel and envision Satan and his minions walking around and laughing and mocking me because of their victory. After I read that scripture, I knew the Lord had answered my prayer but I also knew that I needed to cry repentance in a patient, tolerate, long suffering, and meek way. I know that getting them to change will not happen out of shunning them and being angry with them. I have to only love them. The light of Christ can shine only through love.. not anger and disapproval. So I went into Shawn’s room (at which time his girlfriend was on top of him) and I said.. "Hey guys, I can hear everything you guys are doing from my room so let’s keep it down, yeah? Oh and... if I hear anything... [and I looked at Shawn and his girlfriend] you two.. I will have no problem coming in here and turning on the light." I don’t know how that sounds reading it.. but I said it in a very fun and loving way. Lol. I’m struggling so much babe.. to be who The Lord wants me to be. I sometimes feel overwhelmed that The Lord would entrust my family to me. Like it says in DC 16:6, "... that you may bring souls unto me, that you may rest with them in the kingdom of my Father." It is my job to bring them to God so that I can be with them in the eternities. I want to be with them. ::sigh.. deep breath:: I can do it. I feel like I handled it okay. I just have to take it situation by situation and make the right choice as the situation comes up.

Another thing I was thinking about as I was sitting in my room listening to Shawn and the girls was.. How am I supposed to respond if they start having sex? Do I pretend not to listen? Do I barge in and kick the girls out? Then I thought.... why on earth would I kick the girls out? They obviously lied to their parents.. there’s no way their parents knew they were spending the night with a boy. If I told them to get out, they wouldn’t go home– they would just be on the street. Sooo.. what would I do? I would kick Shawn out. Lol. I would tell him to sleep in the garage. I started to think about what I value.. and I value womanhood. Of course I wouldn’t kick them out. Guarding their virtue and "protecting" them would be my first interest. I don’t know if I sound lame saying all this. Of course I wouldn’t be all preachy.. you only give people what they can handle and you don’t want them to push you away. You want them to trust you. And I wouldn’t even have to bring up God. I realized in that time in my room that you just have to love people. I was absolutely repulsed by those girls to begin with.. how dirty.. how low. But they’ve been brought up in a world ripe with Satan. Our times are tough. We’ve been blessed with the gospel and even still we’ve strayed at times. As I listened to the gross and repulsive things going on... I began to feel sorry for those girls and I began to love them. Nothing ever happened that I felt I should involve myself in.. even though I disapproved of them being there in the first place.. so I ended up immersing myself in my scriptures and patriarchal blessing and then falling asleep. It really was not a pleasant night though. I even considered driving home.. but then I was faced with a whole new set of questions. Is that running away from my problems? Am I avoiding the responsibility by just leaving? Anyway, that’s how Saturday night went.

Earlier as I was typing this letter, my dad asked me if I had fun at the river. I said yes but he knew I was lying. We had a bit of a chat. I told him that we’re going to the river less and less to play, and more and more to drink. I really see no reason for me to go if it continues that way. We had a nice chat. It ended with us both shrugging our shoulders and shaking our heads. We each got some feelings and concerns out. I wont be going to the river the next time they go. I think I need some time away.. and I think my dad needs to remember that we go there to be a family.. not to drink. Don’t worry babe, my dad will get his priorities straight and when we have kids, it wont be like that. I told him, "Drinking used to be a social thing you guys did while we played games. Now it’s the main event of the evening.. we don’t even play games anymore." He understood that and he agrees that it needs to stop.

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Dear Tom,

   I feel kind of down when I think about you. I feel like I’m forgetting already. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t received anything from you in a week so I’m wondering where we stand. I feel like we’re just friends and that I’m just like every other girl you’re writing. I’m wondering if the correct thing to do IS just be friends. If we knew we were just friends, I wouldn’t fret and worry about not receiving letters from you and you forgetting me and such. I wonder if that’s what we need to do in order to give our missions our all. I’m not ready to take you off my wallpaper on my phone.. or on my computer.. or off my walls.. I DO love you and I still want you as mine. I’m going to serve my mission no matter what and I’m excited for the time that we can reunite and be together again. It’s just so stressful wondering and waiting. This isn’t a dear john letter. I DO love you and I’m going to continue to write you every week. I’m just telling you what’s on my mind because you’re my best friend.

   In addition to all this.. I’m getting very nervous about Daniel’s return. I find myself looking forward to his letter this week as much as I’m looking forward to yours. I find myself wanting to lay out on a blanket at the park with him and study and talk for hours as we did. I thought I could just get over and forget the past 6 years of my life.. but I’m getting anxious to reunite with him and see what has come of us. I want to share our journals with each other and see what he’s been up to and share things we’ve learned about the gospel together. I find myself wanting to spend time with his family. ::sigh::

   I think less and less of you. I still think of you often but it’s less. It feels odd to call you my boyfriend knowing he is coming home and HE is the one that is going to be around.. rather than you. I think the only hope for us is if Daniel and I don’t click.. or if he doesn’t want me.. or if I don’t want him. If we still have chemistry, I want to keep it at a distance and then I can keep in touch with both of you and then date both of you at the same time when I get home. Maybe he’ll even find someone else while I’m away like I found someone else while he was away. Whatever the case, I don’t think any of this will be figured out until either a) one of you tell me it’s over or b) at least 2 years from now... whichever comes first.

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Gratitude Journal

Monday, December 1, 2008

            I’m grateful for the chance we have to be obedient. It’s the first law of Heaven. It’s how we stay on the straight and narrow road to God. Obedience keeps us from making un-necessary and often painful detours. Who knows what heartache, complication, and worry Tom and I are saving ourselves from by being obedient to rules which we might not see any harm in not following.

            I’m grateful for the opportunity to prove my love to the Lord by keeping his commandments. It really is the only way we can love him and thank him. It takes self control, discipline, and the conquering of ourselves to be obedient. This the perfect gift, I think. As we do these things, He is saved from that additional pain of the Atonement that he would have suffered otherwise. As we exhibit these attributes, we become closer to Him and closer to the Celestial Kingdom and thus, his purpose validified. By being obedient and conquering Satan, we make it so that his pain was not in vain.

           I’m grateful that Tom made the choice to be obedient and only write me once a week on his pdays. He is developing independence and strength because of it. He will be able to be more focused and less distracted. He will be able to better serve and love the people. He will be able to really lose himself in the work and give it his all. This effort will bless many souls and even generations to come. I will also become less dependent on Tom. I don’t know what the blessings of this will be, but I’m sure they’re there.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

            I just had the most awesome chat with Stephanie Arcos! It was the perfect ending to a rather good day. I got to know her a bit and found out some very unfortunate details about her life. Her dad passed away a year ago and the widower of her father disappeared to Mexico, leaving their two little girls to be taken care of by Stephanie and her mom. The girls are 10 and 4 years old and speak to their mother once a month. Stephanie works a full time 9-5 job and she goes to school. She just lost her dad and is now taking care of two little girls. She is having trouble in the boy department and that can’t be helping matters at all. I’m go grateful for the chance that I had to get to know her tonight. I’m glad that I met her and that she is in my life. I want very much to get to know her better and spend more time with her. I want us to be part of each others lives. I want to serve her and her family. I’m grateful for her endurance and smile. I’m grateful for her courage and testimony. She doesn’t have to choose to be happy and yet, she does. She is a great example to me and all around her. I’m grateful to be able to witness the goodness and willingness that is often so hard to exhibit when faced with trials. I’m looking forward to serving her and her family. I want to get the two little girls Christmas presents from Santa. I also want to get something nice for Stephanie, her mom, and sister. I know that as we make others happy, we can’t keep from being happy ourselves. I think the way to prepare for life’s challenges is to lose ourselves in the work. No matter where we are or what we’re doing.. No matter our situation.. There is a work to be done and if we lose ourselves in service, we are prepared for anything. As for forget ourselves, sacrifice becomes normal and simply a part of life. It doesn’t become a challenge. Our purpose is to be Christ-like and His purpose was to sacrifice his life for us. We can be more like him as we sacrifice our own lives. We may not need to sacrifice our mortal lives, but we can give of ourselves and truly love all those around us. I’m grateful for this realization and I’m grateful for the opportunities I’m being given to serve.

            Today I woke up at 6:30am, was at institute by 7:30am, helped Helen with a research paper until 8:30am, attended class and went to breakfast until 10:30am, and then I worked on Helen’s research paper with her until 5pm. It was long day and writing the paper was very frustrating. However, I didn’t feel the headache or exhaustion of the task whatsoever. I took the opportunity to be positive, to be a smile when there was sadness about, and to be a light in a dreary situation. As Helen moped and complained, I took the challenge to make it a good day. I wont say that it wasn’t a difficult day, but it was absolutely fantastic. I was sincerely happy as I kept myself from verbalizing my negative feelings. I was sincerely happy as I encouraged her and helped her to press forward. I’m so grateful for the lesson I learned today. I’ve felt like I’ve been slacking in my "make the pathway bright" area.. but I was given the perfect chance today to remember what a blessing it is to be happy. I’m grateful that I was given the opportunity, that I realized the opportunity, and that I had the strength to make it a good day. I know it is all in The Lord. Time seemed to slow down today as I was faced with a decision.. with a response to negativity. In that time, I was able to control my reactions and pick the higher route rather than the lower one. I’m grateful for the acknowledgment that I had every time I was faced with a choice.

            Lastly, today I am grateful for.. Oh my goodness. I cant even say "lastly..." because I’m grateful for so many things! I’m grateful for institute and Brother Meacham and I’m grateful for the spirit and my scriptures. I’m grateful that people pay their tithing and I have the institute building and the program there to help me. I’m grateful for Parker Dog.. for his unconditional love and his enthusiasm every time he sees me. I’m grateful that I have someone (something?) tangible to hug that loves me back. I’m grateful for Tom. I’m grateful for his obedience and his diligence in his service to God. I’m grateful for his sacrifices and willingness to work hard and forget himself. I’m grateful for his effort and for his example to me. I’m grateful for his love for me. I’m grateful for all the time we spent together and all the memories we made. I’m grateful for my dad.. for his hard work, understanding, and love for me. I’m grateful for his personality and parenting style. I’m grateful for the Plan of Salvation and that our intelligences were organized together. I could go on and on.

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So I'm currently being faced with the decision of whether or not I should attend school for Winter and Spring terms. Winter is 6 weeks and I'm okay with taking advantage of that... all except for the fact that the classes are for large chunks of time EVERYDAY MTWTH because it's such a short term and I need to be working to save for my mission. I told my new job that I'm available anytime because working is my first priority. I cant just keep changing my schedule on my work because of school. I'd have to change it starting January and then again in the middle of February. As far as school for Spring semester.. I absolutely HATE 16 week terms. I get so bored and demotivated and I stop attending my classes. I would especially be discouraged from attending this semester because I will be re-taking classes that I've already taken.. just failed because I stopped going. Also, I want to set my availability date for May 1 because I want to leave on my mission as soon as possible. The reasons I want to leave as soon as possible are 1) I'm absolutely tired of school and I just want to leave. 2)I want to get back sooner because Tom will be home. Both of those are pretty heavy reasons for me. Then again though.. tonight I was talking to my family about everthing and my aunt mentioned having graduated with a bachelors by the time she was 21. That made me feel like a slacker and that I need to be further ahead. I know I've wasted my time pretty much since I entered college so I really AM a slacker.. I need to do something about it. I gotta move forward sometime. Why not put these next 6 months to good use so I have more accomplished when I get home from my mission? Advice, anyone?

   Then there's the whole thing about what classes I should take. Do I really want to major in psychology? It's such a foo foo major. I want to graduate college with a degree and be able to get straight to work. Psychology majors graduate and have pretty much nothing. You need a masters in psych to get a real job. I think I would be okay with this but I dont want to graduate college and be married and no be able to get a good job. Then there's the question of a business major. Do I double major? Usually when people double major, they only pursue one of them anyway. Which would I pursue? Psychology has always been my love and what I've considered my calling because of things my patriarchal blessing says. In addition to this, what school should I be taking into consideration as I'm registering for classes? Will I be going to CPP when I get home? Will I be married and going to BYU because it'll be cheaper to live in Utah? Will I be going to SLO because that's where my husband will want to go? Ugh. So stressed. I know that I'll be ready to focus and kick some butt in school when I get home.. but what to do until then? And preferably, I'd like to get right into school when I get home. I feel like if I get home and go rigth to CPP, I'll feel motivated. If I have time to sit around and go to Sac, I'll just feel discouraged and feel like I'm wasting my time. I gotta figure out if I can get that all settled BEFORE I serve so I can get home and just get focused.

That's the latest on my mind and its stressing me pretty bad. Here are just a few blurbs on other things going on:

Why I want to serve a mission:     

I haven't actually thought about my reasons in a while.. I've just known that I wanted to go. When I was 3, my grandma started taking me to primary. She always told me that I could only come to church with her if I was good. I can remember being a perfect little girl in sacrament even though I found it incredibly boring. My grandma always let me draw and color but only after the sacrament was passed. It always seemed like an eternity but I was always so good and happy because I wanted to go to primary. In primary, I was in sunbeams so we sat in the very front row and I can remember being so excited to be there and loving it. Singing time was my favorite part. Man, I loved primary. Anyway, even at 3.. I knew it felt good to be there. I knew the difference of how I felt in primary and how I felt at home. It was feeling that difference that kept me going alone all those years. Just the simple joy and happy and simple contentment I felt while I was at church. You know how sometimes when people bear their testimony, they always say, "I would feel ungrateful if I didnt bear my testimony..."? I never really understood why people said that until one time when I was about 16. I can remember one specific instance when I was sitting in sacrament and I was just so overcome with gratitude for the church. I just felt so grateful that The Lord allowed me to find the church and allowed me to attend all those years. I felt grateful for the happiness and joy I felt because of The Church. I also understood in that moment, that the only way I could thank Heavenly Father for blessing me, was to share my happiness with others. I realized in that sacrament meeting what it meant when people said they would feel really ungrateful if they didn't share their testimony. Me serving is the least I can do to show my Father in Heaven how grateful I am for all of the blessings Ive been given. He brought The Church into my life.. he gave me such an awesome dad and family.. he's allowed me to stay close to the gospel all these years and has given me so many opportunities to learn and grow so that I could be happier. Another reason I want to serve is because I know it will make me a better wife and mother. All my years in young women, I looked up to those leaders who had served a mission. There was just something special about them.. a special strength and knowledge that they had. They were different.. they were better. I want to be like them. I want to be a better wife and mother to my husband and kids and I want to be a better example to those I'm able to serve in later years in The Church. I'm looking forward to the way me and my dad's relationship will be molded as I serve. I know his heart will be softened as he sees the changes I'm making and the happiness I have. The Lord blesses his missionaries and their families. I'm excited for him to feel the spirit. This might sound lame.. but I want so much for my dad to be proud of me. All my life, I've worked my butt off and he's never really told me he was proud of me. After my 4.0 GPA pretty much all through junior high and high school.. graduating with a year of college already.. my graduation was kind of a let down for me. He didn't take the opportunity to let me know he was proud. It was pretty much just another day for him. Anyway, I know he's upset right now about the mission but I hope that in 18 months, he can be proud of me.

Well, last Sunday as I got home from church and got started on my mission papers, I decided that night that I should ask Heavenly Father again if I should serve a mission. I had already made up my mind and I knew I got my answer at the temple but I figure with every major step, it’s probably a good thing to just check in with Him about it. So Sunday night, I said a prayer to ask Heavenly Father if he would still have me serve. I sat and waited and listened for the spirit for what seemed like a few very long minutes. Nothing came and it seemed to me that He obviously wasn’t going to answer me right then, so I decided to move on with my prayer with faith that the answer would come in the Lord’s due time. Well, on Wednesday at institute in the DC class, we went over DC 29-31. Brother Meacham assigned my side of the room to read DC 31. Immediately as I read the first and second verse, I felt like The Lord was speaking directly to me. If you have time, you should read the section.. you’ll understand exactly why I felt like He was speaking to me. Verse 2 says, "you have had many afflictions because of your family." Lol, boy is that true. Then he goes on to promise that even though his family has caused him grief, his kids will grow up and be strong in the Church. This made me smile. My patriarchal blessing says that my greatest hour will be being a mother in Zion. He says I’ll understand why mothers are blessed. I’ve also been told all my life that even though I don’t have a forever family right now, I can make one. Then this reminded me of YOUR patriarchal blessing and how it says that your kids will be strong in the Church too. Anyway, then the third verse goes on to say, "Lift up your heart and rejoice, for the hour of your mission is come." So even though your family has caused you afflictions, your kids will be good, and it’s time for you to serve a mission. It says to leave your family for a short while and you’ll be blessed because of it. Also, my patriarchal blessing tells me I’ll have callings in The Church and that teaching others will be a lifetime calling for me. I’ve had callings, but so far nothing spectacular. Now I know I’m not supposed to wish for important callings.. which, I don’t... I just know that The Lord told me I’ll have them. So anyway, I haven’t had any of the callings my patriarchal blessing talks about as of yet. But then I read verse 31:5. It says "you shall be laden with sheaves upon your back, for the laborer is worthy of his hire." I had no idea what this meant so I asked Brother Meacham. He says it means that if you magnify your calling [the mission], then The Lord will give you more responsibility. So the better you are, the more work the Lord will give you. (This section was written to Thomas B. Marsh.) Then it says that if Thomas B. Marsh magnifies his mission, then "therefore your family shall live." It says to leave them for a little time and "I shall prepare a place for them." I felt so much comfort in this statement. I felt like The Lord is telling me that if I work hard on my mission, if I lose myself in the work, and devote myself to the Lord for 18 months, then the Lord will start preparing a place for my family in the celestial kingdom. He’ll start preparing their mansions. Now I know that could only be possible if He softens their hearts. I know that my dad and my family receiving exaltation will only come through the love and mercy of God. I also feel like The Lord has promised me though, if I do all I can do in the mission, then he’ll help me and my dad will eventually come around. It’s all in my hands. It’s up to me. This reminded me of a promise President Hinckley once made. He said that if we have less active or nonmember family members, if WE are righteous and if WE endure to the end, then they will eventually receive their exaltation. He said their conversion is based on OUR righteousness. He promised that. It’s a promise I’ve taken such joy and dread in. That puts it on my shoulders to be a good example to my dad.. but that also means that if I fail, I not only fail myself, but I fail my dad as well.

Anyway though, the section goes on to say that He’ll open the hearts of the people and they’ll receive me and I will strengthen and prepare them. I took such comfort in that. Verse 8 is where the advice starts, "Be patient in afflictions, revile not against those that revile. Govern your house in meekness, and be steadfast." You know I strive to be meek when dealing with my family sooo much. I want so much to respond to unfavorable situations with the spirit. I want so much to be a good example of Christ. I want my light to be seen by them and I can only do that by being meek. As they give me such hard times, they certainly revile me. Shawn has given me an even harder time than my dad has about serving a mission. They constantly speak of how I’m going to be wasting my time and.. well, all kinds of things. But I need to not revile them back.. but instead, be meek and steadfast. It’s certainly difficult but I’m working on it so hard. Everyday is a new day to try to do better than the day before. Every new situation is an opportunity to do better than the last.

Verse 11 says, "Go your way whithersoever I will.." and what to say and where to go will be given to you by the spirit. Something I’ve been thinking a lot about is where I will get called. As I told you on the phone, I feel so inadequate.. so I’ve been putting a great deal of thought into where I’ll be called. I just want to be able to please The Lord. Then I read verse 11 and it was a reminder to me that The Lord is in control. I will go where he wants me to go and I will do what he wants me to do. Verse 12 says to pray always. Prayer is something I struggle with often times. I just feel so inadequate. I feel like I shouldn’t waste The Lord’s time or that I’m not good enough to speak with deity. I know, I know... "Satan teacheth a man not to pray." I know I just need to get over it and I know practice makes perfect. I just felt like every single verse, down to every word, was tailored specifically to me. I felt like each verse was so personal and touched base to every specific concern I have right now. The section is only 13 verses long but it was so specific to all the things that I’ve been worried about lately. As soon as I started reading it, I knew that The Lord was answering my prayer. The last verse says to be faithful to the end and "lo, I am with you." I felt so comforted to receive an answer to my prayer, receive specific counsel, and then be reminded that throughout everything that is happening and everything that will happen, He is with me. I know that I’ve received an answer to my prayer. The Lord has told me twice now, very plainly, that I need to serve a mission. The Lord heard my prayer and He knows all my concerns as I embark on this journey. He is aware of me and he loves me. I see my Father in Heaven as a very real and literal father. I feel as though I’ve just had a PPI with my dad. I love The Lord. I love this church and I love the gospel. We truly are never alone.

Today was a good day. I went to the Life of Christ institute class this morning at 830. After that, me and Melissa went to BK and then back to institute. I helped Sister Sue with our Thanksgiving feast while Melissa studied. For forum, Brother Meacham told us how we can all be happier. He said that we may already be happy.. we may be unhappy... but wherever we’re at– we can be happier. This is how: make a habit of looking for the good in life. He told a few stories and gave a few examples. I realized this is something I’ve been slacking on lately. My patriarchal blessing tells me to be a light in dark places and a smile when there is sadness about. It’s something that has always come easy to me and something people notice about me. I haven’t exactly been pessimistic but I don’t exactly habitually see or express the good in unfavorable situations. The keyword for me is "habitual." A habit is something that is a natural reaction... it’s our first inclination. My first thought when something bad happens is not to see the good in it. I think I USED to have that habit but somehow I’ve let it slip a little. It’s something I’d like to work on and develop again. It’s kind of like the challenge from education week to not say anything negative for 24 hours. I think I’m gonna take it up again. I’m not going to tell anyone.. I’m just going to consciously work on it myself and correct myself when I fail and just try to be better all the time.

So yesterday was a very busy day. My dad came in my room about 10 and told me I needed to go do some shopping for Christy’s birthday and that she was going to be there by 1. So I left at 11.. went to the mall, Target, and Mervyns. After that, I worked on putting together the craft and activities for Ability First that night. That took me pretty much all day... then I made mashed potatoes, got in the shower, picked up Denise, and left. Ability First was soooo awesome. At first I didn’t there were going to be a lot of people but about 22 people from institute showed up and we had sooo much food! We took a bunch of pictures so I’ll send those to you next week. After dinner, we separated into 3 groups and had 3 stations. One was a craft, the other was Turkey Hunt and Thankful Cirlce, and the 3^rd one was Pin the Tail on the Turkey and Simon Says (Thanksgiving Themed). When I was putting the activities together, I made a model of the turkey craft so the kids would know what their final product was supposed to look like. I love serving. I was so excited as I was preparing everything all day yesterday. It’s fun to look ahead and picture how much fun everyone will be having. And then there was such a good turn out of volunteers and it makes me so happy to see others that are so willing to serve too. There were a few that weren’t as helpful, but seeing people be selfless and give of themselves and just go out of their way and out of their comfort zones to help me and help others was so awesome. Selflessness is such a virtue. It makes perfect sense too... we can’t live in Zion until there are no poor among us. How do we make it so there’s no poor? We have to be selfless and focus and give to others. We forget ourselves. THAT’S the way to God’s kingdom.

The latest with me and Tom through bits of a couple letters to him:

"8 hours of work, 8 hours of "sleep," 8 hours of play. Sounds great to me. You’re right, I look back on us this summer and we really were happy. I wish we could have spent less time with all the complications and more time just having fun.. but something Brother Meacham told me the other day is that "marriage is an act of faith." I told him that you mentioned getting married in January 2011 and he said Richard G. Scott was married 2 weeks after he got home from his mission. He said, "Marriage isn’t an act of wealth. It’s an act of faith." I’ve often thought with Daniel that so many things are certain and I’ve always thought that you need to be absolutely certain of every aspect of marriage in order to get married. I’m realizing more and more that I’m wrong. Marriage is an act of faith. I know that even though not everything is tried and proven with you, I have faith that we’ll be happy. I look back on us.. and we were happy. It was my best summer ever. It really was. I look at us now and I’m ecstatic. I want you to know that I would have our situation be absolutely no different than what it is right now. I would have us no other way. With you all the way across the country in DC and me here in So. Cal., I would have it no other way. I’m so happy with what we’re doing. We’re on the Lord’s errand AND we’re developing our relationship. We’re being strengthened and we’ll be so much better because of it. All of this and yet, we’re STILL together. We’re still on this ride right next to each other. I’m happy with what we’re doing. "By their fruits ye may know them." Well, so far we’ve got a pretty good track record. Lol, I look at the bouquet that I caught at the Cruz wedding everyday and I think of you.

Babe, you do NOT have to hold your breath after each letter from me. You should KNOW that I love you. My letters WILL come. I think about you every single day. You’re a very real and large part of my life. You may not be here but everything reminds me of you and you come into almost every single conversation that I have. You’re in my prayers every night. All I do all day is think about how life will be when we’re married.. write lists of questions I want to ask you when you’re home about how we want our family/home to be.. I wait for your letters.. I write you letters.. I think of things I want to say to you in my letters.. I write lists of things so I’ll REMEMBER what I want to tell you in letters... I daydream about you serving in the mission field.. I think of when we’re BOTH on our missions and how awesome it will be to write you and receive letters and talk about you. Babe, do not hold your breath. You have no reason to. I’m yours. I feel great about us. I WILL tell you this though: I feel like I remember the times BEFORE we were romantic more than the times that we were romantic... but that’s because we had so much more time not being romantic. I cant generalize our whole relationship by our last 7 days together. When I look back and remember things though, it makes me happy to realize that it wasn’t just those 7 days. We went to Utah the last week in August and then the two weeks after that, we didn’t talk. Well, at the end of those two weeks, you told me you missed me and that I was your best friend. You told me I make you happy and that you felt like you were missing something because I wasn’t in your life. It was that weekend that you told me you felt things for me that you thought you’d buried. So as early as the first few weeks in September, we were at least a little romantic. When I remember things like that, it makes me smile. Sometimes I wonder if I’m in love with and writing a man that I’ve simply made up in my mind. You only realized and told me how much you love me when you left. Therefore, our whole foundation is based on this vision we have of us.. an "us" that we haven’t even experienced before. You have a love for me that I’ve not experienced in person with you. Everything you say.. the way you promise that you will love me... I can only hope those things are true because I haven’t experienced it first hand. The Tom that writes me and tells me he loves me is not the Tom that I knew even as I said goodbye to him in our very last moment together. Do you understand? I’ve felt and thought all these things, but yet, understand that I feel great about us Honey. Marriage is an act of faith. Remember the first class we went to at education week? We’re supposed to focus on the things we DO know rather than the things we DON’T know and put the rest on the shelf. I have faith that you love me and that you’ll show me as you said you will. I know that I love you and I know that you make me happy. Looking back on our time together, we really were strengths to each other. We talked about the gospel and we shared personal things with each other. We uplifted and challenged one another. We learned together. We laughed. We felt the spirit. We had fun. Those things I DO know will be part of our future together because I’ve experienced it first hand. Your love for me as it has developed since you entered the MTC.. I can only hope that it will come to pass. So, as I look back on our relationship, I remember our friendship more than I remember our romance. I’m okay with this though. Chapter 20 of Teachings of the Presidents of The Church: Joseph Smith manual, is a lesson on "A Heart Full of Love and Faith: The Prophet’s Letters to His Family" (mostly to Emma). I made a copy for you. It’s really not that long. Please read it and read my notes. It’s very special to me. Joseph’s letters to Emma remind me of our letters. The parts I especially want you to read are the parts I highlighted in yellow. At the very core of a marriage, should be a friendship. Before Joseph and Emma were husband and wife, they were friends. If we think of the true meaning of friendship, how many friends do we really have? Christ is the perfect example of a friend. He knows our joys and he knows our sorrows. He knows our feelings and the depth of our soul. He can relate and offer advice. He loves us no matter what we do or what we tell him. He will never backstab, betray, or do something to put me down and life himself up. He has me as his first concern and died for me. He is willing to correct my mistakes and forgives me regardless of how many times I mess up. His love is unconditional and he will never leave me. He is a TRUE friend. How many people on this earth do you really have that relationship with? I can think of my closest friend.. aside from you.. She is someone who is extremely innocent and naive. She doesn’t have a care in the world. She has the light of Christ and is just so sweet and pure. She’s the epitome of innocent. Even her.. I know she’s lied to me in pursuit of her own desires. I know she’s "betrayed" me because of her own interests. I think a REAL friendship, true friendship, Christ-like friendship.. is very rare. Joseph and Emma had this relationship. I have that relationship with you. We’re best friends and best friends have no choice but to love each other. It just happens that way :-D. I know that you have your walls down and I trust you. Thank you for trusting me. You asked me how I’m feeling about us. I hope this answer was okay with you. I love you and I feel great about us. I plan to write you, serve our missions together, be best friends, get home, and live happily ever after while YOU love ME every second of every day :-D... (and we make pretty babies). PS- Can I just say that I hate when Denise says you guys are best friends? Ugh. She does it all the time but I just have to be Christ-like and get over myself."

My recent break down:

I just had a massive break down. I went over to a "cousins night" at Daniel’s cousin’s house. All his siblings and cousins were there. As I sat on the couch, I got really emotional. I realized that it was the holiday season and I wondered where I fit into their plans this year. I wondered if I would be there Christmas Eve with them. For the past 5 years, I’ve baked cookies with them and gone Christmas caroling, and then come home and opened presents around the tree as their daughter and sister. I wondered if they would even want me there or if they would even want to get me anything for Christmas. I started to remember all the good times I’ve had with them. I realized how much I love those people. However imperfect they are, I love them and they’ve been my family for the past 6 years. They’ve loved me and supported me and have helped me through some tough times at home. They’ve allowed me into their home and treated me as one of their own. We’ve had such good times and made such fond memories. I really do love them and they really are my family. I thought, "What would be the harm in spending the holidays with them? I love them and I we’re supposed to spend the holidays with the ones we love." But then I thought that I would only be prolonging the inevitable by being there. I would only be leading them on.. and leading myself on. I’m not Daniel’s girlfriend. I’m not part of their family. That crushed me. I love them so much and we’re not going to be a family. I was on the verge of tears all night while I was there. Then I broke down in my car and cried all the way home. I have such a headache now.

I wondered what this meant. I wondered, IS Daniel really the one for me? But even as I sat there with HIS family, I wanted TOM there with me. I thought that it would be so perfect and so fun if I could sit there singing karaoke with them, with Tom by my side. My grief didn’t go away, but I did feel comforted. I felt like it was okay to say goodbye to his family. I felt like even though I would be forfeiting an eternity with them, I would be joining a new family... a family that I don’t know quite yet, but I’m sure is just as awesome. I know that I could form just as strong of bonds and have just as good of times. I know that we could care for each other and love each other and help each other out in hard times. I wish I had that opportunity. It’s only understandable that I would feel hurt that I’m saying goodbye to the last six years of my life. There’s so much friendship and love in those six years.. so much bonding. Anyway, as I sat there contemplating their two families... I realized something. As I sat there, I realized that given the choice of Tom vs Daniel.. I want the man that will help me to be better. I want to be a better woman, a better mother, a better sister in Zion, a better daughter to my Father in Heaven. I want the man that won’t hinder me. I want the man that will be the greatest strength to me and uplift me rather than ME being the one doing most of the uplifting. I don’t want my life to be full of babysitting and chastisement to my husband. I want to be equally yoked with my husband. I want him to carry my load when I’m tired and I want to carry his load when he is tired.. but I want that exchange to be mutual and even. THAT is the man I want to marry.

My Sunday yesterday was absolutely fantastic. I learned and heard a lot of things I needed to hear. Brother Meacham gave the fireside last night in Ontario on gratitude. He told the parable of the "Grateful Cat" by James E. Talmage. I have yet to figure out why it touches me so much. But I cried as he told it and then I retold the story to Melissa today and I cried again. It really touches my heart. So James E. Talmage wrote a book of his own parables and one of them is the Parable of the Grateful Cat. There was a man in a village that heard an animal not afar off screaming in agony. He went to go check it out and he found a boy with a box of kittens, sticking them in a pool of water, and drowning them one at a time. Next to the boy was the mother cat. She was wailing in agony as she stood by in helplessness. The man walked over to the boy and asked him what he was doing. The boy said that his master paid him to drown these kittens because nobody would pay for them and nobody wanted them. The man told the boy that he would pay him for the remaining kittens and he could go to his master and tell him that he completely his task. The next day, this same man was at a banquet. He happened to be a highly esteemed man in the town and there was a banquet being held in his honor with highly esteemed guests. The banquet was in a beautiful banquet hall with decorations and well dressed important people. In the midst of this, the mother cat walked into the room with a dead rat in its mouth. She walked right through the room to the center of the table and dropped the rat on the mans plate and walked out. The image I had of this brought me to tears. How lowly and humble that grateful cat. Brother Meacham asked, "Did this man need a dead rat?" The answer is obviously no. "Was it the greatest thing the grateful mother cat could give him?" Yes. I’m still not quite sure what this means to me. I know that the story touches me deep down though. I want to be like this cat.

Brother Meacham said that Telestial people say that are thankful, Terrestial people feel thankful, and Celestial people act on their thankfulness and even create it. He said, "Develop the ability to be grateful for the things you don’t want. Start a gratitude journal tonight and write an entry everyday until Christmas. Think before each entry. Write down the things you’re grateful for. Write down the things you know you should be grateful for but aren’t. Then, write down the things you would never invite into your life and find ways to be grateful for those too. Present it to the Savior on the holy day that we celebrate His birth." He promised that as we do this, we will have greater revelation in our life and we will be happy. He said the way to be happier.. no matter how unhappy or happy you are.. we can always be happier.. and the way to do that is to "Find the good and praise it."

Another thing he said was, "Our day has turned holy days into holidays, and days of worship into days of consumption." I really want to make this Christmas a holy day rather than just a holiday.

Sacrament on Sunday was awesome as well. I heard exactly what I needed to hear. So Saturday night at the dance, a friend from our family ward was there. Me, Rebecca, Steven, Chris, and Tim all used to hang out together. Well, Steven and Chris just got back from their missions.. and they’re in my branch. Tim on the other hand, went to school in Oklahoma and came back for Thanksgiving this week. He was at the dance with Chris and happened to bring his little sister Tracy. Tracy has strayed from the church and doesn’t really talk to anyone. So there they were at the dance and I told Denise that we should go over and say hi to Tim. She said she wasn’t going to go over there while SHE was there (Tracy). I was just kind of like.. Oh okay.. and then I kept dancing. Right after I made the decision not to go over there and say hi just because "she" was there, I felt awful. I knew that I’d made the wrong choice. I felt awful all night and all day Sunday and even today. I got my answer in sacrament though. The talk was on Joseph B. Wirthlin’s talk from April Conference in 2008, called "Concern for the One." He said that true disciples of Jesus Christ are always concerned for the one. Even Christ himself, left the ninety and nine to tend to the one. "We are commanded to seek out those who are lost. We are to be our brother’s keeper. We cannot neglect this commission given by our Savior. We must be concerned for the one." I know all of these things and yet, I did completely the opposite on Saturday night. Not only was I not concerned for her, but I allowed myself to be swayed by another person’s judgement of her. Elder Wirthlin gives three reasons for why people are lost– some because they are different, some because they are "weary," and some because they have strayed. Tracy fits into all three of these categories for sure. Not only did I not seek the one, but I did completely the opposite by letting the opportunity pass me by. I decided I’m going to call her to apologize to her for not saying hi to her and invite her to institute.

I guess this has been long enough.. doubt anyone will make it clear down to here. PS- I got another job working at a cafe.

--Witty

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