Wow.............I can't believe that I completed my first 5K!!!!  I know 3.2 miles is not that great of a feat but when your not a runner its huge.  At least that is how I feel about.  The race started alittle after 0800 and I came across the finish line in 39:52!!  Not the greatest time, but I didn't finish last and most of all I finished!!!  It feels great to have accomplished this goal and believe or not I am looking forward to my next one in September!!! 

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About four weeks ago I was called to be the assistant girls camp director!  A bit of back ground...... I went to girls camp once!! Absolutely despised it!! Mainly because in my eyes it wasn't camping!  So when I first heard of the calling I was a bit hesitant, but excepted it any way.  Well last night we had a meeting with the Stake and last year at camp they did pedicures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just about fell out of my chair!!  Now don't get me wrong.................girls camp is for the girls and suppose to be fun, but sheeesh!!!! 

I guess I just feel that this is so not camping and completely feel out of my element.  Maybe its in part that I am NOT a girlie girl (never had a pedicure, doubt I ever will).  I've been a medic for 11 years and 5 of those years were spent on SAR.  And I guess apart of me feels that these girls are not being given the knowledge that could and would be useful in an outdoor/survival situation.

And yes I have read the camp manual.

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Infertilty has been my cross for way too long.  I can not change it.  It is what it is and I remain powerless over it.  However,  I am not powerless on how I choose to react to it.  I am more then a bit ashamed on how I have let it completely control my life.  A life that was becoming increasingly bitter. 

The last little while I have felt the urge to return to school and obtain my BSN (and perhaps my masters).  As I have really contemplated the thought has come to my mind...............I may not be able to have one but why can't I help more then just one.  As a nurse  I will have the ability to touch so many childrens lives! 

We have recently put in an application in another state that has a college!  We are hoping and praying that my husband will get a position there.  So as of right now we wait!

So I will remain "Pleased, but not satisfied."

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On Wednesday March 25th my father called at work and informed me that his good friend had inoperable cancer.  He was released from the hospital to go home to die.  On Saturday the 28th we drove down to Colorado where we were able to spend time with him and his family.  Many wonderful stories where told and many laughs were shared.  On Sunday evening we were able to leave saying our goodbyes.  On Monday night our dear friend passed from this mortal life. 

I am so very thankful for the knowledge that we have a loving Heavenly Father.  I know without doubt that this dear man is not suffering and that we will see each other again.  I am thankful for the knowledge that him and his wife were sealed for time and all eternity.

As sad as this past week has been it allowed my to reunite with dear people from past.  It has also taught me a great deal about friendship.  That friendship can and will survive distance and time.  If I can be half the friend that my father and Bill was that I truly have treasures beyond measure.

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For the past several months I have belonged to an organization called Soldier's Angels (http://www.soldiersangels.org/).  It is a charity organization that sends cards and care packages to our much deserving military.  I honestly didn't know how much joy I would receive by participating.  I also do not expect any replies as I know our military down time is limited and that they have family who need to be kept up to date. 

Today, however, I got a pleasant surprise in my mail.  It was a letter from a group of Marines that I had sent a care package to.  I was informed that this group was in need of some support and I gladly accepted.  Marines hold a special place in my heart so I was happy and eager to help.  I also tend to get teary eyed and sappy and it was no different as I read their letter.  These young men belong to the EOD Section (the USMC Bomb Squad).  They basically take apart the roadside bombs when they are found!  I would like to share a part of the letter..........

"I can tell you that we have made a difference out here, regardless of what the media says.  The Iraqi's have taken back their country and our country is much safer because of that.  We enjoy what we do and are very proud to be a part of such a great nation...."

All I can add is that it is an honor and a privilege to serve these great young men.  May the good Lord bless them and keep them all safe from harm.

Semper Fi

Tags: Service

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I commute a fair distance to work and having all that time on my hands allows me time to think.  Last night was one of those times.  I used to sing a lot.  I took voice lessons in college, I was in theatre, and I was always in a choir.  Music played such an important part in my life and as I was driving it occurred to me that it has been over 10 years since I sang a solo.  (Not that I am any good by any means)  It was then that I realized that I have lost “my voice”.  I didn’t just stop singing; I lost my reason to sing.  As I look back it is also when I started to struggle with my testimony.   I came to the conclusion that in many ways my “voice” is tied to my testimony.  I can recall singing hymns and other gospel music and the joy that literally “swelled my heart”.    I still sing in church, but to be perfectly honest something from within is missing.  Please do not misunderstand I know without a doubt that the gospel is upon the earth and that we do have a living Prophet who guides and directs us.  My struggle is where I fit in.  Where is my place?  Do I even have a place?  Because I am not a mother will I ever have a place?  My struggle with infertility has left a gaping hole in my heart.  I used to know that there would come a day that I would hold and softly sing to my precious little one.  I believed that my voice could be my child’s source of comfort.  Those and so many more gave me reason to sing.  As I lost those reasons somewhere along the way I allowed myself to get lost.  Fortunately, for me I have a wonderful man at my side that loves and cares for me beyond measure.  He is my compass.  He is my anchor!  He still hears “my voice” when I cannot.

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Just Let Me Cry

Hilary Weeks

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We’re not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate

But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected

And we’re forced to face our deepest pain

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under

I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground

Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger

And there’s nothing I can do but let out

Just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel

Isn’t going away today

Just let me cry

Till every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break

But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling

And I know in time He’ll take the pain away

But for now

Just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel

Isn’t going away today

Just let me cry

Till every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

I have felt joy the kind that makes my heart want to sing

And so my tears are not a surrender

I’ll feel that way again

But for now

For this moment

Just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel

Isn’t going away today

Just let me cry

Till every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason

This last week was hard.  I am extremely happy for my sister-law as she is expecting her second child.  The news was a surprise and the tears just wouldn't stop.  I know that at times that my wonderful husband can't read the emotions behind the tears. (then again what man can)  But the tears were not because she is pregnant, the tears were because I cannot.  The tears were accumulation of the realization that that dream is no longer within my grasp. 

I've yearned to know why, even though it isn't my place to ask.  So "for this moment just let me cry". 

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