This whole blog is going to be a bit jumbled and convoluted, but this is the first time i've sat down and tried to think in detail about what happened, and its terrifying just thinking about it....but hopefully it will make sense.
This morning I had my BLS certification (CPR for the healthcare professional) for nursing school and on the way home I wasn't feeling all that fantastic. There is something wrong with my heart that makes me pass out every now and then. It use to happen several times a day, but I know how to catch it better now and it only happens every now and then. Everytime i've lost conciousness I know its going to happen. I can feel my heart rate going way to fast (250+ BPM) and my blood pressure dropping way too low and have anywhere from 1-3 minutes before I lose conciousness. Today was different though.
i was almost home and coming down one of the country roads, and out here because of all the flooding they build the pavement up at least 18 inches or so obove the ground and then make V shaped ditches on the side of the road 4-6 ft deep and at very sharp angles to try to guide the water along. I was driving down a road that was 2 feet high in pavement, and then dropped off at a really sharp angle into the V shaped ditch and all i can remember is waking up as my car was skidding and swirving across the road into the opposite lane.
As I woke up and realized the vehicle was out of control, I felt it teeter back and forth and was afraid it would flip because I've heard exploreres are top heavy and i was making some pretty sharp swirves in the road. Anyways..thats all I really remember and it was scary enough, but there was someone who was driving behind me and when I pulled over after i got the truck back in control he stopped and rushed out to see if I was ok. Apparently what I remembered was only the very end of what happened. He told me the whole story through tears.
I guess i must have blacked out and went off the road into that V shaped ditch...i had both passenger tires riding along that (the ditch is about 4 feet deep) and my driver side tires were still on the road, meanwhile the undercarriage of my truck was dragging along that 2 foot bank of pavement. the tire marks in the slope of the ditch go for about 60 yards so that entire time i was teetering back and forth....the guy that was following me said that i rolled onto two wheels at least 4 times that he counted and he thought i was going to tip and roll the truck each time. He said that i stayed up on just the two passenger wheels for a miraculously long time, balancing back and forth each time, before my truck slammed back down into the pavement. the whole time the undercarriage was dragging and bouncing across the pavement to the point where along the path that it happened the surface and a good 2 inches or so of pavement was shaved and scratched out of the road by the frame of my truck.
I wasn't wearing a seatbelt and i must have bounced around quite a bit because i bit my tongue and the inside of my cheek pretty bad which left blood all over the inside of my explorer. I have a couple of large bumps on my head and bruising up and down my arms and legs.
The whole time the guy couldn't get over the fact that the truck stayed in a relatively straight line and that it didn't roll or flip over. He kept saying that Jesus came and took the wheel. he wanted me to go to the hospital, but just followed me home instead.
I walked out to where it all happened a few hours later to see if I had dropped anything out of the undercarriage during the ordeal. Looking back at the tracks and marks in the pavement....the whole thing is kinda impossible. there is no possible way that my car could have kept from rolling, the whole time it was on a ridiculous tilt and half the time it was balancing on just the two passenger wheels...and i was speeding and going 65 miles an hour. Explorers, especially older ones like mine are known for rolling with just a sharp turn, let alone a steep angle. It is simply impossible that while unconcious, the wheel just happened to stay steady enough and the truck was able to defy the laws of physics at 65 miles an hour...I had all the windows down, the sunroof open, and my seatbelt off. I was at least an hour from the closest hospital and I am on a high dose of blood thinners. Had the truck rolled I would have either died immediately or bled to death before I could get to a hospital.
I know that the Lord was watching over me, and not only watching but stepping in and taking the wheel when I couldn't. This is a lesson to me in so many ways. My life for a while has been flying out of control. I have been spiritually teetering between death and pain and somehow the Lord has helped avoid death so far. And if I admit that I can't handle the wheel anymore, He'll take it and guide me pack to the safer road again. It is so amazing that the Lord will so literally save us both physically and spiritually...I suppose that is the atonement...Christ overcame physical and spiritual death so we could live. Its all so amazing.
This experience has raised some questions though. Looking back at the skid marks and the carved pavement and the wheel marks in the grass...I should be dead. The Lord was incredibly merciful because I am not in a position where meeting him would be a happy and joyous situation where he could say "well done, thou good and faithful servant". Im more in the stages of asking the mountains to fall on top of me to hide my guilt. Thankfully the Lord kept me safe and is giving me more time to repent...but what happens if you run out of time before you repent? What happens if you've never started the repentence process and die, and then what happens if your working towards repenting of something terrible but just aren't there yet?
so...this is going to seem ridiculous and insignificant to anyone who reads it...but its kinda big deal to me! I got an email from a professor i took a class with 2 months ago at 10pm saying that if I didn't come in and take one of my makeup tests at 9 this morning he'd fail me. Mind you I was in the hospital for the last month of the class and missed 2 exams AND all the lectures and have been trying to get in contact with him for 2 months to arrange to finish the course...ANYHOW...I was freaking out because lets face it, microbiology is freaking hard and if I don't finish this class within the next couple weeks I get kicked out of nursing school...well..i spent all night cramming 3 weeks of material into my not-so-good-at-remembering-my-name brain and still felt like I was completely unprepared for the exam this morning. I hate to admit it, but I was REALLY tempted to cheat...i mean i would be sitting in my professors office alone and could very easily just pull out all the notes...OR I could just call my friend who was in the class and get all the answers to the test...and i was kinda planning on doing either of those things because this test is REALLY important. But then i started thinking about where i am right now spiritually (bad place) and how much I want to change that...and figured that even though i could just repent for it, i needed to take the opportunity to show the Lord that my standing with Him is more important than my career. So I prayed about it and told the Lord that i really wanted to just get the test taken care of through less than integral means but that i wasn't going to. I didn't really even ask Him to help me on the test because I don't really feel worthy right now of petty things like that...BUT when I sat down to take the test I knew EVERY answer...it was 12 pages long of fill in the blank and short answer and I knew every term and definition and process..even ones i didn't remember even reading about last night. I am pretty sure that I made at least a 97 on the exam. Here is the thing...choosing to be honest instead of cheating should be a given thing, its something the Lord commands and I ought to not even struggle with breaking that command...but I really did...and the Lord really and truly isn't required to help me just because I chose not to do the bad thing and yet He COMPLETELY did...how much love and mercy does that show! He is amazing...He poured out the blessings when all I did is follow a commandment and principle that should be completely basic to my character...I'm really not at all worthy for His help because of everything i've done over the past year, and yet even in the eternally insignificant aspects of my life He is completley there for me...I wonder how much more support He must be giving me in overcoming sin and returning to Him that I don't even realize...if He is willing to give me help on a dumb micro test then He must be doing so much more in my real struggles...I can't feel the spirit but He is still finding ways to let me know that He loves me...I love that. hehe...ok im done rambling..thanks for reading.
I've never written a blog...but I need to just vent and I don't particularly want what I say to be in my journal forever, so i'll just vent here. I've been struggling with a sexual addiction for a few years, and about 9 months ago I let that fall further into completely breaking the law of chastity. I've been trying so hard to repent...praying morning and night, reading scriptures and actually studying them morning and night, meeting with my bishop and agreeing to a disciplinary council (still waiting to find out when that is)...trying so hard to fix everything, but its getting so much harder to keep doing those things and not go back to giving in to the addictive behaviors. Everynight is literally a war. i stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning trying to keep myself busy so I won't give in and I am getting so exhausted. I am out of energy to keep fighting and I am emotionally spent. Tonight I was just perusing through the different threads and forums and read some things that confirmed my fears. I feel like no amount of repentence will make me worthy for a celestial marriage again and for a man who who love me and respect me and honor his priesthood and temple covenants. I can't fix things. i am always going to be a "candy store that was repeatedly and enthusiastically looted" with empty shelves, or as this person also so aptly put it, a cow who's milk was all stolen before I was bought.....there isn't much of a point to putting all of this effort in, because i'll never be anything but someone who gave up virtue.
FairLDS.org
LDS.org
MormonWiki
Mormon Encyclopedia
FARMS