I have never been an exceptionally elegant speaker, writer or blogger.  My words tend to fall flat or get lost in a sea of mish mash.  Thoughts and feelings bungled up with meaningless statements, trying to form into powerful feelings.  As far as sharing goes, that happens rarely to never.  But since no one will probably ever read this little blog of mine, I feel safe in my attempt to gracefully share the daily life of a childless mother.  

Since childhood, my only thought and my only goal was to get married and have children.  Psychological  experts say this desire is born of a difficult, painful and challenging childhood of my own resulting in the need to make a better life for my own children and give what I felt was not given to me.  Some will say this desire is rooted in my partial upbringing of faith in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Mormonism to some, and its teachings that the mission and purpose of a woman is to marry and procreate to bring souls from heaven.  And atheists would say this is an innate desire to have purpose, meaning in this life of mine in a world of insignificant tasks and selfish desires.  Regardless of the cause, reason or instigation of my desire, it is still there and has turned into an unfulfilled desire for the first 40 years of my life.  Now faced with the unavoidable fact that the tumors have grown larger than grapefruits and I can no longer stand the pain or avoid the reality that they must go and all of my "motherhood" along with it.  I say motherhood not to be politically correct but to verbalize my feelings on the subject.  My purpose in life according to me has always been to become a mother.  As a young woman I never finished college and never had any aspirations of a career in the workforce.  My lifes goal has always been to become a wife and a mother. 

When I was 26, I felt my journey within my grasp.  A quick ceremony and a successful start on my path to being a "real woman".  Fulfilling my calling in life, becoming the perfect wife and mother.  Never having a perfect childhood, I blundered my way through cleaning....ironing EVERYTHING down to the boxer shorts and, yes, even the socks.  Making sure every corner was free of dust dirt and any possible accumulations.  Early to bed and early to rise, providing all the necessary comforts a woman can.l  Cooking,which wasn't so perfect, cleaning and laundry were done in a timely fashion while never forgetting a shower and makeup.  It seemed my goal had finally come to fruition.  With my efforts and heart, how could the Lord NOT bless me with a child.  Those first few months were amazing.  I would have to say, one of the best periods of my life.  But it seems in some way to have been forecast to come to an end when, before we were married, the bishop had stated to "him" in an interview that he should marry me or "get out of the way" so someone else could.  For not 2 months after becoming a wife, on Halloween, a storm came and with it brought a cough, then an infection, then multiple infections.  Not being 2 or three days between each new one.  After a few months of that and a close call with death from an allergic reaction to antibiotics, the pain came.  And then the pronouncement, that would change my life forever, that I was sick.

Tags: Childlessness

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