There have been several blogs these past few weeks on leaving the church, coming back to the church, and friends being exposed to the church’s sometimes not so pretty and rarely talked about past digressions.  Each time I came across one, I was going to respond and then something pulled me away.  I came back and lo and behold, another one, again, sitting down to respond and would not ya know it, pulled away again.  Then I got a call last week from the bishopric, asking me to speak in church Sunday on the strengthening power of grace and specifically asked me to “get personal”.  Today, I sat down to take a peak again at the blogs and there was another post, this time from the perspective of a friendship lost due to one leaving the fold.  I guess now is my time to blog.  Nope, the phone did not ring right now either!  

I have been down this road and back again.  I lived my life doing all the right things, but not understanding what it meant when Alma said, “Have you experienced the mighty change?” (He was talking to the members there ya know!).  I did not have the right power source and a power pack big enough, with the right fuel to carry me through some pretty big events.  I had a sister and brother-in-law who started a polyamorous polygamous group in our tiny little town and stake, only to have priesthood leaders (rightfully so) basically burn anything and everything around them.   During that time, I came into contact with all the anti-Mormon, anti-Joseph literature, some fact based, some just the ranting of those that want to make trouble and that was the final blow to my power source.  I had NO idea what I believed in where the church was concerned.  I did know that HF loved me, Jesus died for me and I decided to just start over from there.  I went so far as to have my name removed from the records of the church.  I kept myself inside the Christian faith, living the laws I knew were right (morally clean, never smoked, only rarely had a drink) and kept my kids in a church and youth program as well.  To make a long (and somewhat interesting story) short, 8 years later, a degree in Religious Studies from a secular university, I started to feel that pull home.  It was time to go home.  I had gotten to this place where I realized it was so unhealthy and unreasonable for me to expect ANY leader, prophet or not, to be without sin, without flaws, without the ability to make a mistake.  Jonah, Noah, Abraham, DAVID, they ALL were with flaws, some bigger than others.  As for Joseph Smith’s flaws, goodness, at least he did not have the husband of a women he was lusting after killed!  It was all in the perspective.  I realized that I had incorrect expectations of those to whom I would follow.  The other AND MOST IMPORTANT issue was that I had to KNOW that Christ was MY Savior, he died for ME, and grace was MY gift.  That was recognizing that no matter what, Heavenly Father loved me and wanted me to be with Him.   

What was so profound in this process for me what that those who had known me my whole life, did not give up on me.  They did not nag me, but they kept themselves in my life.  They were there.  I only discussed my doubts and readings with those that I knew could handle the information (had been exposed to it) and knew they could answer my questions and guide me through the process.  I can guarantee you that most wondered if I would ever make it through.  BUT I DID!  And, I know that there is nothing that can/will cause me to walk away again.  I have been through re-baptism (my children were present and it was an awesome experience), as well as now, getting prepared in having my temple blessings restored.  

I say these things not to get kudos, cause that just feels weird, but as a testimony to anyone and everyone who has walked this road, had the doubts, read the “stuff” and questioned the validity of it all; and that when you set all the intellectual stuff aside, when you set aside all your pride, when you dig deep, there is something there, inside of you, innate within your being that will call you home.  It is YOUR process, YOUR path and YOURS to know yourself.  Let no one rush you.  Just keep moving. 

If any of you are out there, who would like to chat personally, I am here.  I know where you are, where you have been and can just be that person who is not afraid to hear the “stuff”. 

To those I have read this week who are feeling the pull home, keep moving too.  I do know the peace that it brings.  Peace, ahhh what a wonderful word!

Tags: Rebaptism Anti-mormon Literature Peace Hope

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I was reading the forum on Sis Beck’s talk and the back and forth on how it has been received and was going to comment, but instead decided to be blog it here.  So, here are my two cents.  I have been single until an age beyond what is “normal” (That’s a joke) – 27.  I married, had three children, and then had single parenthood thrust upon me (for no want of my mine) for over 10 years.  My children were 4, 3 and 6 months at the time.  I am now remarried (for 7 years), have children out of the house and within 2 years will be an empty nester.   I have been a stay-at-home mom, a full-time working mom with a career (single, and at the time when my children were in their formative years), a working-from-home mom (FT), but now PT.  I guess you can say I have experienced the spectrum.  I did not marry until I was 27, sort of intentionally, wanting to have experiences and never knew if I really wanted children.   

Okay, so all of that background to say this.  There is no other responsibility in this earthly existence that is more important than your child/children, especially in the world in which they are brought into today.  No “quality” time replaces the “quantity” of time lost, when your children are in the care of someone, other than yourself.  Parenthood, motherhood by its nature demands sacrifice from us.  We can reason, rationalize, and in this economy even go as far as to say it is financially necessary to replace our responsibilities as mothers/parents with work, but its not.   I know this is going to fan a flame to those that feel they are justified in choosing to be outside the home and my intention is not to do that.  I speak from experience.   I have been complimented on what great kids I have, and they are pretty cool kids, BUT, they are all struggling in one way or another.  They have wrestled with feelings of abandonment, not just by their dad, but by their mom, who no longer was there for them.   We are a very communicative family and for all that, there was nothing, short of being there for them, that would have helped.  The church was/is wonderful in its role of “village” when I was a single parent, but it was not adequate enough for the loss.  

Whether by choice or circumstance, there are consequences to putting other choices above your choice of motherhood first.  That is the point that Sis Beck is trying to communicate.   I do not know how many times I have cried out “what about me?  Why does MY mood have to set the tone?  Why do I have to be the one to…?  Why is it MY responsibility to…?  Why cant I be able to leave and work and YOU stay home…?  And after I get quiet and vulnerable, it comes to me peacefully that its my part, its my job, its my role and that’s what He desires for me.   I have learned my greatest lessons from being a mother.  I have refined my best working skills from being a mother and managing my home, as I have managed my business.  I have been blessed from cutting back on work and focusing more of my time on my family and my role as wife, mother and daughter of my Heavenly Father.  I wish I would not have fought it so hard sometimes, but oh how I have learned the blessings from submission.  Funny, I choose to submit to my Heavenly Father’s desires for me.  It no longer sounds weak, but pretty powerful to me. 

Tags: Motherhood Sacrifice Submission

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I realized this last month that the weight of this world we live in can crush the spirit.  Now, I bet when you were in your “young adult” years you thought that the only weights dropped were more like Wile E. Coyote dropping an Anvil on the Road Runner.   One big heavy massive weight, coming out of nowhere and SPLAT.   I kept my eye out for that anvil and one day, when I was 45, realized the odds of the ANVIL splatting me are actually worse than the odds of my winning the lottery.  What I did realize is that darn coyote was pelting me with tiny pebbles every time I passed by until one day, my “beep-beep” was almost nonexistent and my legs were no longer moving in speedy circles.   Then it hit me, why did I keep taking that same path, just taking on those pebbles as if it was just a part of life that I had to tolerate.   It was at that moment that I remembered a Scott Anderson talk from my youth, where he comically (but all too truthfully) characterized Satan as the little imp on our shoulders, spraying us with those little pebbles.  I also remembered how Bro. Anderson humorously told us to turn and face the little imp and in no uncertain terms just flick him off your shoulder!  That still now applies to all of us “oldies” too.  It was just as simple!  It was just as easy!  I wanted the attitude of that happy, joyful, optimistic 26-year-old back!  Right there and then I decided I had the power to do it.  Hey, its not like my life hasn’t been filled with stuff that others would say entitled me to an attitude of life-weariness and I let myself own that entitlement for a few years too many!   Abigail Adams had it right (that was one smart woman for her time) when she said of her trials in life, “I will not forget the blessings which sweeten life”.  

So my point today, life is full of lots of pelting, from the big anvils to the little, constant pebbles.  BUT, we do not have to let it bruise and batter us.  We do not need to walk around lamenting of our pain or fate.  We have been given the most hopeful message of peace and it is ours to embrace.  I know for me, that this promise is what gives me the armor that protects me from the assault on my spirit.  I cant change the attacks coming my way, but I can change how I dodge them, deal with them and when possible, avoid them.   

Tags: Happiness Joy Hope

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