I am sitting in bed with a mountain of work to do.  I just feel like the energy has been drained from my body.  I need to find the motivation to get up and get busy.

I was asked to give a talk this month - the first talk in over 4 years.  I dont mind giving talks.  It was on a talk given by Elder Bednar and our temple attendance. It was a great talk and I so needed to study those blessings of temple attendance. Afterwards, I got a ton of people stopping me and hugging me...telling me how strong the spirit was.... how great the talk was.... I recall once, where a little of me felt the spirit... but why didnt I feel the spirit?... I felt nothing.  I believe the only reason people came up to me in the mass numbers they did....was because I bore my testimony - that the past three months would have crushed me... I would have crumbled...going through everything I have, if I hadnt been to the temple 4 times (temple by the way is far from here).  So I think they felt sorry for me because everyone all of a sudden wants to hug me (and I dont like hugs).

I got a friend of mine in the church a job... I felt like it was what I was supposed to do...and I was so happy -she had been looking for a job for a long time...shes in a loveless marriage where they say they are just waiting for their house to sell to separate (I dont feel like they are gonna...but anyways)... I was so happy... but then... now... Friday she cried when she left because I work with 2 biotchs that dont like me and have decided to make her life miserable (cuz shes a softy that wont stand up for herself). SO did I really do good by getting her a job there?

I emptied out part of my basement to a family in the ward that only the 16 yr old daughter is a member...it was teh 2nd load of things...(you remember the girl I took shopping).  The spirit whispered the whole time not to give her the computer stuff, tv stuff...etc....but I did anyways because I wanted it out of my basement.  Then Wednesday... another member (less active)... had her house burn down.  I could have given her those things (cuz other family I KNOW have plenty now)  so I gathered up what I could find... and went from there.  I got some collections from work...  And as i was giving my bishop's (whom I love like a father) wife home from work (because she is super awesome and have given her car to a member of the church to use until further notice)... a ride home.. she says... she asked the RS pres if I could teach her lesson next week since I was in the RS pres..... she didnt really ask me... she just sorta told me I was going to do it...  so why did I get upset?  Shes a sweet person that never assumes anyone will do anything and is always donating all she has (including time) to our ward members... so why did I want to scream at her.

My days start at 630-645 am.. I rush for the next hour to get myself and my girls ready and out the door. Fight traffic for 25 min to the Daycare... Rush to put their stuff away ...passing words to the teachers...hugs kisses...tears... Off to work by 830. Where I love my job but hate 2 people who have the ability to make my life hell. I am micromanaged by a peer and my boss is spineless and soooooooooooo whimpy that he admitted last month when 2 ladies quit (one for health one because they couldnt take the 2 other ladies) that he would have fired them a long time ago but just couldnt because he knew they depended on the job. (hes a super nice guy---too nice).  So I work my tail off, buried under work because even though Im new...all the producers prefer to work with me...so Iam bogged down.  Then, even though I am supposed to leave at 5 and 430 on Fridays ... I never leave until 515 and if I am not picking up my kids 6pm.... off to the daycare where i get greeted with Hugs....and by the time I hit the car...screams, cries, etc because of being tired and hungry.  I throw something together for dinner (I never "make" dinner anymore) play with the girls until bathtime at 8 (cuz my kids dont sleep...we cant go to bed before 830 or they are up at 3am)  and they are FINALLY asleep between 9-915.  Then I clean out backpacks, make lunches for the next day.. pick out clothes...and lay everything out.  I crawl into bed by 10... jump on the net for an hour or so... and start all over again.

Did I know I would live a life like this?  And I really said... OK?  Or is "there something just around the riverbend?"

Oh and I have a friend whom I have confided everything in... that recently I realized that if they cant tell people I am friends with them... that they are close to me... then is it a relationship that is heathly for me? I am not sure. I am confused because this friend has the ability to make me feel better - so why now do I keep getting the feeling that until they are comfortable with us being friends...then I should probably not put so much into them.  And so I feel like Ive just lost by best friend.

LOL OK..so this is sounding like a BAD country love song... hate my job, work too hard, lost my dog...lost my best friend...lol

OK - sometimes - I just need to type it out to feel better!

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August Ramblings:

So I would say my summer has been a rotten one full of blessings. June was like falling off a building and trying to catch my breath but not being able to.  It was a rollercoaster of emotion.  Numbness set in for July and things beared along fine with the holiday.  I visited with my family and survived with no major fighting.

My daughter stayed with my sister for the first time ever.... and I realized how much I love my little bad sleeper.  I have never pined for someone like I pined for her those days.  It didnt help that she wanted nothing to do with me on the phone....even though I kept trying to call over and over.

It was nice though to have some quality one on one time with Abby.  Abby has such the personality.  She really amazes me.  She is compassionate, funny, gregarious, and faithful (as a 2 yr old can be).  She LOVES nursery and helps the other kids adjust.  She tells me her lessons and seems to "get them".

I went to the Hill Cumorah Pagent again and celebrated my 19th year in the church.  What a transformation I have made in that time.  My understanding of sacred things has increased so much.

August has found the numbness wearing off and now having to deal with some of the things I was able to bottle up or push past before. 

I know I am lucky because for each terrible thing that has happened, the Lord has placed in my path either a great person, kinds words, generous job offers, obviously answered prayers, and good friends.  This tends to make for a bit of up and down though.  But the downs arent as far and the ups are lasting longer :)  Despite a few nights of tears, Im holding things together quite well. Yeah..If I say so myself heheh.

I am so grateful for my girls. I love them with all my heart. I know my Heavenly Father has entrusted me with them. I try to take every chance to tell them about Jesus and Heavenly Father.  I look forward to the day when I can have support in doing this.

Im really unsure of the future. Im switching jobs and my precious ladies will be in an all day preschool/daycare program.  I have struggled and sacraficed so much so that would never happen and yet, here we are.  I feel like I have failed them.  I know its not a divine right to stay home with my kids, but heck, it sure would have been nice.  I pray that they will do well and thrive and that it will strengthen my relationship with them instead of lesson it.  I also hope they dont pick up too many bad habbits.

I could play the what if... should'a, could'a, would'a game - but what will that get me- I mean really? No where.  I am grateful for a few people - online that have been supportive and compassionate during the past few months.  And for those who have not - well I pray for them. I pray they never encounter anyone like themselves when they are struggling.  And I am really grateful for a friend in my ward, who knows all about me and is going through many of the same things.  I learned she is leaving to move back home - where life will be easier.  I wish I had a place like that to retreat to.  But more than anything, my heart aches because I truly needed her closeness and her support.  She's been a great friend and funny - the first time I saw her some 3 yrs ago (when life was good)... the spirit whispered... "she will become your great friend".  2.5 yrs past and I thought - I cant ever be friends with her....  And then low and behold, she bore her testimony and I realized we had something in common.  She had been my VT but (shhh shes not very good at doing that) so I hadnt really gotten to know her... until now.  And we are strikingly the same.  She can make me laugh through my tears.  I find these friends a lot. My problem is they always seem to move away as soon as a strong bond is made.  And while Id love for her to stay here - I know she is right - it will be easier for her there.

And so I am left.. on the eve of my last day of work at my current job.... feeling my Savior's love but feeling the pains of the summer.  I hope these dont linger to winter.... because Im a sun baby - I need sun to be happy... so if winter sets in and we have those grey white clouds for weeks on end... well... it could be bad... I dread winter.  I want my summer back.

Im grateful for the strength the Lord has provided and look forward to standing taller in the near future.

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You Are

    -Missingsomething  (copyrighted)

When I think of you, my love,

I realize that you are…

The wind that stirs the ocean.

The sun that lights the earth.

The fire that warms the body.

The water that gives life.

When I think of your words…

When I remember your touch…

When I let my mind drift to the future…

I realize that, for me, you are…

The love that stirs my heart.

The hope that lights my path.

The passion that excites my soul.

The faith that sustains my spirit.

For when I think of you dear love,

Just as the world is whole,

With you, I know that I am whole.

Tags: Poetry Love

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So Ive been to Punxsutawney PA - great - I dont recognize anyone anymore.... have I really been gone that long?

Now 3 days with my sister... and family... and one full day in we arent ready to kill each other yet!

THank goodness for simple blessings.

I am on a ledge I cant yet step off... but I feel that I am ready.  But I know that my feet are stuck where they are for a reason.  Soon enough I will be able to jump off.... soon enough.  My feet must slow down my mind.

A good lesson that I have learned, and ironically, I learned this by talking to someone else - trying to help them through a problem. ... it is easier to be the maryter than it is to be a partner!!

I'm grateful for the love and compassion that my Heavenly Father shows me. And that He knows and anticipates my needs.

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I sat and watched the planes take off

I sat and watched mothers google over their children...

I saw youth bop around with IPODS in ear

I saw couples say goodbye to their vacation...

And I observed person after person pass me

As I sat. And wait.  And Sat. And Waited.

Then my turn came... plane when up.. then it dropped. Then it played shaker with me.

And then it landed with a bump.

And then I waited. And waited, and waited... No luggage.

Finally tracked my simple black bag down (considered leaving it) and called my shuttle.

And then I waited. And waited, and waited.

Finally tracked down my car in a massive lot and drove 2.5 hrs home at midnight.

But the whole time I speeded along, trying to keep my eyes from closing... I wondered?

Why is it I am rushing home? What is it I came home for?

There seems to be so much more for me where I left.

Oh yes, then I remembered... shes two and shes four

And even though they told me they didnt miss me, and thought my gifts were not "just right"

I rushed, and prayed, and pined to get home.

I hate airports now... they are a place of sorrow, a place of separation, and a place of goodbyes.  But oddly, Im tickled pink that I got a voucher to do it all again! 

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Today is a hard day. Today I become a single parent--but not truly. I guess... today I become a single half unit.  Id be a fool to say Im confident in the future... .and a liar if I said I was not afraid of the challenge.  In the peace of the temple, where satan can not penetrate.... I know that I will be ok.  I know the Lord will lift my burdens and carry me along - so long as I do the foundation work of praying and reading and doing what Im supposed to do.

Today, my life changes and I hope and pray it will be a change for the better and that I will not be too worn in the journey.

Tags: Faith

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Ok so Im typing out my poetry - they arent great, but they are mine.  I wish I had the talent to express what my mind wants to express.

http://charspoetry.blogspot.com/

Tags: Poetry

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So why is it, all my life I have made acquitances very easily... you know the kinda people you talk to at work/school... go to lunch with.... know lots about each other.... but very very few friends that I can hang out with outside of work/school?  I am so much a people person and would love to have someone to connect to outside of work/church.  I dont feel "friendless" or alone ... I just wish I could develope more of these relationships into more. 

More than anything this makes me question myself... what am I doing wrong? I make efforts - but people just dont call back or we can never make our schedules work... or I just loose interest.  Is this a defect on myself? Am I annoying or bothersome? Am I too assertive or arrogant in the eyes of others??  Do I just emit the energy that I am A-OK on my own?

Because Im not.  I need relationships so badly.  Even church -on Sunday everyone will come up to me - talk and laugh. But come Sunday at 2pm - I wont hear from them again until Sunday at 8:30. Over the past 6 mo I made a real effort - tried to set up going to lunch... play dates... offered to do a mini girls night out dinner... "lets go to the movies"... "I'll come help you paint..."  And each time I got a positive result - Sure, sounds great... Call me... lets get together....   So, I force myself to follow up .... and then I would get either no return call and on Sunday or the next time I see the person - oh sorry I didnt call back... OR I'd get.. wow its just so busy this week.  So for a few months, I tried again.  Now... I just dont want to keep bugging people for months when obviously they are not interested.

Im now in the RS presidency. I am not a super fan of RS but I do like my ward's RS more than any other. The lessons are just so boring - so much reading from the book (zzz)... and we dont do enrichment anymore so there is little time to foster relationships.  My entire VT list is inactive with the exception on one person who never has time to see us. And my own VT never see me. They drop a note off on Fridays every other month - a day they know I work and acknowledge I am not going to be there but that's the day they (both stay at home moms) have decided they would like to go because they go out to lunch afterwards. (Whatever ... just making a point)  So, im setting here - pondering... why is it that I have so many acquaintances and so few friends.

What burns more than anything - is that I will make a friend... someone whom i totally click with... and they either move or I do... and then I am forced to keep in touch over the computer.

I so want a vacation too- I would love to just get on a plane stay in a city with a friend for a day or two and return, refreshed and ready to muttle through every day life again.

What is wrong or defective about me??? If I could figure this out... I could work to improve.

Tags: Friendship

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Two weeks ago we found out that a girl who is 15 (the only memeber of her family) was left homeless due to a fire which caused a complete loss.  Im in the insurance business so I have seen this before.  But for some reason, this girl reminds me of me when I was her age.  I approached her that I wanted to take her to dinner and then clothes shopping.  Now I wont lie - things are better financially for my family than they have been in a long time -but I still didnt have this budgeted into my monthly expenses.  Another sister approached her as I was talking to her - overheard us, and offered to come too.  This was a relief for me because we could do more.

I picked this girl up from an aunts house - in the not so good part of town... and really enjoyed her company.  She is struggling with people whom I thougth she might be (people who like to tell her every little thing she does wrong (those pants are too tight, that skirt is too short, you shouldnt wear makeup yet, why cant you come to YW tonight- you need to MAKE it a priority, your mom should have come for your first talk, why do you stay up so late, you shouldnt be friends with that person they will be a bad influence,...get the picture?)  Anyways, we took her shopping and so much like me - she was completely uncomfortable because she knew there would be no way for her to pay us back.  She didnt want to pick out anything expensive (and by this I mean 15.00- we went to target).  I didnt look at one price tag because I didnt want her to worry. (Secretly, I was worried...)  After two long hours of trying to find modest clothing, we finished. And I was SHOCKED! We got an entire cart full of clothes, undergarments, shoes, socks, head bands, etc... and it only came to 299.  Now yes that is expensive - but an entire wardrobe for this girl! Church, lounge, bed, dress - got it all!  It was within what me and the other lady could split and do.

I loaded the many bags in the truck, and I instantly knew this was a blessing of me paying my tithing.  This was how the Lord was blessing me.  I closed the door - a little wet eyed, to see the girl run at me. She gave me a big hug.  I hate hugs by the way so while I felt smothered, I knew what this hug was communicating.

I dropped her off at home, met her family, saw her true situation and then got to my car and wept.  This girl has it so tough.  The fire in me (you know spit and vinegar)... made me want to call up a few of these sisters in the ward (who not only judge this girl but do so with everyone) and just LAY IT OUT ON THEM. I mean my heart was FLAMING with anger.  HOW DARE they give this girl a hard time instead of just encouraging her and making HER Load a little lighter rather than adding to it.  I said a prayer because I also knew this anger was not the right reaction.

I have things that have since come up in my life... and just when I start to feel stressed and worried, I think of this girl and all she is going through.... and while it maybe wrong, I am relieved.... relieved that I have my problems - and not hers.  Ive been there and I commit to showing her - with love and example - that you can overcome ANYTHING with the Lords help!

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