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I stole this from a friend so I can't take the credit I'm just passing it along.......

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!



An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

Depression is an interesting thing. It comes when you least expect it.  When you think you have changed, life has changed, others have changed. Isn't it interesting to look back and realize that nothing has changed. Maybe on the outside, but everything is the same on the inside. Maybe depression never really goes away. You can mask it, hide it, imagine it away, medicate it, but it is always there. Like a constant companion, always there for you when no one else is. It's sad when you really want things to change and they don't. But then how can you expect change when you can't do it yourself? Just wanting everything to change except you, change for you and around you. Sounds selfish but it's true.
Does trust ever really come back? I'm starting to think no. I don't think I have ever trusted anyone who has hurt or lied to me and I don't think that I am anymore trustworthy than they are to me. I can try but to me everything is a lie, whether it is small and insignificant or huge and important. When people talk, I think yeah they are lying out their butt. I don't see anyone as being honest or real. Everyone is pretending. Why I don't know. Why do we have to pretend? Why do we have to be someting we might not be? So afraid of what others will think.
I hate being told my feelings are invalid. That my lack of meds is talking instead of me. Are my feelings only valid if I'm medicated? Just because I am less prone to share how I really feel when I have the meds are those my real feelings? My real self? That in itself is depressing. A couple of weeks ago I lost my temper so bad I left the house and drove away. I totally get why that crazy mom off of Oprah jumped off a bridge. Litterally jumped or tried to anyway. Amazing that our feelings can push us so far off the deep end.

I had a dream about a beautiful baby named Lyla Louise.
I guess that's what happens when you talk about baby names before you go to sleep.
I am amazed at what a privledge it is to be able to carry a child. I have been so blessed to have so many. Yes, they are crazy, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just want to do everything for them, to give them everything and for them to have the best life they can.
I am so lucky to have found someone I want to be with forever. To have his child and to be his wife. I am so lucky and blessed.

I get to be a soccer coach! I can't hardley believe it. I don't really remember saying yes but they took it as such. I'm hoping that it will be fun. At least they are only 6! I guess I will have to get my behind in shape!

I have realized that there have been patterns in my life. They aren't good one's, in fact they destroy me from the inside out. I always thought that everyone else was beating me into the ground. And while there have been some, I am my worst enemy. My choices leave me unhappy and left wanting. Emotionally unavailable to everyone, opening up to no one. Hurting people I am supposed to love and care for. And why?

Well, I know my shrink will tell me it's because of my childhood. Having, what seemed to me. a fairly normal childhood. Then all the sudden finding out that you aren't supposed to be intimate with your dad. In fact that he was supposed to protect you from people that do that. That daughters aren't meant to be treated like a wife. I had no idea. Then the rug was pulled. My mom not knowing what to do sided with him (as always) helping him, being there for him. I was left with brothers who were resentful of me sending thier dad away and a mom who was so distraught that she worried about him. But she left me. Left me to deal with it by myself. To figure out life and all the heartache. Of course all the choices I made went downhill from there. I don't know of very many choices that were made without the need to be loved at all costs. I am tired of the excuse though. It seems like I should be able to make rational choices and not keep going back to that emptiness. But it always returns. Even though I went through the conseling that the church provided, they never told me how I would be broken inside. That I wasn't going to be magically fixed and live happily ever after, even thought that's what they implied. How was I to know it would plague me until I destroyed myself? That there is a huge cankering wound in my soul that only grows with each day? That sin doesn't matter because you have no feelings anyway? Empty doesn't even begin to descibe the feelings, or lack thereof.

And I have no idea how I let it get this far.

No one in my life should be subjected to this awfulness. I want to push everyone away. Away from the dark hole that holds me, so no one has to be near it and yet I want to hold on to them for dear life. What's best for them? I don't know. I guess I have to let them choose. To hold on or walk away. They will all have to choose. Which ever they choose is hard. It's all hard, it all hurts and I will still have to fix all this madness inside.
I have no doubts about fixing what's wrong. I simply can not live. I can't be whole like this and I never will until it gets fixed. And no one can do it but me. I used to think that someone I loved could come in and love me, make it go away. I was even very awful to him, making him think that my problems were his fault because he couldn't fix them and I thought he could. If he just did "enough" that I would be whole again. Hopefully someday he will be able to forgive me for being so ignorant about that and a lot of other things.
Peace is the goal. To be at peace with myself and with my family. To accept the things that we can't change. That the past is the past and I don't have to live there anymore. I can't change the past, but I can change the future for all of us.

I just wish is wasn't going to be so hard........................

Had our last soccer game. I have been tired of it for a while since I have no energy and feel like I don't know what I am doing most of the time. For the most part the game was pretty even. Then the other team got a few goals. Brayden got 2 goals and miracle of all miracles Ellie made a goal. I can't even describe the emotion of absolute and pure joy of seeing her make a goal. Both sides of the field and all the parents were cheering for her. I jumped up and down and picked her up and swung her around. Her smile was amazing. She was so proud. She is an amazing little girl. They found out a year ago that she hadn't been able to hear and she is relearning everything from scratch. I will actually miss my soccer kids. They are so sweet and cute. It's amazing that something so little would provoke emotion to me. Maybe I am ready for more emotion in my life. I was almost crying I was so happy and proud for her. Her dad has been bugging her about making a goal and saying he would take her to Mcdonalds if she made one. After the game I tried to hug all the kids. Tell them I was proud of them and thanks for being on my team. It was sad. I won't miss trying to get them to run, or not kick each other(they are 6 and 7 yr olds), but I will just miss their little personalities and smiles and craziness. It has been an interesting experience to say the least. And of course I would have never been able to do it without hubby's help. He has been so good with the kids and has always been there to help me with anything I have needed to do with soccer.

It's nice to find some joy in unexpected places.

"Going Under"

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm...

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)

I have always liked this song, never quite sure why until now. The depth of my sorrow has never been described as well as this. When I have a bad day I always listen to Evanescence, but I know now why....when depression has completely taken over your life, your heart and your soul, when you have been beaten down emotionally by those who are supposed to love and protect you. The darkness is deep, the pain overwhelming. No one understands. It so nice for everyone else who looks at me and could never tell, thinks I am happy.....what a nice life you have. Love is such an awful word. Over used and meaning little. For most of us there is no such thing as unconditional love. We all expect to be loved in return, to be truly loved, needed, wanted. And if we say we don't, we are lying. The basic concept of being loved how we need to be loved is so underated. When you can't feel loved......what an awful feeling. And maybe some of us are never meant to be happy. Maybe nothing will make me happy. Maybe there isn't anything that will make me happy. No amount of caring and concern will be enough. I have come to the conclusion that love is an action word. You can say it all you want, but without action it means nothing. Drowning is very acurate at this point.