Ok. So, here we go, recently I had a very dear friend of mine pass away. She was only 61. I am only 21. I have grown up with this woman my entire life. She even knew my father when he was quite a bit younger. She was what you would call an inspiration. At least for me she was, she always had the right thing to say, and as bad as it sounds, when I wanted to skip sunday school, she would let me hang out in the Church Library with her. When I found out she past away, I had a "movie moment"... where you stop in shock, and think of all the past times you can remember. What memories I had!! And I am thankful I have those to fall back on.

I went to the viewing and the graveside services. I met up with all her family, her youngest daughter is only 6 years old than I am, she we sat and spoke with her for a while. After a moment she walked out of the viewing room in which the caskett lay. She left with a smile, and came back in tears. She walked straight up to the caskett and stood there for about 15 min. telling her beloved mother good bye, and "see ya later". That broke my heart, I can't imagine what she is going through. I don't know what I would do without my mother.

After we went to the viewing we [ my parents and I] decided to get a bite to eat since my parents do not live in the same town as I do. While we were eating we talked about our friend, and that blessing it was for her to have her daughters be worthy to dress her in her temple clothing.

This was something I couldn't talk about. I am not a worthy member. In fact I have been inactive for a little over a year now. It is the first time in my life I am voluntarily inactive. As is, my older sister. So it came to me as a bullet straight to the heart, if anything happens to my mom at this moment in time, I am not able to give her that same blessing. WHAT HEART BREAK SHE MUST FEEL! I had to quickly stop that conversation. But it lingered in my mind.

I ask myself all the time, why do I not go to church? I have very firm beliefs. I wouldn't deny the church nor my testimony to save my life. I have had a few run ins, but nothing so bad as to why I can not go. I do not live worthy, but I could still go.... try to get back on the right track. I have read the scriptures, I have prayed [though it is something I struggle with].

I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't know how to start going again... .

Tags: Death Endowments Q & A

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