05-01-08  As my profile states, I'm just starting back to church after a long period of being inactive, and I'm searching to find my testimony.  I don't have a firm one at this point, though I think that is the way I am heading.  I know that I am holding myself back, but so far I'm not able to fix that problem.  Anyway, I ran into the Bishop last night, and he asked if I thought I was ready for a calling yet.  It scared me to death!

I know that if you are called, you should serve, because there is a reason for such things, even if we don't know why at the time.  But is it too soon?  I'm out of my depth here.  I haven't even started taking sacrament again yet.  I don't know what to do.  I'm supposed to set up a meeting with him in the next week or so (a follow up, not specifically for this), and I'm almost afraid to do so.

But he wouldn't be prompted to call me it wasn't right, right?  Help!!

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04/17/2008  Grandma turned 93 last month.  Grandpa passed away in 1998, and although she misses him terribly, Grandma has gotten along pretty well in the years since.  The last year or so, though, she's started to fade.  She went to the doctor Tuesday, and she's down to 84 pounds.  She's had high blood pressure her whole life, she suffered a very mild stroke a few years ago, she had open heart surgery about 6 years ago now, so I'm no stranger to the idea of losing my grandmother.  But, it has always been exactly that, an IDEA.  Now it's looking more like a reality than an IDEA.

Grandma is a member of the Church, so I'm thankful for that, but I'm simply not ready to let her go.  I know I should be happy that she'll be with Grandpa again soon, and I know all the platitudes I've uttered to others when the need arose, but I'm lost right now, I feel like I'm just drifting, not really anchored. I'd like to say at least I have my faith, but I'm just now working on getting that back.  I'm not all the way there yet.  I don't know.  I know everyone goes eventually, just not sure I handle it.

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04/04/2008  I started reading the Book or Mormon yesterday (just finished the Bible).  It's been years and years since I last read it, I was a teenager attending seminary.  I've been enjoying being back at church, and I'm hoping that my Book of Mormon study will bring me the answers I'm looking for.  I've felt so totally lost the last few years, lost in everything, career, family, spiritual life, friendships, finances.  I'm hoping the Lord will help me find some focus and direction in my life, the direction that He wants me to go.  Talking to other LDS members may help as well, I'm hoping!

04/08/2008  I'm making steady progress in my reading, I'm about halfway through 2 Nephi.  I found the Institute Manuals very helpful when reading the bible, and I'm finding the same thing to be true with the Book of Mormon.  I haven't been in a very good prayer place lately, though, so I really need to work on that.  I did however receive my reservation confirmation for my Nauvoo trip in July.  Something to smile about!

04/10/2008  Feeling much better about life in general tonight, even though my meeting with the missionaries was postponed last night.  Although I'm already a member, it has been so long that my bishop thought I should meet with them for a bit, and see how that went.  I thought it was silly at first, and unnecessary, but I've really come to enjoy our Wednesday evening discussions, and really missed it last night.  Looking forward to Church Sunday, instead!

04/15/2008  I've managed to catch up with Sunday School on the Book or Mormon.  We have a very good teacher, and I really enjoy Sundays.  I just often wish that I lived in an area with a higher concentration of members.  It would be so much easier if I was around other Saints on a daily basis.  However, I have to figure the Lord knew what he was doing when he put me where I am.  I will have to trust in that.

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