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I had a dream last night (11/17/11). It was about my mother. It was very vivid. As with most of my dreams, things happened that were unrealistic, but I will describe them anyway (just go with it!). We were on a large ship, like a cruise ship. We were up on deck, and looking down at the main part of the ship which was covered with glass. It seemed as though the ship was full of people, but none were to be seen. My mother had done something to cause the ship to sink, and all the people would die. I don’t know what she had done, but she and I were standing there watching as large spouts of water were crashing up through the ship, breaking the glass, and punching holes through the ship (this is the unrealistic part). We both knew that she had caused this to happen, and she turned to me, tears streaming down her face, looking for comfort, but not sure that she would receive it because of her guilt. I was scared, and angry, but knew that our time together was very short. The boat was rocking violently and going down, and I grabbed her to hold onto her, and I was screaming that it was okay. That she was forgiven. And I told her I loved her, no matter what. We were flung into the water as I was screaming over and over that I loved her. When we hit the water we were separated, and the fear really sunk in. I was sucked under the water, and I remember thinking that this had happened before, and I was really scared. As I was being sucked under I could see debris floating in the water, and the ship below me sinking, but I couldn’t see my mom anywhere. I felt like my chest was being crushed, and I was fighting for air. I was screaming, and I could hear myself drowning. I was trying to scream, but no noise would come out (this part was real), and I thought to myself how would be best to handle it, I was going to die, should I suck in water, or keep fighting? My service dog Sophie woke me up at this point, because I was trying to scream. That’s one of her trained tasks. She is such a good dog. But when Sophie woke me up, I knew I couldn’t just fall back asleep because I would probably go back into a scary dream. So I sat up for a little while petting Sophie and trying to calm down. It was a very scary dream, but the thing that seemed most important about it was that when I realized that I didn’t have a lot of time left with my mother, that the most important thing was to tell her she was forgiven and that I loved her. I couldn’t say it enough, and as I was being sucked under the water I was sad that I hadn’t had more time to tell her that I loved her. My mom and I have a difficult relationship, because of the abuse that I suffered in my childhood, and now trying to work through it, I have a lot of anger, but this dream reaffirmed in me the need to still tell her I love her (which I do), and to forgive.

Tags: Dreams Nightmare Love Forgiveness

In anticipation of Thanksgiving, I thought I would write a blog about the things I am thankful for... I am thankful for my honey. I love how he takes care of me. He cherishes me and gives me unconditional love. I am just thankful that I get to see him every day. He is such a wonderful person. When I see him my heart goes pitty pat. I am thankful for my puppy, Sophie. Well, she isn't technically a puppy, she's 5 years old, but I still call her my puppy. She is my black lab service dog. She has saved my life, and walks by my side through everything. Her energy, love, and loyalty are amazing. Just looking in her eyes makes me fall in love with her all over again. I am thankful that I live in a great country. I am proud to be an American. I am lucky that I was born here, and have the opportunities that I have. I live in a beautiful house, and I eat good food every day. I have a warm bed to share with my puppy. I get healthcare, and medications when I need them. I am safe at night (and not just because I have a guy with a gun sleeping in the living room). And these things are more than a lot of people in the world can boast. I am thankful for Heavenly Father and his plan of happiness. I am thankful that I can be a part of his church. I am thankful for Jesus and the atonement. Thru these blessings I am able to one day return to be with my Father in heaven. I am thankful for my bishop and the priesthood that he holds. He is able to recieve revelation that blesses and uplifts me. I am thankful for all the blessings in my life. Even though I struggle, I know that I am blessed beyond my ability to comprehend. I am thankful every day for my blessings, but I am thankful for the Thanksgiving holiday because it gives us an opportunity to say publicly what is in our hearts. And I'm thankful for you guys, for listening to me, and helping bear my burdens. Love you guys!

Tags: Thanks Love Life

I am the luckiest girl. I am in a relationship with a man that I love with all my heart. We have been together for 7ish years now, living together for 5ish. We met at work. I was a 911 dispatcher and he is a police officer. I started working police radio, and he was one of the 'nice' guys. He never complained about taking calls out of his area so I could clear up my call screen. When guys were grumpy on the radio he would send me little messages to cheer me up. Okay, he would send me little messages all the time just to make my day better. He actually got in an accident one day (very minor) because he was messaging me on the MDT. We got to where we would message each other even when I wasn't working police radio, and just working a call position or another radio (something that was frowned on, but we rarely got caught). When I was growing up (and I wasn't even a member of the church, I just 'knew' this is how I wanted it) I promised myself that I would only have one boyfriend in my life. I didn't want to 'date'. I just wanted to find 'the one' and get married. I wanted to be a virgin when I married. My honey and I started actually seeing each other after I did a ride-a-long with him one day. We talked so easily to each other, and I just shared my heart with him. We started hanging out after work. He would pick me up and we would go on these long drives, parking out in the middle of no where and talking until the sun came up in the morning. I told him all my hopes and dreams, and about my dream man. I told him that I wanted a man who would honor me as a woman, and someone who would open the door for me. I was still not a member of the church, and I got to a point where I decided that I was ready to give up my virginity. I was excited, and scared. I went to the doctor and got on birth control. We went out to dinner at our favorite italian restaurant, and I told him that I was ready, and I wanted to take things to the next level. He didn't react like I thought he would. He was quiet and thoughtful. When we went out to the truck I asked him what he thought about my decision. I still remember how he held me in his arms, like I was a delicate doll, and he whispered in my ear that he knew that this wasn't what I really wanted. He told me that if we did this that it wouldn't be what I really wanted, and I would regret it. He reminded me of my childhood vows to remain a virgin until marriage. Things at work were getting difficult for me. And I had a sudden crash into a deep depression. I had delt with depression before, but not like this. This was different. I thought about suicide. All the time. One day it was more than I could take. I tricked my honey into going out to the truck, and snuck one of his loaded guns into my purse. He kept this gun in the bottom drawer of his dresser, so I didn't think he would notice it missing. I planned on driving away from his house, going somewhere secluded and ending it. When I hugged him good bye I started crying uncontrollably. I finally got away from him and into my car. I got about a block away when my cell phone rang. It was him. He told me to get back to his house, now. I could tell by his voice that he knew what I had done. To this day I don't know how he figured out to go look and make sure his gun was there, he says it is Heavenly Father prompting him. It was the first of many times he and Heavenly Father would team up 'against' me. My plan for suicide was very specific that no one would feel guilty about it happening, and since he had figured out what was going on, going thru with it was no longer an option. I drove back to the house. He met me in the driveway, and just asked me where it was. I told him and he told me to go in the house. He retrieved the gun from my car and made me sit on the couch while he secured it. I was terrified because I didn't know what was going to happen next. I couldn't fight it because I had been caught. He asked me if I was planning on hurting myself, and I told him the truth. For the first time someone knew about me being suicidal. He told me that he had to take me to the hospital. I'll never forget the ride to the hospital. I kept looking at him as he drove, trying to memorize his face. I was sure that he was going to drop me off, let security take me, and I would never see him again. We spent the drive in silence. We got to the hospital and he walked me in. It was so hard having him walk me, like he would a suspect, just a little behind me with his hand on my elbow, instead of beside me arm in arm, but I understood why. In the ER we sat in the little crisis room with the security guard standing outside watching me. The male nurse kept talking to me like I was a 5 year old. I flipped him off when he turned his back. Jerk. The PAC team nurse came in to interview me. I told them everything. I told them about the depression, and the suicidal thoughts. Everything. I can only imagine what my honey was sitting there thinking while I said all this stuff. He had no idea that I was suffering thru all this, but guess who sat by my side the entire time? Yeah, I still don't understand it. I kept expecting him to leave at any time. Have enough and leave. He didn't. He was by my side even when they made me sit in the wheelchair, and the security guard wheeled me thru the hospital. He walked by my side and held my hand while I sobbed. We went into the secure part of the adult psych center. He hugged me and held me until they made him leave. I still expected that he was thru with me, but guess who was there as soon as visiting hours started the next day? He was my ride home a week later. He drove me to every doctor appointment. He went in with me. The quiet time was over for him. He was now very vocal in my appointments. He had a say in everything that happened. He had a say in medications, and treatment. Even tho I had the best person on my side, my road to recovery was just starting and there would be ups and downs. I overdoesed on sleeping pills. I had walked to a ditch and crawled under a bridge so that no one would find me. The pills started to take effect, and I got scared, so I called him. He found me under the bridge with my cell phone still open, laying beside me, and I was totally unresponsive, even to painful stimulus. That was the first time that the ambulance had to take me to the ER lights and sirens. I won't go thru all the ups and downs, because this thread is about him. I grew up in a very abusive home, and I didn't know what love truly was. He took me into his home, while I contributed nothing to his fincances, and supported my mom with my paycheck. He fed, clothed and sheltered me. He let me move in, so that I didn't have to live in an unhealthy situation. I had chronic headaches. Severe headaches. All the time. I finally went to see a neurologist. The many CT scans had revealed nothing. The doc ordered a MRI. The next day I got a call from the nurse telling me that I needed to come in and see the doctor, NOW. I told her I was on my way. I started crying while I dialed my honey's number. I just knew something was seriously wrong. He was at work, and had a trainee riding with him. He told me he would get rid of the trainee for an hour and meet me at the doctor's office. I beat him there. The nurse came out at got me from the waiting room before I could even sit down. The doctor came in the room with another doctor. He told me that they found a brain tumor. I remember putting my hand on his knee and asking him to stop. I told him my boyfriend was coming, and asked if we could wait for him. We made small talk for a minute until my boyfriend, in uniform, came into the room. I was still in shock, and didn't know what to say to him to ease the bad news, but the doctor just came out and said, "She has a brain tumor." before he could even sit down. I'll never forget the look on his face when he said, "What?!?". They explained that the tumor was in a bad place and that it looked like it was 'moving' into a worse spot. I took my mom on a drive to a really pretty spot to tell her about what was going on, and that things were looking bad. Her answer to my diagnosis? She said, "Well, you have been suicidal before, so I guess this doesn't really matter, huh?" I tried to explain that suicide is a lot different than dying from cancer. I spent the next week planning my funeral. I found the casket I wanted, the headstone design I wanted, even looked at burial plots. I wanted to be buried by trees, but everything they had available was out in the middle of the grass. He saw me through two brain biopsies. They were going to start chemo and radiation, when they suddenly did an about turn and decided that they weren't gonig to try to treat it at all. They said if they tried to treat it, that I would end up with physical deficits as well as the emotional and memory problems I currently experience. When I decided to investigate the church I found out that living with a boyfriend was a big 'no no'. I had to tell the missionaries and then the mission president, who gave me the thumbs up to be baptized. Then when it was time for a temple recommend this whole subject reared it's ugly head again. My honey isn't a big fan of the church, but he supported me, even going in an having a one on one with the bishop. I never was privy to what was said in the interview, but I got my TR, so it must have gone well. Today he has my medications locked in a safe, and administers them to me every night. He takes me to every appointment (including a weekly counselor appointment). He helps me try to correct my thinking when my brain isn't working right. He spoils me rotten. He loves me unconditionally. And, thanks to him, I now actually know the meaning of unconditional love. What a blessing. I love him so much. I thank Heavenly Father with all my heart for giving me this man. I pray that we will be able to be married some day soon, but even if we don't I will live the rest of my life loyal to this one man, and hope that I will be able to spend eternitiy with him as well. I started out writing this as a testimony of this wonderful man, my honey. I don't know if that is what ended up being written, but I hope that people who read this will come away knowing that this man is the most amazing man. He is a loving, kind, honest, wonderful man of God. I love him with all my heart. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen! Oh, and he still opens all my doors for me.