Tags: Love

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 Love-A timeless topic I will attempt to write about both in correlation to general views and to myself. Love is mostly viewed as a euphoric feeling one has in relation to another person. For those of you who have seen "Dan in Real Life" you might be familiar with the phrase "Love is not a feeling but an ability". With that said I will consider love in both the verb and noun forms. Love would not be so confusing if we had words in the English language for all the forms of love there are as there is in Greek-agape(Christ-like love), eros(romantic love), and philos(brotherly love/friendship).

 I read a book some time ago. I think the title was "Chosen Date, Eternal Mate" by some guy with the last name Yorgensen. In it he drew out two slopes-one had relationship status' on it and the other had physical activates that displayed affection/love. I will put those below along with one that includes the feelings usually associated with love.

Emotional-crush, infatuation, "in love", "true love"

Status-friendship, dating, steady dating, courting, marriage

Physical-hugs, hand holding, kisses, necking/petting, physical intimacy

 I don't have the book anymore but the general idea is still there. In it he said that the men controlled the status side and the women controlled the physical side. As one side gets deeper into seriousness the other usually follows. The emotions I put there can generally follow that scale also. As pertaining to men controlling the status and women the physical aspect of the relationship there are many exceptions. In fact there have been two separate instances in which I was asked out on a date(one was by proxy but I still count it). Within the physical side there are even varied degrees of hugging and kissing. There’s one handed hug, normal hugs, and hugs that end up groping things. There are peck kisses, more passionate lip locking, and tonsil hockey. Of course there are different degrees in all of the above items-young marrieds/50+ years married, friend/BFF, and many levels of how much you actually like someone. I use "in love" for the kind of love that I referred to in the beginning of this blog and "true love" for the perfect, Christ-like love(although we can all have that love without it being perfect). It is, in my opinion, a love that is the same no matter with whom it is. Whether it be your spouse, brother, or child-it is the same. The only difference is how is got there. That’s what makes husband/wife love so special. Most others you naturally have this love for is family but you didn’t choose them like how you choose your spouse (any of you veterans please help me with this as I cannot personally testify of this if it is correct). I also put both steady dating and courting there in status'. They are usually used interchangeably but the way I see it you can always break up with someone you are steady dating but courtship inevitably leads to marriage. In all three of those aspects of love there are commandments given to guide us in a proper use of them all. Don't date until you are sixteen, abstain from sex until after you're married and only with your spouse, etc, etc. The only thing I can think of for the emotional aspect is to not be attracted to someone of your own gender(here's to you California and Prop 8!).

 My definition of love is the genuine care and concern for someone's well being and happiness. If you love someone you'd do things for them you normally wouldn't do for another person. There's a great book out there I have not read (but still know it's great) that many of you have either read or at least heard of-"The Five Love Languages". Even though I have not read I have heard enough to know what’s in it. Basically it states that there are 5 ways in which people show love and any given person needs 2(based on the person) of those 5 to feel loved. A person generally shows love in the ways that they feel love. The 5 ways are these: words of affirmation, touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Through some introspection I have come to the conclusion that I am words of affirmation and service. I haven't read the book so I can't say I'm 100% positive on that. There's another popular book, or rather a series, out there that’s playing on a good number of people's heartstrings(mainly girls). The "Twilight" series by Stephanie Meyers. Many girls across America have fallen head over heels for Edward Cullen. He's handsome, chivalrous, and a vampire. The character is fictional and has unnatural speed and strength and so on but hey a girl can dream. With that said people are making it seem as if chivalry no longer exist. There are plenty of men out there who still hold those values. No disrespect to the books(I’ve read the first two so far) and they are rather entertaining and even though the main character is a girl I can still connect with the feelings she has. As long as I'm talking about books I'll talk about high school yearbooks. I've been looking through my own lately and realized how superficial they are. Prom, he-says, she-says, and of course flirting. At first I thought "What do teenagers know about flirting?" I then realized they know a lot about flirting but not so much about love.

 Now a little bit more personal. These are some of the things I look for in a girl: they love me for me regardless of my shortcomings/weaknesses, cute, I’m attracted to them (which isn’t always in correlation with how cute they are), outgoing, fun(the definition of fun is different from person to person), good with children, black/brown hair(red hair can be hot too) with blue/green eyes, nice face. Their figure is also something that is notable but I try to focus on the face- the body is usually in proportion to the face. There have been girls that I thought were really beautiful even though they had a larger figure. I’ve also noticed that I really like a girl who can pull off wearing a neon green or orange shirt. I don't know why. Pretty much everyone knows that boys focus more on physical appearance than on personality but I know you girls also love good looking men too. There's something I remember from the For Strength of Youth pamphlet that said that not everyone needs to date. I wonder if that would include me. I don't think it meant ever though. Dating leads to marriage and you can't get married without dating(even in this there is an exception-my sister married and never went on a single date!). My reasoning for thinking I might fall into that category is that I am very quiet. Being quiet allows me to be very observant though. I can sit back and watch people interact and learn a lot about them by just how they act. There is something my brother-in-law said that I remember and it makes perfect sense. He said that I would need to find a girl who talks a lot because having two people just stare at each other isn’t going anywhere. For me a person who talks a lot can be either a good or bad thing. They will either be really annoying or I'll actually be interested in what they have to say. I have often wondered about if I would ever find someone to be with for all eternity. My Patriarchal Blessing comforts me in this as it tells me that I don’t need to worry about it as long as I am faithful and the time and place will just happen naturally(it doesn’t actually say it but that’s the feeling I get from it).

 Now for chemistry! Get out your textbooks and turn to page 221! No, but really I think "chemistry" as it is called is fairly important. What good is a relationship if the two aren't even attracted to one another. As John Bytheway put it "Where is the mutual craziness?" in reference to his experiences with girls being crazy for him but not he for them and vice versa. One thought I have about chemistry is that it has spiritual roots. When we come across a spirit we knew in the pre-mortal existence and gets excited because it knows that other spirit. Related to that is a talk a general authority gave once. All I remember about it was that they basically said that when we learned about the plan of happiness and eternal marriage we were so excited about it and our spirits can't wait for that opportunity. As long as I’m thinking of it Ill put here the thing about revelation for whom to marry. Men aren’t entitled to that kind of revelation and any such revelation they claim to receive is "hormonal revelation". Only the girl is entitled to that kind of revelation if she asks. That’s the way I understood it. Back to "mutual craziness". I have had my own share of girls who liked me but I didn’t care much for them. I’ve also like girls but never got to the point to find out if their feelings for me were the same. I can recall 5 girls, 4 for sure, who bluntly and flat out told me they liked me(well two of them did, the other two didn’t try to hide it at all). I’ve like a lot of different girls. I think the first time I actually saw a girl and thought of them as cute was in the 3rd grade. I was still way young and girls still had cooties. The next time I had a similar experience was in the 8th grade. Was the first time I told my friends I liked someone. They didn't let me live it down so I’ve kept my interests fairly secret since then. It was some time until I really liked another girl. My brother took me to my first two youth dances. I hated them with a passion. I got the message across one night by hiding under my bed so I wouldn’t have to go. It wasn’t until I was 16 when I started to go again and by my own decision. I think I hold some record right now by having 5 different girls ask me to dance in one night and none of them I knew. Anyway back to girls I’ve liked. The last of girls whom I liked from grade school was senior year. Her name was Erica Rodriguez (yes, I like Mexicans on occasion). The thing that really brought her to my attention was that she was in every single one of my classes except for one. We became good friends and nothing more ever happened. I think she had a boyfriend anyway. Now for the girls I’ve liked in relation to church. Ashley, a young women in my ward in Riverside. All of the other boys in my ward had a crush on Ashley at one point or another. I was the only one in the group that did not like her in that way. Her cousin, Niki, however was a different story. Likewise every other boy liked her too. We were good friends. I never got the chance for any dating with her though as she and my best friend were going out at the time. The next is Jackie. She was a girl in my stake. I met her at a youth conference. I remember we were doing service at some horse place. There were so many youth they didn’t have enough work for us all and the both of us were stuck in the group that didn’t have anything to do. I may be exaggerating but I think we spent the whole weekend together. The horses, the beach next day, and the dance that night. But we fell apart just as quickly as we met. I didn’t see her for almost another year and it just wasn’t the same anymore. The last girl, Rebecca (whom I still like) is kind of funny because I was initially interested in her sister Charlye first. I met her after I moved from Riverside to Ontario. We spent a bit of time sending each other messages asking each other totally random things and end up dating. We are still good friends to this day and it was heart wrenching learning I was moving away to Las Vegas. I thought "Ok, Ill get over her with time and maybe meet someone new." The things is...I’ve found truth in the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". We've seen each other twice in the two years since I’ve been in Vegas. Actually she isn’t the last one on my list-there are girls in Vegas after all. This next girl I met shortly after moving. Serretta and my step-mom, Anna, became good friends and she introduced me to her. She was really cute and all but there was never any opportunity to get close. She’s now married and pregnant. There are so many others I could include here but time is short and the opportunities to get closer to someone never present themselves. There are lots of girls I’ve thought cute and even fewer I’ve been attracted to. That’s just the way life goes. Some come, others go but there is always tomorrow.

 Just as a last note Ill write something about poems and music and their relation with love. I have written a number of love poems. I don’t have them anymore as I’ve thrown all my old notebook writings away as much of it holds negative things of my past. I have even written a song on my guitar. I’m not all that good at it but it gets the job done. One of my favorite love songs is "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams. He also has a few other really good rock ballads. I’m quite partial to acoustic guitar love songs such as Plain White T's "Hey There, Delilah" and Cartels "The Minstrel's Prayer". Ill end here with a line from one of my poems that was actually the centerpiece for the whole thing. "They say home is where the heart is and my heart is yours."

Tags: Love

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lets see...where to start...well thats not so much of a hard question, i only have one place to start! So it has come to this....I'm moving!

It all started last weekend. My parents were on vacation in denver on what seemed like on a whim they decided to move there. I was originally going to meet them up there for general conference but they bailed out to save on money for their move. I was upset at first but got over it when I found out that I had three extra tickets and exactly three of my friends from cali would be there. It all seemed too perfect to "just happen" like that. I ended up having a wonderful time and it was great to see them again.

So now my parents are going to colorado. This didnt bother me much. I was just too happy to see my friends again. All in all my options were to go with them, stay here in vegas, or something else. I immediatly jotted down my options on paper and wrote down all(well the important ones) the pros(there arn't really any cons specifically) on paper. My results were California-3 Las Vegas-2 Colorado-2 and Utah-1(i think thats what they came out to) Anyway I prayed about it and thought about it. I told my dad previously that i didnt like vegas (may have prompted him to move maybe) and missed california. So i guess he called my brother up and told him the situation. My brother talked it over with his wife and they agreed to help me out temporarily. I was unsure about it at first but as time has gone and communicated some information feel more sure about the decision. Our friend george seems to be in with all this and is excited about me being able to end up 4 wheelin with him in our jeeps(i still need my license but will get it in cali so there is not so much cross-state difficulties) There are some issues with timing with all of this because my dad is taking the jeep up to denver because its the only car we have with a trailer hook-up. Im ok with this anyway because i actually want to finish up my semester at school. Anna's kids will be moving in here afterwards. They seem excited about it cuz the rest of their family is over here. ONe thing that helped me make my decision a lot was a thought that came to my mind. "Choose what you want and not what your parents want" I realized this was something that made me miserable in vegas-it was something that i didnt choose for myself. Sure there have been some things i have learned and friends i have made but it has never entirely felt "right". My dad mentioned to me one day that George has a job for me over there but i have not heard anything about that from anyone else. Last i knew he was fixing garage doors.

So i think that is the bulk of my thoughts surrounding this event and i often think of nephi and being lead by the spirit not knowing what i should do.

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...a bum. At least let me be a happy bum. Ive got enough guilt as it is so please stop reprimanding me becuase you love me....I know it's all in my head.

Most of you probably have no clue about what Im talking about half of the time. Some comments show you dont understand both directly and indirectly. I pretty much do this for me. I really dont need any of you to read any of this and give me advice. I know where I can go if I need any. To all of my friends who won't be reading this (and one who will) Love you lots and miss you guys bunches. Now I just need my saddness to wash away into the ebbing of time

...thought that would be it but still have a few more things to say. Ive been reading the ensigns quite a bit lately. I think I will come to love them a lot-theyre scripture but also so straight forward and easy to understand! The newest issue is outstanding...Im sure all of them are but this one is the latest so its more relevant. I have learned, actually relearned, that my questions to the Lord need to be more yes/no..which they havent and thats something I need to figure out right now-how to straighten out my thoughts and come up with yes/no questions but im so....not haveing any clue about what i should do at all. There was another thing in there ill just quote it "Learn how to act better then you feel. Some might ask, "Isn't that hypocritical?" Ceartainly not. You might not be able to choose how you feel, but you can choose how you act."...I dont think its hypocritical..i think its decieving. Telling people by your fake smiles that your happy when your not. Ive thought of lying to myself and use this method until i actually believe my own lie but have had little success with it. Seems to me like much of the articles are geared more to the faithful members who have never done any serious sin. Like i said before..its all in my head.

maybe one last thing. im really enjoying school. i should have gone back a long time ago but i was still moping about moving here to vegas...which im still not really likeing...but whatever. My parents seem to think im refusing to get my license..which i suppose they have good grounds for. I missed my appointment and my dad thought it was on another day and got that day off. He was going to take me to see if i could get stand by. I didnt even want to go. I was feeling so crummy that mourning and i hadnt practiced driving since my last test that i failed and the instuctor making me feel like i didnt know what i was doing when she had to scream "STOP!" twice. I knew there was no point in going if 1) there was no guarantee of even getting a test and 2)not being any better than i was last time. My dad swears i was ready. He always hopes for the best. I guess that something i like about him but at the same time kinda bugs me. Like when i went in to get interviewed to become an elder i went back to him and he was looking at me with the stupidest grin you could ever imagine on a mans face with a thumbs up questioning me with the gesture. He gave almost the same thing at my first driver test. I ride the bus to school. Im not saying i never want to get my license even though driving scares my wits out of me but taking the bus everywhere is considerably cheaper than to drive a car. $40 a month is all it is to ride the bus a month. Gas alone would be more than that and the $300 i would have to pay in insurance if i did get my license.

ive pretty much figured myself out socially...i like being around people...i just dont like interacting with them. Im a very observational person. I have much more enjoyment watching people talk than to be a part of the talking. There might be something ive recently come up with (again all in my head) and ill call it a family curse. My grandfather, father, and I (maybe my brother also but i can vouche for him) have all had problems with certain sins, and all have apparently been "good looking". My dad had the nickname "Sexy Rexy" in high school and my grandad was a pretty good looking guy in his day. I hear from various sources that contribute to the fact that im not all that ugly either. My dad tells me he used to be shy like me and his dad was also quiet and "shy because of his guilt". Ill try to sum my thoughts up from here into my own view of it....I cant get it formed into the right words in my head...but its something like although i could have many prospective people to date/etc i shy myself away from them, even though they might be even the slightest bit attracted to me, because i know im not what im suppose to be and my vices make me uncomfortable around someone of the opposite sex and in my current state i could never really give the kind of girl i want to marry a celetial marriage. I guess in a sentence i feel like i have to push away anything that comes close because im not what theyre looking for. I know, its a pessimistic view and repentence can fix all that. My dad tells me I have plenty of time for a mission and marriage cuz grandpa didnt marry til he was 29. That is true. I know that as long as i continually repent i can get back on the straight and narrow and fix up my life. Its just the thought that my sins my have skewed the timeline of my life of the track too far and that my potential happiness isnt as great as it could have been.

i guess that will be all for now...ive written tenfold more than what i was expecting. cheery-O old (and young) chaps (and ladies)!

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So from my last blog ill continue with my thoughts on growth and becoming like our Father in heaven. We are his children and have the potential to become like him. So the best i can describe it to myself is that how the plan of salvation is laid out likewise is our growth. Our pre-mortl life could be like us being children until we are 8 at which point we are baptized(or born in this case) and start choosing and rebeling like all teenagers in out mortal life. We then die at which point i guess we could be like young adults ready to go out and and do things on our own. Seems though as eternal beings we shouldve progressed more a lot earlier. But its our intelligences that are eternal and intelligences cant be created nor destroyed. its one thing that isnt in God's power. He did, however, give us spirit bodies which i guess he adopted us and is our Father in the sense he created our spirit bodies in which we could progress further than just being intelligences although there were some somehow greater than others. This is all purely speculation. Make of it what you will.

Tags: Spirit Children Intelligences

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I need a good example. Someone I can look to in times of trouble. The only ones I can think of are ones I can't see. I have a firend I talk to all the time online. I enjoy our conversations but I really can't rely on her as she is not always available and I dont like being a pest. My parents I can talk to when i really need to but they dont help much. Too many nights theyre both in their room on their own computers much of the time. Its torture for someone like me who is trying to practically cut out computers from his life, with the exception of when its necessary. The perfect example for everyone is Christ. Its just kinda hard to relate as wht we have of his life is from two thousand years ago. He did have perfect control over himself and complete humility. He can offer us his strength. I feel so disconnected from my will sometimes I wonder if any of my strength was ever really mine and that anything good ive ever done was on borrowed power. I cant see how someone can become a perfect god with their own power if they always had to look to someone else for that power in the first place. Maybe by living the gospel swe learn of our own power and potential rather than learning to be accepting of a power greater than our own, although im sure thats part of it. I can get myself so confused sometimes.

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How long does the wave of temptation last? Ive fely temptation bareing down on my for a few days straight sometimes. Its not always there but it always picks back up where it left off. Ive found im vulnerable when im really really depressed. ive also found im usully targeted before/after something good and or spiritual has happened to me. I think ive found that i actually like being depressed. its better than the neutral in-between not really happy or sad. Ive felt overwhelmed this poast week or so. Its not really a whole lot, just more than im used to. I was asked sunday to give the lesson in elders quorum. I didnt want to but i couldnt say 'no'. I knew immediatly that somewhere somehow i would be tempted in an attempt to completly ruin any progress i might get from the experience. I felt the pressure of that, school, my drivers test, finding a job, and doing a talent show i didnt sign up for. The depression started kicking in monday and the tempting thoughts started tuesday. It is thursday and and i have fallen again. I was crudily down and missing my friends yesterday just wishing i could get out and do something. That is unlikely to happen as 99% of my friends are miles and miles away. I tried praying multiple times to help me out and help me get through these trials. I know Heavenly Father wants to help us but i can never seem to beable to see or hear or feel any of those things. I havent been excommunicated but i cant really remember or know what the Holy Ghost feels like. Sometimes i feel a pit of darkness in my chest that creates a feeling of guilt and sometimes i feel that burning sensation but it affects little of how i feel. Im just kinda confused and lost. I might know the gospel by word but not so much in deed and i have a hard time bridging the gap sometimes. I have come to the conclusion that the commandments point to living in balance. Youre supposed to eat, sleep, and work but not to over do any of it and your supposed to use your gifts/powers but in the right places and in the right times. I have a horrible self-esteem. Some might say its humility, but deep down its pride which is really counter intuitive.... AHH, ive written too much negative already abd i wish i could end with something positive. I cant think of anything right now so ill just stop.

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middle of the night

and birds still ring

the sun's gone done

yet still they sing

Midnight Birds, why do you sing?

the world is grey

and nothing can be gay

is it because you love the dark?

tis' not so, says the larch

is it because you love the night?

not so, says the sparrow in flight

Midnight Birds, why do you sing?

the world is misunderstood

and nothing can be good

perhaps you love the silent streets?

no, no, you've got it all wrong

that is not why we sing our song

please tell me why you sing so glad

and into the night that is ever sad

tis' because night does not last

and we know that it will pass

the dawn will come and vanquish night

so we can sing in a glorious light

Midnight Birds, I know why you sing

the world is bliss

and dont want to miss a thing

Tags: Poem

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I wrote in my journal yesterday. Ill copy that here.

I noticed a family geneology book[its more of a history] sitting out. I went through it and read a bit of it. It's interesting to ""get to know" your own ancestors. The stories of their lives and their stuggles and triumphs. Most of it seems that most of the things fell into place and there wasn't much oppossition. Those parts probably arn.t recorded as much and all we get are the results. We are all making our own stories. We cant' see the end because we haven't written it yet. Let's make it a good ending.

Most of my thoughts surrounding this is pretty much about perspective. We in our right now lives worry how things will be and most of us im sure think something like "Why couldnt I have lived back then when things were simpler?" The truth is its just as hard..just more distractions. That said I love stories. Be it in a book or a movie. It's exciting to see the plot progress and how things end and usually think how good of an ending it was/it ended the way you wanted. We need to spend more time being excited about our story. Kind of hard to do being the main character and the plot progresses ever so painfully slow. Why can't it just be over with!??! Aside from fiction even true stories are interesting in that all of that has happened already. In reading that book I learned my that my grandma never expected to get married (she was 25 only gettting older+no love interest?). In that one sentence there is most likely so much more agony and stress over something that one hopes for. But thats when my grandpa came and swept her off her feet(not really. she was resistant at first). They ended up getting married, had a family, got old, so-on-and-so-forth. From a third person perspective things seem to just work out. In first person, however, there must have been a lot more involved that I dont understand. For me I must be in the middle of a bad chapter. Im a horrible author. Im not good at writing my own life. But theres where the Lord comes in. Hes a speed reader you know. He has read everyones story several times, even before the books are finished. And he has his influence to meld stories together and weave them in and out. Im not good but I can get better. I just dont like the lurking feeling that Ill mess my story up.

Tags: Geneology Ancestors

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